Feb
8
There’s a million stories in the Naked City, and most of them were written with words.
That’s right, words – those tidy little packages of sound and air that give our lives context and meaning…
The hard and soft tones we rely on every day to share our dreams, order lunch and emotionally cripple our children.
Where would we be without language?
The sexy swoop of an “S”….the quiet strength of the “M”…that cocky, devil-may-care slant of the capital “A”…
I love this language and it loves me back.
Mine was not a family of “Letters”.
We were a family of “Words”.
I’ve dedicated my life to protecting words; like my father before me and his father too.
Being a Grammar Cop has never been more critical.
It’s never been so risky.
Every time I strap on my punctuation proof vest, and venture out into the world, I know it may be the last time.
But that’s my job….I’m an Editor.
These are the risks I take to protect the words.
Grammar Police have the highest rate of suicide among professionals, outside of Dentists and Rock Stars.
The notes we leave behind may be scrawled in our own blood, but the spelling is flawless and they are grammatically sound.
I used to have a partner, but he couldn’t hack it.
They found him hanging in the garage one morning with the word “about” scrawled across his chest.
Our words are in grave danger, people.
There’s a plague out there and it’s spreading faster than VD on the set of an MTV reality show.
Bad grammar, reckless abbreviation and wanton disregard for syntax are running amok in the streets.
Some people blame text-messaging;
Some blame the schools;
Some people even blame Hollywood…
But not me -
I BLAME YOU!
Ohhhhhh….It starts innocently enough.
You start using words like “youse” and “ir-regardless”….just socially at first…at parties and with your friends….Oh you know it’s wrong….But it feels sooooooo good…..and hey, everybody else is doing it…..Who’s it going to hurt?
This is how it starts.
Then you start telling yourself that it’s OK to use this “and” instead of starting a new sentence, just this once…just a little word to help you make it through the paragraph.
Before you know it, you’re hitting the LOLs and the BRBs.
When that no longer scratches your sick itch, you start freebasing ROFLs and LMAOASCAOMCs…
They find you crouched under the bleachers at Little Johnnie’s soccer game, texting strangers indiscriminately.
Sooner or later, you’re strung out on Twitter and simple carbohydrates, barely able to string together a shopping list for cupcakes and Arizona Ice Tea, much less a comprehensive sentence.
I`ve seen it happen a thousand times.
Look, we all live in the real world here.
There will always be bad conjugation and pronoun abuse.
We can`t save them all.
But damnit, that doesn`t mean we simply give up!
That doesn`t mean we should stop trying.
______________________________
Take this case in Alberta:
There`s a dog trainer up there with a TV show, Brad Pattison
He`s pretty good too, kinda like the Dog Whisperer,
He wrote a book a few years back and frankly, as an Officer of the Words, it really curdled my milk.
Think of it like this:
Would Pavarotti walk onstage at the Met and perform with a mouthful of Novocaine and soda crackers?
It’s not about talent.
He’s got that in spades.
But presentation counts.
I’m all for rebelling against the status quo.
In the never-ending battle between form and function, I want function to win out.
If forced to choose between Paris Hilton and Gore Vidal, it would be a “no-brainer”, literally.
When it comes to language however, form has a direct impact on function.
It doesn’t matter how brilliant your ideas are, if you are spewing your adoring fans with soggy cracker remnants, they won’t be listening.
Self-publishing, without an editor is like cooking crystal meth in your storm cellar.
The end product may make you feel good;
It may seem like an excellent income-producing opportunity;
It may even make you feel smart like a rocket scientist
But, if you aren`t careful, you could lose both your credibility and your body hair, when it all blows up in your face.
I`ve been following this case for some time now.
It’s the worst I’ve ever seen.
This barbarian has no regard for the “laws” whatsoever.
He thinks he’s above the laws.
Laws like —
“I” before “E” except after “C”
Don’t refer to yourself in both the first and third person at the same time.
Don’t mix your tenses.
Sometimes, his sentences don’t mean anything at all.
I’ve seen him just stop and punctuate a group of words for no reason whatsoever,
…IN PUBLIC!!!!
I’ve cited him for numerous counts of reckless hyphenation, pronoun misappropriation and suspicion of formatting while intoxicated.
As we all know, the first step to getting help, is admitting you have a problem to begin with.
But this Pattison character doesn’t see a problem…
And who is suffering for his selfishness?
Hmmmmmmm???
That’s right – the words.
I’ve been nice about it. I’ve reached out gently.
“Dude, I can get you help. We can fix this. You are not alone.”
But to no avail…
The cop in me would like to duct tape him to a chair, remove my watch, and beat him senseless with an ampersand.
But I can’t do that.
I took an oath.
No, the best I can do, is to sit by patiently and wait; to let him know that, when the time comes, I’ll be here to help him “get right” with the words, because that’s what I do.
I’m an Editor.
I protect the words.