OK….I admit it.
This is a slightly re-worked reprint of a column I wrote back in 2008.
The original had one of my customary inflammatory titles, but I fear InformedVote.ca might not be ready to entertain me in all of my salty, fight-provoking glory just yet.
I’ll give you a hint though…The previous title implied Stephen Harper is so enamoured of a certain country to our immediate South, that he metaphorically got down on his knees and….uhmmm….pleasured them spectacularly. *I have restored previous title*
Now, there is a perfectly good reason why I have chosen this column to reprint and there’s even a reason why I do so today.
The Federal Budget came down today and….well, you don’t need me to tell you.
It’s all over the news and smarter people than I have written about it on this very website. Suffice to say, the budget does little more than pay lip-service (see that? I made a funny) to helping our country’s most vulnerable populations.
If you are thinking of sending me an angry email about how offended you are by this off-colour the topic….
I have only one thing to say to you:
“uhmmmm…. What, are you new in town?”
Our new policy at CanadaWry is to feel flattered by your attention. Clearly, something about my work compels you to visit this site day after day and night after sleepless night…..even though you hate me sooooo much.
I want to thank you for that. You are giving me an awful lot of power and I want you to know that I will honour and respect that which you choose to surrender to me.
I promise to continue giving you everything you seem to need from me, by continuing to write about things that upset you….in a way that drives you to the very brink of your sanity.
By the way, I have a few books coming out soon…..you may want to buy them as soon as possible and keep them under your pillow….. It’s OK…I won’t tell anyone.
Yours in humble service,
Now lets talk about cock…..
Bestselling author and political humorist, Jules Carlysle passed away today of complications due to the lifelong condition of stubborness. She is survived by a magician, a cocker spaniel, four hard boiled eggs and half a litre of milk.
“Continue Living Life”
….That’s what it said.
Let me begin at the beginning…
I’ve started watching “At the End of My Leash” on Slice and enjoying it tremendously. Canadian Dog Trainer/Life Coach(?) Brad Pattison takes on couples and families with dog problems and shows them how to regain control over their household.
Brad’s show inspired me to add another chapter to my current book…”KIDS! Can’t live with ‘em…can’t back over ‘em with the car”.
It starts like this:
“Standing an impressive fourth place on the
Official List of People Who Scare the Beejeebers
Out of Me, we find Celebrity Dog Trainer Brad Pattison.
In case you’re curious, he ranks below George
Stroumboulopoulis from the CBC (he knows why)
and a guy with long grey hair who wears a leather
trench coat that follows me home from the grocery
store, but still ranks well above my dentist, who,…
hand-to-God…is a bona fide sadist.”
I wrote this last year when Harry Potter came out….in light of the recent Bat Movie….it seemed apropos to dust it off again pour vous! Enjoy…
BOX OFFICE MAGIC or SMOKE & MIRRORS
With a whopping $44.8 million, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix has broken the all-time record for the biggest single-day box office opening in history, or something like that.
The boy wizard handily trounced the records set by both Pirates of the Caribbean and Spiderman 3 earlier this summer.
I make no quarrel with Potter’s success. I saw the movie. I liked it. This is not a movie review.
I’m thinkin’ there’s something fishy about these big budget, record-breaking blockbusters …
Has anybody else noticed that almost every movie this year has opened with some kind of previously heretofore unheard of earth-shaking , box office shattering success?
Transformers currently holds the record for best “Tuesday debut.”
Spiderman 3 is number one for the “biggest opening weekend”.
But then we start measuring the season, the rating and the days of the week.
Are we still being reasonable, even as we stretch languidly into Biggest PG-13 Non-Sequel Action Movie Opening After a Full Moon While Mercury is in Retrograde-territory?
First, this pic was taken recently at an event in Toronto…The lovely lady in the photo is Illusionist Criss Angel…The the other gorgeous one on the right is one of my favorite people in the universe, Susan Boshcoff. I’m posting this photo without her permission. If she asks me to take it down, I will. But, I wanted to share it and I try to live by the ‘easier to ask forgiveness than permission docterine’. (Seriously, doesn’t she look great?…)
The other pic in this series is currently my desktop screensaver…because it annoys my son. You see, he’s a bit jealous…but when I asked him if he was jealous of Criss or Sue, he wasn’t entirely sure….anyway, poking my son with a stick is my responsibility as a parent…and I take it very seriously.
Now, back to our regularily scheduled program…I have a bone to pick with Criss Angel…
An Open Letter to Criss Angel
As a M.O.M (mother of magician), I admire what you’ve accomplished. Not only are you a phenomenal artist, but you’ve achieved something utterly amazing….You have single-handedly brought magic into popular culture and made it cool…Not since the rainbow-lovin’ Doug Henning donned his first spandex unitard, has magic been so goddamn sexy.
Paris – “I ___________ therefor I am” (get it? she doesn’t actually do ANYTHING) -Hilton’s new movie “The Hottie and the Nottie” opened this weekend on 111 screens nationwide and raked in a breathtaking $23,000. …awwww…I know what you’re thinking….these high-minded artistic movies don’t find their audience until later…sometimes they go unappreciated for years (much like myself)
Why, $23,000 is hardly enough to cover the antibiotics!
I’m sorry….I just can’t help feeling kinda smugly self-satisfied……I’ve just gained new respect for the movie-going public….
I’d like to teach the world to sing…in perfect harmony….I’d like to buy the world a coke….and keep it company…..
You know, the sad part is….that Paris Hilton will still be cast in another movie….she’ll still make millions of dollars for doing nothing…..and she’s still skinnier than I am.
Funniest Thing happened….I was reminded of this totally weird site I created two years ago when I had too much time on my hands one fate-full Canada Day weekend…
For some reason, I created this satiri-site called Colbear-Nation….my son and Sister Sue were reading me excerpts last night and I must admit….I thought I was fuckin’ hilarious.
Some of the links and design are broken so you’ll have to navigate from here…but…DAMN…I can be really weird sometimes.
I did the photo-doctoring too….except the gopher with the helmet & grenade launcher
It started last night because I used the hamster with a grenade launcher last year to send to my boss after 2 mice I caught on a glue trap escaped…I sent it out with an email saying….”They’re coming back to get me….and this time it’s PERSONAL!” (You’ll get it later)
It’s not my best work…sort of poorly drawn satire…but, enjoy it anyway!
The only guests still willing to talk to Bill O’Reilly are creepy-looking puppets…..oh that`s not a nice thing to say about Michelle Malkin……..and 80′s TV hearthrob….Alf……
Hey! Wasn’t Dennis Miller also popular in the 80′s?
I remember when Dennis Miller was funny…..*sigh*….I miss THAT Dennis Miller….
I digress, sorry…..
Over the past several years Bill O`Reilly has been invited to debate numerous people…My personal favorites being George Clooney, Keith Olbermann and Mark Cuban. I would trade a non-esstential internal organ to watch any one of those…
But, alas….this is not to be….instead, Bill O`Reilly is debating Alf….
Alf, the puppet from days of TV yore. I`d say more, but what more could I possibly add….I don`t like to pick the low-hanging fruit.
Damn….sweeps just ain`t what they used to be.
I have some important news for you and I don’t want you to get upset…..
The sky is blue
Water is wet
An object in motion will stay in motion…An object at rest will stay at rest
And a juvenile, arrogant, irresponsible, liar….will abuse power if you give him any…..These are the universal laws (sort of)
President George W Bush LIED!
What’s that you say????
It’s not possible????
Hey, and I don’t want to rain on your parade but, so did Cheney, Libby, Card…blah blah blah….I can barely be bothered to type it out anymore.
OK fine, they are still important news….But, why does everyone feign SURPRISE and OUTRAGE?
I’m not even going to try and say something insightful and pithy…..
Let’s go with this instead:
It’s time to sit America down and stage an intervention.
I think I’d go with something like this…
If a piano falls in the forest and crushes a wandering piano tuner….and no one is there to sketch it into a New Yorker cartoon…is it still funny?…or, as the very act of observation alters what is being observed…is the ironic rendered ironic, merely by our observation.
Or does irony stand alone…
Personally, I like to think of irony like Sanata Claus….it lives in our hearts and delivers us unexpected gifts occasionally….when we have been very good girls and boys. We don’t always recognize immediately the value of these unexpected gems that fall into our lives….But, eventually…even the footless man must admit he appreciates those wooly socks you got him….When life hands you lemons….make chicken salad.
Brian DePalma’s new movie has been redacted due to a montage of dead soldiers he had featured….I’ll let you read about it here….yes, because I’m totally lazy. (Not so much lazy as busy doing stuff…like The Book of Larry that’s due in January….producing the talk show…writing a new radio spot….working for the United Way….working for my old clients as marketing/media liason…..and the new job with Futura….and of course, trying to keep you blog readers hap-hap-happy)
Stormtroopers advanced a campaign of “Shock & Ma” Tuesday when a breastfeeding Newfoundland woman was asked cover up or leave the Universal Studios Theme park in Orlando.
While personally I’m not much of a ‘naked person’, I believe breastfeeding should be allowed everywhere. The fact is, once the baby latches on, not much is visible….and damnit a kid’s gotta eat.
I’m not entirely comfortable when a woman is breastfeeding around me…I don’t know where to look and those nipples seem to follow me wherever I go….But, it’s pretty hilarious when someone uses the argument that “this is a family place”…as their objection to a mother nursing her baby.
These are the same people who aren’t offended by Bratz Dolls, low-rise jeans and slut-wear on 8 year old girls. We are comfortable with sexualized nudity on TV and billboards and the sexualization of our young….but non-sexual nudity is considered offensive to our delicate sensibilities.
My teenage son told me yesterday that his history teacher has decided not to show Schindler’s List to his class because of the nudity. I don’t remember the nudity, but my son thinks it’s concentration camp related….hostages being stripped of their clothes and being executed or sprayed down….emaciated bodies….suffering….humiliation….correct me if I’m wrong, but I don’t remember any hot Nazi on Nazi action…(Is that a swastica in your pocket or are you in need of medical attention?)
Britney Spears’ mother Lynn is writing a parenting book….wow….’nuff said….
I apologize in advance for the big spaces….formatting in WordPress is a bit of a nightmare for me….
But, not really being interested in writing “Adult Content” , I sent the following inquiry for clarification.
This is the reply I received, which surprised and frankly, confused me...I thought she was angry at my assumption that she was making adult-themed content...
Concerned that I had offended her somehow, and in fact, wondering if maybe she confused me with someone else…Like maybe someone else read her ad and sent a dirty story as a submission àudition`and it wasn`t what she had intended with the ad to begin with. I had no idea she was offended by my politics and couldn`t figure out how she could judge my `talent` based on 2 sentences…..so, I sent this…
At least Nero only fiddled while Rome burned while Glen …someone please explain why this guy still has a job…..Beck danced a jig on the charred and still burning remains of Malibu beach, declaring….I shit-you-not…”I think there is a handful of people who hate America. Unfortunately for them, a lot of them are losing their homes in a forest fire today.” Beck continued: “There are a few people that hate America. But I don’t think the Democrats are those. I think there are those posing as Democrats that are like that.” Geez…..that last part was uncharacteristically generous of him….This is the juvinile rhetoric that really must be ignored, lest it do more damage….that’s why I draw attention to it here….the irony is not lost on me I assure you! There are very few people who actually ‘HATE’ America….disagreeing with someone or something is not a sign of hatred…It’s a sign of committment, passion and concern. Somewhere between games of hopscotch and pulling pigtails, everyone learns that people may disagree and still be capable of civil behaviour. Beck and others of his ilk show a pathological inability to empathize…..nobody who has been driven from their home tonight….nobody who is suffering a great loss…has it coming.
JK Rowling revealed the shocking news that Dumbledore, the famed and beloved Headmaster of the harry Potter series is gay, at the International Author’s Festival today. I don’t know why…but I couldn’t be happier. Pointy hats, heeled shoes and elaborate flowing robes aside…I never would have guessed that Dumbledore was homosexual. Of course, these stories were not about sexuality so the subject wouldn’t have come up….we never would have known, had the question not been posed…”Did Dumbledore ever find true love?” I was sad to hear the answer….Gay men are always so hard on each other…uhmm…pun not intended but certainly aknowledged.
I’ve always been madly attracted to Richard Harris…….stop looking at me like that….At times, he resembles the great love of my life….Ironically, it too ended in a fierce battle between the forces of good and evil….guess which side I was on……..WRONG!
I don’t care what he says….he does NOT have a magic wand. …and that’s all I can say about that….
I’m on pins and needles waiting for the Conservative Right to freak out over this……Rowling is richer than the Queen now….what does she care? God Bless Her! It’s not like the books featured any hot wizard on wizard action….(I have that Joe Cocker song ‘You Can Leave Your Hat On’ playing in my head)
Once again, the United States could benefit from looking to Canada as an example of certain policies that work effectively. I know it pains them….those who know Canada exists anyway….and generally Americans have a hard time giving credit to Canada for anything.
(I’m still annoyed that after Sept 11, when Bush was thanking countries for their outpouring of support, Canada was left off the list. Personally, I thought it was extraordinary that we not only received the diverted plane traffic but, Canadian citizens actually took displaced passengers into their homes because the borders were closed. I think it warranted a shout out at least since he was already thanking a long list of helpers…..)
In Canada, when one party wins the election, the party that wins second place becomes the Official Opposition.
That’s their name “OFFICIAL OPPOSITION”.
It’s their job to argue/debate/challenge every decision the ruling party wants to make. It’s like being assigned a position in a debate competition or making a very public list of ‘Pros and Cons’ (hmmmm…..that makes me think of criminals and prostitutes…how ironically apropos) I won’t insult you by explaining why arguing all sides of an important decision is not only beneficial but CRITICAL….again, see what I did there? I made a funny….
Everyone knows a woman’s happiness in life is not directly proportional to the size of her breasts. ….. It’s directly proportional to the size of her penis. Not just the one attached to her husband, partner or pool-man, but the figurative penis that reflects her level of self confidence, worth and comfort in her sexuality.
Don’t be insulted by the insinuation. We don’t need a penis to be fulfilled (oh so many jokes here….)
I’m saying that there’s a lesson to be learned from these homely little, balding, fat, minimum-wage earning guys who believe that they deserve to date supermodels. You know who they are. They are everywhere. One of them is probably trying to talk his girlfriend into having plastic surgery at this very moment.
A study reported in Reuters today concluded that women with breast implants are at an increased risk to commit suicide.
It’s a chicken and egg thing though…women who undergo breast implant surgery, clearly aren’t prancing through fields of daisies singing show tunes prior to paying thousands and thousands of dollars to have masked men cut into their bodies with sharp objects.
I don’t object to breast enhancement surgery….I just think a box of Kleenex is safer and only costs about 59 cents.
This is a remarkable video from the CBC called OUT IN IRAN
A Canadian study has determined that men are more likely to look at sexual content on the internet and that women are proportionately less likely to view porn online or off.
Why exactly did we pay for anyone to conduct this study to begin with??
Next, we should commission a study into whether or not the earth orbits the sun…………
OH MY GOD! A recently study conducted by the The Society of Irritatingly Redundant Information has recently determined that WATER IS WET.
Maybe I can get some government cash to study the likelyhood that my dog has fur…..(she does by the way.)
I’m being a hypocrite here because one of my jobs is to write grant and project proposals to the government.