Mar
1
A Few Words About Dogs and Husbands…(revised)
Filed Under Humour, People, Random Acts of Truth, Weird Weird Weird
10 Things Your Dog Would Never Do…
1. Tell you your ass looks fat in those jeans
2. Ask you to wear a dog collar and call him “master”
3. Rent a video camera and ask you to tape yourself scratching his tummy
4. Leave you for a younger, prettier owner
5. Fart and blame it on your husband
But Your Dog Would Also Never…
6. Buy you jewellery
7. Notice that you changed your hair
8. Bring you flowers “just because”
9. Kiss that sweet spot at the nape of your neck
10. Join you for a candlelit bath…
(and if he does….well….that would be weird and you should both seek professional help immediately….In fact, don’t even towel off first)
Bad Dogs/Bad Husbands…
A bad dog jumps on your mother
A bad husband licks her face
A bad dog chews your bra
A bad husband wears it
A really bad husband buys his own
A bad dog pees on your floor
A bad husband pees on your Ficus
A really bad husband comes home drunk and pees in the laundry hamper
A bad dog humps the furniture
A bad husband humps his secretary
A bad dog ‘makes’ in the hallway
A bad husband makes crystal meth in the storm cellar
A bad dog doesn’t understand the word “stay”
Neither does a bad husband
A bad dog sleeps with your sister
A bad husband sleeps with your sister
A REALLY bad husband sleeps with your sister’s accountant ‘Fred’
A bad dog chases the neighbours’ children
A bad husband catches them
A really bad husband bites them
A bad dog chases cars
A bad husband trades your car for a samurai sword and the Season 3
Directors Cut of Battlestar Galactica
A really bad husband trades it for an ounce of weed and Season 2
A bad dog brings home dead rabbits and buries them in your garden
A bad husband brings home dead “business associates” and buries
them under the patio
A bad dog eats your shoes
A bad husband says he’d rather eat your shoes than your meatloaf
A really bad husband proves it
A bad dog jumps on you when you are trying to sleep
A bad husband jumps on you when you are trying to sleep
A really bad husband jumps on your sister when she’s trying to sleep
A really, really bad husband jumps on your sister’s accountant “Fred” when
he’s trying to sleep
A good dog waits patiently outside the store while you go shopping
A good husband holds your purse
10 Tips for a Happy Husband…
1. Let them off the leash…if your bond is strong…he’ll come back when you call
2. Expect the best…If you expect the worst, that’s what you’ll receive…
Set your expectations HIGH and they will happily rise to meet them.
3. If you don’t keep them stimulated, they will find ways to get into trouble
4. They need opportunities to socialize with their own species….
otherwise, you will thwart their natural instincts.
5. They need a few special toys that are theirs to play with
6. Nagging doesn’t work…sit, sit, sit, sit…..stay, stay, stay, stay…
take out the garbage…put the seat down….you never take me
anywhere….stop sleeping with my sister’s accountant
……they just tune you out.
7. They don’t naturally speak your language….so learn to speak theirs.
8. Recognize good behaviour … reward it with your enthusiasm
9. The relationship will require time, effort and attention…
but the results are worth it
10. Don’t let them chew tennis balls… it’s really bad for their teeth
(now watch me try and stretch this piece to my requisite 1000 words…)
Maybe you should stop reading here…..
You know me….not for the faint-of-heart….
Some of you are going to *gasp* and say “OMG how could she write that”….
forgetting momentarily that that is EXACTLY what I do for a living.
Now, in closing, for all you Liberal, dyed-in-the-wool sticklers out there…
Let me please clarify that I have nothing against men who sleep with other men:
My best friend is a man who sleeps with other men.
Nor am I vexed, even slightly, by men who choose to have sex with accountants.I am slightly vexed by the notion that accountants have sex.
But if they didn’t, all the math camps and chess clubs would shut down, crippling the math and chess based economies.
This piece was not a broad-based social statement.
It’s not even a narrowly-based social statement.
It was just little old me, being funny and exploiting a few commonly
recognized social phobias.
It’s not judgemental to surmise that a man who sleeps with your sister’s
accountant is a bad husband. – It’s accurate.
A husband who sleeps with your sister isn’t being true to you:
A man who sleeps with “Fred”, the accountant, is certainly not being true to you,
But, even worse than that, he isn’t being true to himself.
The only true “grey area” is the bra-issue.
I’m certain that many cross-dressers are wonderful husbands.
If you like to wear frilly-things…well….If I don’t have to look…
then I certainly don’t have to judge.
While I am at it, let me dispel another myth…lest you be misled and think me a gold-digging jewellery whore because of what I wrote in the list of other things your dog would never do…I was just trying to be relatable.
I have never received jewellery as a gift from a man and it’s not important to me that I do.
I don’t even wear jewellery.
Men never buy me presents.
After 15 years, Mike finally bought me a Christmas
present in our final year together.
I can’t say that it was the Christmas present that made me finally leave.
It may have been his date with another girl on my birthday.
Or the fact that when the date started going sideways, he called me to come over to his house and run interference….which I must say goes above and beyond the call of girlfriend duty.
Or maybe it’s simply that I actually went.
What was that about EXPECTATIONS again?
Either way….
After 15 years, nothing says “Thanks for all the blow jobs”
like a pair of mittens for Christmas.
Now if you will excuse me…
I have my therapist on the other line.
The candles are burning unattended.
And my Saint Bernard is waiting for me in the tub.
(crap …that’s a LOT of vamping and I’m still 60 words short)