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These photos taken in Kirkland Lake Ontario
made me feel magic….and awe….

I see warm memories  whenever the trees are covered with snow.
I think snow is romantic (it’s OK to laugh…everyone does)
…and I’m a good Northern Girl and always appreciate a good moose-sighting.

These photos of a rare white moose will open to larger image files.

Famous cock – Foghorn Leghorn

 

OK…OK….

If you are thinking of sending me an angry email about how offended you are by this off-colour the topic….

I have only one thing to say to you:

“uhmmmm…. What, are you new in town?”

Our new policy at CanadaWry is to feel flattered by your attention. Clearly, something about my work compels you to visit this site day after day and night after sleepless night…..even though you hate me sooooo much.

I want to thank you for that. You are giving me an awful lot of power and I want you to know that I will honour and respect that which you choose to surrender to me.

I promise to continue giving you everything you seem to need from me, by continuing to write about things that upset you….in a way that drives you to the very brink of your sanity.

By the way, I have a few books coming out soon…..you may want to buy them as soon as possible and keep them under your pillow….. It’s OK…I won’t tell anyone.

Yours in humble service,

Jules Carlysle.
XO

Now lets talk about cock…..

Words are powerful tools…

Words can, quite literally, change the world.

Well chosen words can inspire the masses,

Topple empires …..

and make women swoon.

That’s right -

SWOON.

Note the phrase – “well chosen”  here…it’s important to make the distinction.

 

Writers, even the good ones, ones whose names everyone knows…
icons like William Shakespeare and Steven King…could never claim
that scantily clad women line up outside Barnes and Noble begging to pleasure them.

No one throws their panties at a book signing. (I found out the hard way)

Forget what you think you know about the glamorous, erotic underworld of the literary elite…

Writers aren’t rock stars.

Pasty-faced and socially awkward, James Bond-esque, suave lotharios we are not.

So, in all fairness, is it any wonder that our descriptions of sex sometimes miss the mark? 

I mean….really….truly…SPECTACULARLY miss the mark.

The Associated Press reports that the editors of Literary Review Magazine in the UK, have awarded their annual “Bad Sex in Literature Award” to American author Jonathon Littell. The award is given annually to the most crude or ridiculous depiction of sex in literature.  (Fun Fact: John Updike was given a Lifetime Achievement Award!)

5 Things Your Dog Would Never Do… 

 1.    Tell you your ass looks fat in those jeans

 2.    Ask you to wear a dog collar and call him “master”

 3.    Rent a video camera and ask you to tape yourself scratching his tummy

 4.    Leave you for a younger, prettier owner

 5.    Fart and blame it on your husband 

 

     

Bad Dogs/Bad Husbands…          

          A bad dog jumps on your mother
          A bad husband licks her face           

          A bad dog chews your bra
          A bad husband wears it
          A really bad husband buys his own                     

          A bad dog pees on your floor
          A bad husband pees on your Ficus
          A really bad husband comes home drunk and pees in the laundry hamper                    

          A bad dog humps the furniture
          A bad husband humps his secretary           

          A bad dog ‘makes’ in the hallway
          A bad husband makes crystal meth in the storm cellar                    

          A bad dog doesn’t understand the word “stay”
          Neither does a bad husband                     

I’m posting what I have to date….It’s not done….It’s certainly not right. I have to move on and write someting else. I’ll come back to this one:

The biggest problem with this piece is rhythm….humour is all about the rhythm.  

There’s an age old saying (and by “age old” I mean “the 1980′s”) that has graced both cheesy motivational posters and love songs written by Sting.

It goes a little something like this:

“If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, you didn’t duct tape the laboratory magnets to its head correctly”.

No, that’s not it.

It’s actually:

“If you love something set it free. If it comes back, it is yours. If it doesn’t, it never was.” 

This is not only a timeless message about the nature of true love, it’s also a comforting thing to tell your neighbour when their leaf blower, garden gnomes or housecat go missing.

The other is less like a Sting lyric and more like fraternity hazing ritual passed off as scientific research. 

  I honestly don’t know whether to laugh or cry.

It seems that parents are using the Safe Haven Law in Nebraska to abandon their teenagers at local hospitals….and in fact….they are even crossing state lines to do it. 

Now, the Safe Haven Laws were enacted specifically to keep newborn infants born to teen Moms or others who, not knowing what to do and fearing they might be grounded if their Moms discovered they just squeezed one out on the bathroom floor of the neighbourhood Chevron….from being harmed. It’s a time-limited “no questions asked” arrangement.

However, the law, as written by the Nebraska Legislature, does not specify time or age limits and simply refers to the subject by the generic term “child”….resulting in some obvious and slightly hilarious issues. Less amusing however, is the reality that these teens live with the knowledge that their parents consider them disposable. 

We walk around dazed and confused by the shocking, brazen, violent and cavalier behaviour of our children and young adults. I read the newspapers and wonder how these kids determined in their own minds that stealing, killing, raping or even simply vandalizing someone else’s property was something that could, should or would be done.

 

Funniest Thing happened….I was reminded of this totally weird site I created two years ago when I had too much time on my hands one fate-full Canada Day weekend…

For some reason, I created this satiri-site called Colbear-Nation….my son and Sister Sue were reading me excerpts last night and I must admit….I thought I was fuckin’ hilarious.

Some of the links and design are broken so you’ll have to navigate from here…but…DAMN…I can be really weird sometimes.

I did the photo-doctoring too….except the gopher with the helmet & grenade launcher

It started last night because I used the hamster with a grenade launcher last year to send to my boss after 2 mice I caught on a glue trap escaped…I sent it out with an email saying….”They’re coming back to get me….and this time it’s PERSONAL!” (You’ll get it later)

It’s not my best work…sort of poorly drawn satire…but, enjoy it anyway!

http://www.colbear-nation.com

http://colbear-nation.com/Hamsters.htm

http://colbear-nation.com/Hall%20of%20Fame.html

http://colbear-nation.com/Jules.html

Finally!

The only guests still willing to talk to Bill O’Reilly are creepy-looking puppets…..oh that`s not a nice thing to say about Michelle Malkin……..and 80′s TV hearthrob….Alf……

Hey! Wasn’t Dennis Miller also popular in the 80′s?

I remember when Dennis Miller was funny…..*sigh*….I miss THAT Dennis Miller….

I digress, sorry…..

Over the past several years Bill O`Reilly has been invited to debate numerous people…My personal favorites being George Clooney, Keith Olbermann and Mark Cuban. I would trade a non-esstential internal organ to watch any one of those…

But, alas….this is not to be….instead, Bill O`Reilly is debating Alf….

No, seriously….

Alf, the puppet from days of TV yore.  I`d say more, but what more could I possibly add….I don`t like to pick the low-hanging fruit.

Damn….sweeps just ain`t what they used to be.

Fine! I take it back….David Copperfield really is creepy. 

I have defended him. I’ve said we need to ‘Give Copperfield a Break’…But, TMZ uncovered this instructional document from Copperfield’s show complete with instructions on how to seperate prospective prey from the herd and what appear to be some pretty lame code words….You know, I can’t even make this funny…it’s just freakin’ weird.  I’m entirely dumbstruck.

Since I can’t be funny about this….I’ll let Copperfield’s hair be hilarious for me…..remember when he made the Statue of Liberty disappear?…well, I think I know where he stashed it…..That is one suspicious lid he’s sportin’! 

Now, to be fair….and as icky as it may seem….this behaviour is no different from rock bands who have roadies select girls pulled from the audience to ‘party’ with the band after a concert…It’s precisely the same thing. And those chicks know exactly what/who they are doing and trust me, they know they aren’t boarding the tour bus for tea biscuits and a rousing game of Scrabble.

If some chick with stars in her eyes, was willing to overlook the erratic overgrowth above his….and decided to head to an island with a man they barely know…unless, he used force, she must take some responsibility….if he used force, all bets are off. But my original argument about that remains unchanged. (See link above)

I don’t know if he’s guilt or innocent, but I do think David Copperfield is being treated unfairly.

The alleged victim remains unnamed and her story remains untold but, the Feds have been leaking details early in this investigation and it’s not right.

Say what you will about the guy….

He’s pompus, weird, a little creepy…but he’s a magician and they cultivate their own caricature and persona.  It doesn’t mean he’s a bad guy.

Can anybody name a famous magician that didn’t come off as slightly odd?

Anyone remember Doug Henning’s rainbow spandex?  David Blaine’s sullen, brooding man of mystery shtick disguises a lack of personal charisma. Which is a good choice for him….keeps him mysterious….

 Criss Angel…..good-god-damn…don’t get me started on Criss Angel…cute as Hell, sexy, charisma like crazy….but he started talking too much…and he must have fired the stylist that re-tooled his image for the first year of his show…now it’s bad hair, bad marriage…too much exposure, suddenly his show is laying down some serious hack-magic and it’s showing…..I don’t usually believe that familiarity breeds contempt but we don’t worry about missing his show anymore….we used to tape and re-watch everything he did.  Too much exposure baby! Bad for magicians…

I apologize in advance for the big spaces….formatting in WordPress is a bit of a nightmare for me….

I was looking for short-form fiction gigs to exercise my creative muscles and I came across the following ad on Craig’s List…

 

 

 

 

 

But, not really being interested in writing “Adult Content” , I sent the following inquiry for clarification.

 

 

 

This is the reply I received, which surprised and frankly, confused me...I thought she was angry at my assumption that she was making adult-themed content...

 

 

 

 

 

Concerned that I had offended her somehow, and in fact, wondering if maybe she confused me with someone else…Like maybe someone else read her ad and sent a dirty story as a submission àudition`and it wasn`t what she had intended with the ad to begin with. I had no idea she was offended by my politics and couldn`t figure out how she could judge my `talent` based on 2 sentences…..so, I sent this…

 

 

 

 

Back in 2004, Bill O’Reilly settled a sexual harassment lawsuit filed by a former producer for his Fox News show The O’Reilly Factor. Many websites picked up the more titillating excerpts from the legal filing, and I don’t blame them. No one has ever ….uhhh…..errrrr….’offered’ to ‘pleasure’ me with a sandwich in a shower and frankly, I’m grateful for that. But, I can understand why this particular detail became the …uhhhhh…’shot heard round the world’.

I’m not a big fan of the Falafel but I have Lebanese relatives and as sandwiches go, the Falafel is dangerously close to a Chicken Shawarma. Thank God this didn’t happen to me because Bill’s Caribbean Sandwich Sex Shower Fantasy would have really spoiled my ability to enjoy lunches in Ottawa for the rest of the foreseeable future.

In case you’ve been living in outerspace, Bill actually confused a Falafel with a Loofah sponge while describing his Caribbean shower fantasy in an unwelcome phone sex session directed at this particular producer. The resulting story is both graphic and completely HILARIOUS!

Man, ya gotta hate it when this happens!  Poor dude in Venzuela woke up during his own autopsy. Luckily they had only just begun…(cue Streisand music)…..and you thought YOU were having a bad day. I feel badly for the guy, who had been fished out of a car wreck…but it had to be an enormous relief to his wife who had come down to the morgue to identify his body only to find him alive…abeit pissed off on a gurny in the hallway.   Enough about the not dead/dead guy….can you imagine how it would feel to be the coroner standing over the table? It’s enough to give you a heart attack.

Interesting question…do you think morgues have defibulators on hand?

….and if yes….WHY?

Tip: There are no comforting answers .  

 A disgruntled Belgian voter put his country up for sale on Ebay.

Hilarious? Totally…But, also understandable.  Tell me how a country of 10 million people racks up $300 billion in national debt. That’s 30 billion dollars per person… Is Bush secretly running Belgium too? Hell, it wouldn’t have to be in secret….who pays any attention to Belgium?

 …Try ….   EVERYTHING! 

OH DUUUUUUUDE……SERIOUSLY……

You’re killin’ me here.

I was looking for a pic to put with the story below and found this.

I stand by David Duchovny’s hotness…but, this picture really calls my judgement into question.

He looks characteristically pouty albeit a little slippery and scared…

David, baby….I can’t defend you in the shiny pants….but, to be fair…it takes a man very secure in his masculinity to don spandex and perch like that….I’ll spare you the obvious ‘ball’ jokes.

 ’It was a well known saying in Russia “that there is no leisure intercourse in Soviet Russia”, probably it is less known for the rest of the world. It meant that Soviet citizens have made this only for get some kids. But recently it has been known that there was a whole bunch of those little thingies available for some sale in Russia, though they couldn’t be bought freely… ….

     OK, now I’ve seen everything….I keep saying that, but I always mean it. 

Hot Mormons taking off their clothes…..pinch me.

I must be in my gay best friend David’s fantasy.

Mormon’s are possibly the nicest people in the world, but they still believe their underwear is magical…and they were seriously duped by some questionable behavior by the founder. John Smith wasn’t it? 

I don’t mind pretty — but dumb just doesn’t cut it.

Don’t like my title? …Here’s my argument….’taking god’s name in vain is NOT using his name in casual conversation or as a curse….it’s actually fighting wars and committing atrocities in god’s name’. Why do Christian’s insist on giving their god the emotional maturity of a pre-pubescent 11 year old girl from a broken home?….The God I believe in is bigger than all of that.

Now shut-up and go follow the link to enjoy the pretty pictures of shirtless missionaries that I have provided for you. LOL

Well too bad baby because you’ve got it! 

It seems the reason she doesn’t appear on some magazine covers has nothing to do with her penchant for throwing cellphones and sharp objects at employees — and it’s certainly not because she has a notoriously bad attitude — It’s because she’s black. (no seriously…she said this)

Naomi has joined with a number of other supermodels and black industry officials to stage rallies aimed at putting pressure on the fashion industry to …..oh whatever….for crissakes…they are SUPERMODELS….

I must admit, I had no idea they were so oppressed….I mean, Naomi Campbell says ….well…it’s not that she doesn’t still get on the cover of Vogue…But she must take “extraordinary measures”. 

I know what she means…I personally would have to grow another foot or so. (In height not an actual foot – that would just be weird), lose most of my body weight and become actually attractive.

Then beat out millions of other women who’ve won the genetic lottery and spend my days throwing temper tantrums and beating my subordinates — all for millions and millions of dollars.

I suggest everybody forget about the refugees in Darfur and put their support behind the SUPERMODELS who really need it.