Oct
27
Take Two Meat and Call Me In the Morning
Filed Under Humour
This is a re-write on the column from Feb 1st…
I am a woman on the edge.
I smoke a pack a day between 9:00pm and 9:17pm.
I think Animal Crackers are a main course and I run with scissors every chance I get.
My pet peeves are salad and longevity.
It’s clearly a sign that I don’t get enough sex.
Obviously, I’m not the sort to worry much about my health.
I don’t fret about disease because I think a lot of illness is a belief system.
(commence yelling at me)
I won’t die of Cancer.
I will likely be beaten to death by a very health-conscious, angry mob wielding things like seaweed and Omega-3 Fish Oil.
Recently, my neurologist phoned to say that I am anaemic and need to see my doctor.
Here’s the FUN part though.
At the Clinic, I got my words mixed-up and the conversation between me and the GP went something like this:
Me: So, Dr Wilson called and said I’m seriously ironic and need to see a doctor.
Dr Wong: (interrupting) You’re what? (flipping through my file)
Me: (oblivious) …Yes, I’m ironic and I was thinking it’s probably my diet so if I eat better….
Dr Wong: (louder) You’re WHAT? (stops flipping and looks at me….. puzzled)
Me: (still oblivious)….cause, I mean it’s not a big deal right? Can’t we leave it untreated? I mean what’s the worst that can happen?
Dr Wong: I’m sorry, you are IRONIC and want to know if it needs to be treated?
Me: I was advised once to eat organ meat, which I promise you, won’t happen EVER, but I could eat more red meat if that’ll help.
Dr. Wong: If we leave your IRONY untreated, you want to know what the worst is that can happen to you? Am I getting this right?
Me: Exactly, I’m probably ironic due to my diet. So, I’ll eat meat and it should correct itself. No need to spend money on expensive pills to treat something dumb like irony…..
Dr Wong: Well clearly…of course….I mean, I usually prescribe “meat” for all of my IRONIC patients. Take two meat and call me in the morning. That’s what I always say!
Me: EXACTLY! (smiling triumphantly – ironically the reigning queen of sardonic is missing his obvious sarcasm)
Dr. Wong: (removing glasses and rubbing his eyes with the open palms of his hands) I can’t believe I’m having this conversation. (he really can’t believe he is having this conversation)
Me: (sensing this may not be going as well as I thought it was…) Huh?
Dr. Wong: Ok wait a minute. Tell me exactly what Dr Wilson said, because I don’t think irony is something that needs to be cured with meat. To tell you the truth, I’m not sure exactly how to treat a case of serious IRONY….
Me: Oh – So you are going to make me take the pills?
Dr. Wong: Oh…My….Gawwwwd….*sigh* …Let’s start again…..What did Dr. Wilson say EXACTLY.
Me: OK…uhmmmm….let me think about this a minute…I’m getting this wrong….It’s not irony….it’s IRON….my IRON…my haemoglobin is low…oh…OH!…I’m ANEMIC. ….Yes, yes….I’m ANEMIC! That’s it —————- What was I just calling it?
Dr. Wong: Just now? You said you were seriously IRONIC and wanted to avoid the pills and be treated with meat.
Me: Gosh Doctor, in some circles, talk like that would be considered kind of inappropriate! (reconsidering) Not this circle though…
Dr. Wong: Finally! That’s better, ANEMIA is something I can work with. Did Dr Wilson happen to mention how ironic you are? —– Oh great Jules, now you’ve got me doing it!
In all seriousness…this has been partially fictionalized…because Life May Be Funny – But It’s Not THAT Funny! 