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It’s no secret that truth is in the eye of the beholder. We can be generous about it and say that we interpret information as it is reflected through our individual lens of social conditioning and beliefs (among other things…) What we understand and how we understand it, is ultimately colored….dare I say…tainted… by numerous factors. 

Or we can be less generous and say that we are brazenly manipulated by propaganda .

Both are true. Everyone is drinking the Kool-Aid. Everyone is taking the red pill….or is it the blue pill?

The only distinction between one sugary drink and the next.. is the color… and even that is artificial.

The commonly accepted truth is that neither one is good for you.

But truth is hardly the point — It stopped being relevant a long time ago.

Being shocked when we find evil lurking in the halls of power….is akin to being surprised when we find milk lurking in the dairy aisle.  But, the fact is, while both parties shape the available information in ways that clearly stack the deck in their favor; they do it because they honestly believe that they are right and acting in the best interest of their country…Those with truly evil motives are far fewer than we are lead to believe.




“Do not criticize your government when out of the
country. Never cease to do so when at home.”
Winston Churchill

 

 OK….I admit it.

 This is a slightly re-worked reprint of a column I wrote back in 2008.

 The original had one of my customary inflammatory titles, but I fear InformedVote.ca might not be ready to entertain me in all of my salty, fight-provoking glory just yet.

 I’ll give you a hint though…The previous title implied Stephen Harper is so enamoured of a certain country to our immediate South, that he metaphorically got down on his knees and….uhmmm….pleasured  them spectacularly. *I have restored previous title*

 

Now, there is a perfectly good reason why I have chosen this column to reprint and there’s even a reason why I do so today.

 

The Federal Budget came down today and….well, you don’t need me to tell you.

It’s all over the news and smarter people than I have written about it on this very website.  Suffice to say, the budget does little more than pay lip-service (see that? I made a funny) to helping our country’s most vulnerable populations.

Famous cock – Foghorn Leghorn

 

OK…OK….

If you are thinking of sending me an angry email about how offended you are by this off-colour the topic….

I have only one thing to say to you:

“uhmmmm…. What, are you new in town?”

Our new policy at CanadaWry is to feel flattered by your attention. Clearly, something about my work compels you to visit this site day after day and night after sleepless night…..even though you hate me sooooo much.

I want to thank you for that. You are giving me an awful lot of power and I want you to know that I will honour and respect that which you choose to surrender to me.

I promise to continue giving you everything you seem to need from me, by continuing to write about things that upset you….in a way that drives you to the very brink of your sanity.

By the way, I have a few books coming out soon…..you may want to buy them as soon as possible and keep them under your pillow….. It’s OK…I won’t tell anyone.

Yours in humble service,

Jules Carlysle.
XO

Now lets talk about cock…..

 

Today, I want to share a remarkable insight Junior had last night.

We were watching Season 2 of The West Wing, while we both worked separately on our laptops…In this particular episode, they are discussing the Defense of Marriage Act. We have had a similar debate in Canada, it’s the Conservatives wishing to limit the definition of marriage to a union between a man and a woman. It is the manifestation of knee-jerk backlash from people who fear that homosexuality is a political or moral agenda being perpetrated on society — and not a biological imperative or lifestyle choice.

So, I am personally of the opinion that if you are against gay marriage that you should absolutely NOT marry a gay person; but who I marry or have sex with is none of your business.

It’s ironic, I have spent a lot of ink talking about the fact that I haven’t had sex in over 10 years…LOL…apparently I think THAT’s your business…Who I sleep with…NOT your business…Who I DON’T SLEEP WITH….apparently — totally your business.

Now, while watching this episode of the West Wing, Adam made the off-handed remark that instead of protecting or defending marriage, it should just be abolished all together!

Everyone’s talking about the jabs taken at the Canadian Military by Fox’s Red Eye — it’s a satirical news show.

 Go easy on them.

 Republicans aren’t funny.

They have tried twice to recreate the Daily Show but failed because they don’t understand the nuances required to deliver good satire. The best Republican-leaning satire is The Colbert Report…now that’s funny.

Here’s the deal.  

 Nobody shits on the military.

That’s the rule.

Shit on the politicians; shit on the media-whores….go ahead and shit on celebrities if you are really that bored.

But do NOT shit on the troops.

It’s in the worst possible taste.

But I can’t and I won’t stop you from doing it.

In response to Greg Gutfeld’s comments, I would like to point out a few things about the Canadian Armed Forces.

In case you didn’t know, Greg,

Canada’s entire population is approximately 30 million people, or in other words, the population of California.

Our Canadian Armed Forces have a total of about 65,000 soldiers and civilians in service, compared to America’s 4 million in the combined armed services.

Only God knows why….traffic to this old post from 3yrs ago is way up this week…So let me help you out and repost it in a convenient location:

It was origonally called “Here Kitty-Kitty…Feeding Time on Parliament Hill”

 

5 Things Your Dog Would Never Do… 

 1.    Tell you your ass looks fat in those jeans

 2.    Ask you to wear a dog collar and call him “master”

 3.    Rent a video camera and ask you to tape yourself scratching his tummy

 4.    Leave you for a younger, prettier owner

 5.    Fart and blame it on your husband 

 

     

Bad Dogs/Bad Husbands…          

          A bad dog jumps on your mother
          A bad husband licks her face           

          A bad dog chews your bra
          A bad husband wears it
          A really bad husband buys his own                     

          A bad dog pees on your floor
          A bad husband pees on your Ficus
          A really bad husband comes home drunk and pees in the laundry hamper                    

          A bad dog humps the furniture
          A bad husband humps his secretary           

          A bad dog ‘makes’ in the hallway
          A bad husband makes crystal meth in the storm cellar                    

          A bad dog doesn’t understand the word “stay”
          Neither does a bad husband                     

Community Leaders involved with special interest groups — namely the Special Olympics — are up in arms over Ben Stiller’s new movie “Tropic Thunder”.

 It’s been in the news lately; I’m sure you’ve already heard the noise. They object to use of the word “retard” in the film. They are picketing and calling for boycott.

As I understand it, the movie is not mocking people with developmental disabilities. It is satirizing actors who take-on heavy-handed and morally exhaustive roles to win awards.

 

In this crazy world of ours, the potential for hurt feelings — or insult added to self-perceived injury — is ever-present. You simply cannot please all of the people all of the time. It’s ludicrous to be expected to try. 

 

Prior to filming, the producers and writers of Tropic Thunder apparently consulted with numerous organizations about the script, in a pre-emptive attempt at appeasement.  That offends me more than anything else.

 

I hate it when artists are so afraid of their own work that they held meetings in advance; Did Picasso hold focus groups – “So, this painting of a woman fellating a horse…is it too much?”  I very nearly bought this actual painting because it was original, signed and cheap; but I didn’t know where I could hang it. 

Listen people,

I love you.

You know I do and maybe I don’t always show it….

I could bring you flowers occasionally….take you out to dinner….kiss you like I really, really mean it.

But, sometimes life and fleeting bouts of rational thought  get in the way…

Just remember I love you as much as one person could possibly love a large group of people I’ve never met that share a common interest…

You know, like the large groups found in any Bingo Hall, drunk tank or holding cell.

I love you all…THAT MUCH!

Just wait till I plant one on ya’…then you’ll know…

But there comes a time when you’ve got to throw in that proverbial towel.

Know when to say “when”…

(I actually spelled that wrong and it came out “wen”….so cute! Hi Wen!!)

I have watched you all try really hard to engage “He who must not be named” positively…

I’ve read notes from people trying to – from a place of genuine compassion – figure out the f*ck is wrong with that guy….guessing at various mental diseases and defects.

First, thanks to Tom from Wisconsin for letting me post this picture of his adorable dog Buster with his Ducky.

Lacie5,  

 Whether you see it or not…whether you give a damn or not….your posts ARE most definitely mean-spirited and contain personal attacks.

 Every time you call someone IGNORANT, a HYPOCRITE, or STUPID…..either directly or indirectly, that is a personal attack and it’s not welcome over there. 

No one else is engaging in this behaviour….. 

 If you’ve ever looked at a situation in your life and wondered “Is it just me or…..”

 The answer, in this particular case, is YES…..Lacie5, it IS just you. 

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This was written to post in response to a dust-up on Brad Pattison’s Forum (dog trainer)…But the topic got deleted before I could finish it. I’m putting it here because there are some reasonable points and some of those same folks also belong to this site.  This isn’t really about this one particular dog trainer, that just happened to become the delivery mechanism for the ideas…It’s austensibly about courtesy, motives and anger….etc…That and, I wanted to go to bat for the super people who visit and participate on that forum. I had to put my dog down 4 months ago and they were a phenomenal source of support and comfort. They are truly beautiful, good people.

Another Brad Post….You May Fire When Ready

AKA: Put down that sack of terriers. I’m trying to inspire you…

OK People….stand back….I’ve got words, they’re loaded and I’m not afraid to use them. 

The Internet is a fabulous place, a vast global network where information and ideas are shared at the speed of light….A place where men are men and so are the chicks they meet on LavaLife….A place where, at any given moment, millions of teenagers have converged on social networking sites to make mistakes that will haunt them the rest of their natural lives. 

I’ve been many things in this life, a bestselling author, a successful IT entrepreneur, a consultant to the government, an alcoholic, a junkie, a mother and a criminal….

(I said I’ve been many things, I didn’t say they were all good.)

But today, I sit at the lowest point in my life.

This isn’t something I normally talk about openly.

But for you, I’m flinging the doors wide open on these deeply private matters because I can offer you a view of our country that most voters never get to see…..how it looks from the bottom.

You see….

I am marginal.

Today, as I write this post, my entire life exists only in the narrow space between somewhere and absolutely nowhere. 

While you likely reside in the wide open pages of life….writing your life story in broad, cursive strokes…using luxury words like adjectives and adverbs….

My story is squashed and squeezed behind that thin red line that so clearly divides us.

I am perched precariously on the razor edge, in constant danger of falling off the world entirely.

Well, a funny thing happened a month or so, ago…

It seems that when I invoked the name of Canadian Dog Trainer Brad Pattison, I conjured up the manifest rage of his rabid detractors.

So, despite having other things to do…I am wrapping up editing on one book, writing on the other and doing a daily 10km with weight training to prepare for the Naked Philosopher cover shoot… I’ve allowed myself to get pulled into the muck and mire, once again.

Let’s see if I can put this to bed once-and-for-all……
I’m a big fan of web-stats…some people think it’s creepy…I think it’s fascinating. Lately, my big daily “fun” is checking up on the search terms that bring people to my site. 

For several months the number one term has been “hamsters”…due to that satirical piece I wrote a couple of years ago “Hamsters: Burrowing Threat, Gathering Menace”….Second is normally, “Jules Carlysle” or some weird manipulation of my name or likeness….”Canadian Political Humorists”….and stuff like that is always high on the list.

 

We here at Canada Wry, wish to set the record straight.

While we APPLAUDE your passion and CELEBRATE your enthusiasm, there has been a flurry of recent activity of the email-variety….and it needs to be addressed.

No doubt, you have discovered that “comments” are turned off on this site. It’s a SPAM issue, nothing more.  Don’t be pissed. I’m clearly not silencing you, as I’ve heard from 92 readers so far. That’s a record breaker for us!

It seems your ire is directed at the recent post, “Continue Living Life….This post, (much like myself) is a work in progress”, which opened with a short riff about Canadian TV Dog Trainer Brad Pattison from At the End of My Leash on the Slice Network. 

It was a short throw-away paragraph in a piece that was austensibly about me being stripped back to bare bones by life and needing to identify what I’m holding onto that keeps me “here”. It’s a very personal, self-revelatory piece about a genuine struggle I’m having at this very moment. 

That’s not what YOU read though….

You, my friends….picked up on two rather loosely broached issues and ran with them…(baby…bathwater….bathwater…baby…you two should go ahead and get acquainted)

Bestselling author and political humorist, Jules Carlysle passed away today of complications due to the lifelong condition of stubborness. She is survived by a magician, a cocker spaniel, four hard boiled eggs and half a litre of milk.

“Continue Living Life”

….That’s what it said.

Let me begin at the beginning…

I’ve started watching “At the End of My Leash” on Slice and enjoying it tremendously. Canadian Dog Trainer/Life Coach(?) Brad Pattison takes on couples and families with dog problems and shows them how to regain control over their household.

Brad’s show inspired me to add another chapter to my current book…”KIDS! Can’t live with ‘em…can’t back over ‘em with the car”.

It starts like this:

“Standing an impressive fourth place on the
Official List of People Who Scare the Beejeebers
Out of Me, we find Celebrity Dog Trainer Brad Pattison. 

In case you’re curious, he ranks below George
Stroumboulopoulis from the CBC (he knows why)
and a guy with long grey hair who wears a leather
trench coat that follows me home from the grocery
store, but still ranks well above my dentist, who,…
hand-to-God…is a bona fide sadist.”

First, this pic was taken recently at an event in Toronto…The lovely lady in the photo is Illusionist Criss Angel…The the other gorgeous one on the right is one of my favorite people in the universe, Susan Boshcoff. I’m posting this photo without her permission. If she asks me to take it down, I will. But, I wanted to share it and I try to live by the ‘easier to ask forgiveness than permission docterine’. (Seriously, doesn’t she look great?…)

The other pic in this series is currently my desktop screensaver…because it annoys my son. You see, he’s a bit jealous…but when I asked him if he was jealous of Criss or Sue, he wasn’t entirely sure….anyway, poking my son with a stick is my responsibility as a parent…and I take it very seriously.

Now, back to our regularily scheduled program…I have a bone to pick with Criss Angel…

 

An Open Letter to Criss Angel

Dear Criss,

As a M.O.M (mother of magician), I admire what you’ve accomplished. Not only are you a phenomenal artist, but you’ve achieved something utterly amazing….You have single-handedly brought magic into popular culture and made it cool…Not since the rainbow-lovin’ Doug Henning donned his first spandex unitard, has magic been so goddamn sexy.

 

 

 

 

A furry plague on our planet, hamsters need to be wiped-out before every street in America is lined with cedar shavings.

 

What untold evil lurks in the hearts of these sadistic bastards?

 

Who will be the next victim of these bastions of mayhem?
How do we foil their dastardly plans?

 

These are some of the crucial questions we must ask ourselves before it’s too late; We call upon our government to take immediate, pre-emptive military action against the hamsters. They must be wiped out where they live, work and train. We must fight them “there” so that we will not have to fight them “here”.

 

We must wage a global war on hamsters before they further infiltrate our homes, stripmalls and kindergarten classrooms. All pet stores and primary schools must be carpet-bombed with cats immediately.

 

We recognize and regret that there will be a human toll paid, once our troops are engaged in armed conflict with the hamsters, but remember, these pet stores have been openly harbouring hamsters for generations.

 

First, my heartfelt congratulations to Kathy Griffin for her Emmy win….from one redhead to another….She has been an under-rated comedien for too long.

Now, there’s a dust-up because she said “Suck It Jesus”… in her thank you speech. 

Here’s the deal people….you are NOT constitutionally protected against being offended or having your feelings hurt. Free speech is not FREE if there are limits placed on it. We must defend ….adamantly defend the rights of people to say things we hate…to say things that make our blood boil and our stomach turn. You equally have the right to disagree.

I’m so sick of people telling us what we can and cannot think based on their own limited perspective and system of beliefs….This is not Tripoli for fucksakes! America is out spreading ‘freedom’ in the Middle East….while shredding the Bill of Rights at home….Kathy Griffin can say anything she bloody well wants to — and so can you.

If you don’t think she should be able to….or if you think there should be government limitations on who says what, where and when…then ask yourself this: Are you too weak to handle living with FREEDOM? 

  *sigh*…Why are Janet Jacksons nipples  still making headlines? If I knew I could get 3 years worth of international headlines by exposing one of mine…well….let’s just say, I’d be whipping them out every once in awhile. It’d be well worth the fine….for me anyway. There wouldn’t be enough therapy in the world for you however…

Ironically, even with the $550,000 indecency fine levied against CBS….Janet Jackson does not have the most expensive breasts in history. That honour is reserved for Sharon Stone’s nipples. They co-starred with Sharon in the ill-conceived film, Basic Instinct 2. It’s hard to imagine making a movie that bad by accident…..Anyway, Stone’s nipples gave a stellar performance and were robbed of the Oscar I tell ya…ROBBED!

On the flipside, Elizibeth Berkley’s nipples ruined her career. Speaking of bad movies; after the Showgirls fiasco, Berkley’s bright hollywood – Saved By the Bell – light was snuffed out by her nude foray into big budget pictures. While Gina Gershon’s career, nipples and all, has remained in tact.

I guess some breasts have more marketability than others.

“It’s pronounced Ver-sach-ee”

This was a fun one. I started the original post in support of the Poppies for Medicine proposal put forth by a UK polling company who surveyed Canadians — who also thought that buying poppy crops from Afghan farmers to make legal medications was a better idea than the current poppy economy which sells them for illegal heroin production. I thought; OOOH! legal economy…that seems like a reasonable idea…

But, by the time I finished writing the short post, I realized it’s a terrible idea.

First, a country with an infrastructure already comprimised by war can’t handle the sudden law enforcement and healthcare challenges caused by a sudden rise in jonesin’ heroin addicts all looking for a product that is suddenly in very short supply.

Secondly, if I were a farmer with a crop of poppies….even if I had intended to sell it to the Canadians or the drug companies….I would have second thoughts at harvest time…living in abject poverty….wouldn’t I go where I can maximize my profits and sell my crop on the black market?

They need to get rid of the poppies all together and replace it with another more marketable, less harmful crop…like marajuianna!