Britain Bad Sex Award

Words are powerful tools…

Words can, quite literally, change the world.

Well chosen words can inspire the masses,

Topple empires …..

and make women swoon.

That’s right -

SWOON.

Note the phrase – “well chosen”  here…it’s important to make the distinction.

 

Writers, even the good ones, ones whose names everyone knows…
icons like William Shakespeare and Steven King…could never claim
that scantily clad women line up outside Barnes and Noble begging to pleasure them.

No one throws their panties at a book signing. (I found out the hard way)

Forget what you think you know about the glamorous, erotic underworld of the literary elite…

Writers aren’t rock stars.

Pasty-faced and socially awkward, James Bond-esque, suave lotharios we are not.

So, in all fairness, is it any wonder that our descriptions of sex sometimes miss the mark? 

I mean….really….truly…SPECTACULARLY miss the mark.

The Associated Press reports that the editors of Literary Review Magazine in the UK, have awarded their annual “Bad Sex in Literature Award” to American author Jonathon Littell. The award is given annually to the most crude or ridiculous depiction of sex in literature.  (Fun Fact: John Updike was given a Lifetime Achievement Award!)

fozzy.jpg   Fozzy Bear – Fugitive

Robbed of an Oscar for his role in the 1979 hit “The Muppet Movie” this beloved funnyman left show business in the early 80′s and turned to a life of crime. Paroled after 6 years in prison for drug and weapons offenses, Fozzy once again ran afoul of the law when he accidentally killed a hooker in Reno in a dispute over an 8 ball of cocaine and a bucket full of raw fish.

grizzly-adams.jpg  Gentle Ben

Who doesn’t have fond memories
of Gentle Ben from the hairy mountain drama Grizzly Adams? Popular with the ladies, this fella was the George Clooney of television, before George Clooney was the George Clooney of television. Smart, and devilishly handsome, this smooth operator was named Sexiest Bear Alive by People Magazine 3 years running. In a curious twist of fate, like George Clooney, he was eventually bumped off the list by Brad Pitt. Apparently People Magazine can’t find enough lists to award Brad Pitt “sexiest” man of…..

 

 

Winnie-the-Pooh 

 This is Conan O’Brien’s letter…I think he did a fine job. As an editor, there is very little I would quibble over! You and I both know how important my opinion is to Mr. Obrien….So I’m sure this will be a huge relief for him. (hey! he’s not the only one who can be funny)

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People of Earth:

In the last few days, I’ve been getting a lot of sympathy calls, and I want to start by making it clear that no one should waste a second feeling sorry for me. For 17 years, I’ve been getting paid to do what I love most and, in a world with real problems, I’ve been absurdly lucky. That said, I’ve been suddenly put in a very public predicament and my bosses are demanding an immediate decision. .

Community Leaders involved with special interest groups — namely the Special Olympics — are up in arms over Ben Stiller’s new movie “Tropic Thunder”.

 It’s been in the news lately; I’m sure you’ve already heard the noise. They object to use of the word “retard” in the film. They are picketing and calling for boycott.

As I understand it, the movie is not mocking people with developmental disabilities. It is satirizing actors who take-on heavy-handed and morally exhaustive roles to win awards.

 

In this crazy world of ours, the potential for hurt feelings — or insult added to self-perceived injury — is ever-present. You simply cannot please all of the people all of the time. It’s ludicrous to be expected to try. 

 

Prior to filming, the producers and writers of Tropic Thunder apparently consulted with numerous organizations about the script, in a pre-emptive attempt at appeasement.  That offends me more than anything else.

 

I hate it when artists are so afraid of their own work that they held meetings in advance; Did Picasso hold focus groups – “So, this painting of a woman fellating a horse…is it too much?”  I very nearly bought this actual painting because it was original, signed and cheap; but I didn’t know where I could hang it. 

the-informantOh Johnny Honey….Johnny Depp…..you beautiful bastard.  

Please forgive me for what I am about to say.  You KNOW how much I love you….

But Matt Damon may actually be the greatest actor of my generation….of OUR generation.

No…..shhhhhhhh……it’s OK Johnny…shhhhhhhh….it’s OK……OK-baby….it’ll be fine.

You are still OH sooooooo talented….and cooooooool

I’ve always liked Matt Damon but – as Pitt and Clooney can tell you – I have a strict “no pretty boys” policy…I don’t give them a second glance. 

(there’s a great story about a long flirtation with a much younger male model…when we finally met, I turned him away…he was stunned….why? my pretty boy whimpered? what happened?….I could barely believe it myself but the words just flew out of my mouth…dude, you are just too dumb to fuck”….)

Frost/Nixon – A Movie Review

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WOW! What a gripping movie! I mean that in the most literal sense. My son and I were clenching each other through about a third of the show. It was everybit as intense as any of my favourite thrillers.

I’ve said before that Ron Howard is one of our greatest storytellers and he does historical work brilliantly. I loved Cinderella Man. It remains one of my most beloved movies and I should be embarrassed to say that everytime I see Apollo 13, I hold my breath in case they don’t make it back safely….a personality quirk that my son says would be funny…if it wasn’t so sad.

The first I heard of this movie was when David Frost was a guest on The Daily Show. I knew it would be good because of the stellar cast and Howard and it fulfilled all of my highest expectations and even surprised me at times.

They played it as a clash of titans…and it was, with Frost the underdog who turns it around in the final play….There is nothing dry, boring or “done” about this film….SEE IT….SEE IT NOW…and watch the subtleties…..beautiful stuff.

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“Special” Interest Groups, namely those ironically involved with Intellectual Disabilities, like Tony Parsons of the Special Olympics, are up in arms over Ben Stiller’s new movie “Tropic Thunder”.

We don’t need to go there.  It’s been all over the news lately. I’m sure you’ve already heard the noise. They object to a storyline and use of the word “retard” in the film. They are picketing and calling for a boycott.

 

Nobody understands satire anymore, and to me, that is really sad. How many people are going to miss the point of my title completely?

Well drawn satire, (so clearly nothing I’ve ever written) is high art. 

Movies like Wag the Dog and Thank You for Smoking are beautiful examples. 
Does anyone else remember Peter Sellers in “Being There?”

The Colbert Report and I-kid-you-not, South Park too are hilarious, albeit oblique and heavy-handed satires.  Personally, I watch Colbert’s “The Word” in slack-jawed awe, although I often can’t stomach the anally preoccupied South Park.  It must be a girl thing. 

Hidden behind the lewd and crude however, is some very intelligent writing and I must give them due credit for that, because satire is written by the fiendishly clever.  

ken_80s_pic1.jpgI wrote this last year when Harry Potter came out….in light of the recent Bat Movie….it seemed apropos to dust it off again pour vous! Enjoy…  

  

Abracadabra

 BOX OFFICE MAGIC or SMOKE & MIRRORS

With a whopping  $44.8 million, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix has broken the all-time record for the biggest single-day box office opening in history, or something like that.

The boy wizard handily trounced the records set by both Pirates of the Caribbean and Spiderman 3 earlier this summer.

I make no quarrel with Potter’s success. I saw the movie. I liked it. This is not a movie review.

I’m thinkin’ there’s something fishy about these big budget, record-breaking  blockbusters …

Has anybody else noticed that almost every movie this year has opened with some kind of previously heretofore unheard of earth-shaking , box office shattering  success?

Transformers currently holds the record for best “Tuesday debut.”

Spiderman 3 is number one for  the “biggest opening weekend”.

But then we start measuring the season, the rating and the days of the week.

Are we still being reasonable, even as we stretch languidly into Biggest PG-13 Non-Sequel Action Movie Opening After a Full Moon While Mercury is in Retrograde-territory?

Vive La Resistance!

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Today my cockles (you know the ones….. ‘of my heart’….not to be confused with my other cockles, like the cockles of my elbow or the cockles of my foot) were seriously warmed by the Jedi Knights of The LA Times fighting their Dark Lord Sam Zell and his editorial killing machine/Galactic Journalism Death Star.

Zell took over the Chicago Tribune, Newsday and the LA Times in 2007, appointed himself CEO and promptly privatized the lot.  Apparently a “strict Zionist”, Zell borrowed a few pages from the Rupert Murdoch playbook, “How to Bully Your Friends & Alienate People” and The X-Files slogan “The Truth is Out There”….”But keep it “out there” because it’s not welcome in here”….and he has used these principles to systemically strip the LA Times of their editorial integrity and general will to live.  

In a delightfully subversive act, some employees unfurled the banner pictured above, on the LA Times parking garage last Friday. You may read a post about the exploit here.  

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Life isn’t necessarily about the days …or years… or minutes you spend in this world. It’s about what did when you were here.

When someone dies at a young age, everyone is prone to saying “He died too soon”….and I completely understand the sentiment….I really do. 

I cannot even conceive of the pain I would experience if I lost my son…..it’s beyond comprehension. But, we’ve all seen stories about people suffering tremendous injuries and living. (a woman whose husband shot her point blank, through the eye, comes to mind.) Then there are those people who die suddenly, a coincidence or odd twist of fate, they catch a stray bullet or encounter evil in a back alley somewhere…..Maybe an innocuous illness, suddenly turns fatal and they are gone.

It’s not pretty, or easy or fair, but I don’t think it’s entirely random either.

So for reasons that we, mere mortals, cannot begin to comprehend…nobody really dies “too soon.”

Like millions of other people, I was shocked when Heath Ledger died. He wasn’t just another pretty Hollywood face. This man knew his craft, took it seriously and it showed. He proved that and more when he made out with Jake Gyllenhaal in Brokeback Mountain.

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WOW!……OK….So…uhhhhhh…..went to see Vantage Point today…..while everyone was getting shot, I literally turned to my son and said, “Me next, please shoot me next”.

My vertigo was the most enjoyable part of the movie….They do still sell Steady Cams correct?..Note to directors: Having every shot franticly vibrating for 98 minutes, does not high action intensity-make….The theatre popcorn should be served up in kitschy Vantage Point barf bags.

A terminally twitchy Dennis Quaid starred as a Secret Service Agent just back to work after getting shot…(the picture above is Quaid grabbing a fellow actor on set and saying, “why is Pete Travers trying to destroy my career…why…whyWHY?”)

I’m not against the idea of fracturing the chronology when telling a story….I often do it myself….It’s an after effect of my brain injury…but it can also be used intentionally as a device…but it has to be done well…and judicously….around the 6th or 7th time the clock in this film ticked back to 12:00…I said out loud…”Awwww Shit Man…Come on….” ….that’s me…in the theatre surrounded by other people….complaining OUT LOUD….

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First, this pic was taken recently at an event in Toronto…The lovely lady in the photo is Illusionist Criss Angel…The the other gorgeous one on the right is one of my favorite people in the universe, Susan Boshcoff. I’m posting this photo without her permission. If she asks me to take it down, I will. But, I wanted to share it and I try to live by the ‘easier to ask forgiveness than permission docterine’. (Seriously, doesn’t she look great?…)

The other pic in this series is currently my desktop screensaver…because it annoys my son. You see, he’s a bit jealous…but when I asked him if he was jealous of Criss or Sue, he wasn’t entirely sure….anyway, poking my son with a stick is my responsibility as a parent…and I take it very seriously.

Now, back to our regularily scheduled program…I have a bone to pick with Criss Angel…

 

An Open Letter to Criss Angel

Dear Criss,

As a M.O.M (mother of magician), I admire what you’ve accomplished. Not only are you a phenomenal artist, but you’ve achieved something utterly amazing….You have single-handedly brought magic into popular culture and made it cool…Not since the rainbow-lovin’ Doug Henning donned his first spandex unitard, has magic been so goddamn sexy.

paris_hilton_idiot.bmp Thank you….thank you….thank YOU GOD!!!

Paris – “I ___________ therefor I am” (get it? she doesn’t actually do ANYTHING) -Hilton’s new movie “The Hottie and the Nottie”  opened this weekend on 111 screens nationwide and raked in a breathtaking $23,000. …awwww…I know what you’re thinking….these high-minded artistic movies don’t find their audience until later…sometimes they go unappreciated for years (much like myself)

Why, $23,000 is hardly enough to cover the antibiotics!

I’m sorry….I just can’t help feeling kinda smugly self-satisfied……I’ve just gained new respect for the movie-going public….

I’d like to teach the world to sing…in perfect harmony….I’d like to buy the world a coke….and keep it company…..

You know, the sad part is….that Paris Hilton will still be cast in another movie….she’ll still make millions of dollars for doing nothing…..and she’s still skinnier than I am.

bitch.

Little Hairs Tell the Story…

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58_1_daniel_day_lewis__q.jpg This photo of Daniel Day Lewis was lifted from the website of photographer Marcel Hartman.

I love this man.

I’m not into celebrity worship. I find it demeaning (see George Clooney and Brad Pitt’s Ass Pillaged by Marauding Hordes, then left feeling dirty and used)

But there is nothing sexier than pure talent…and Daniel Day Lewis has it in spades…

Do you know that I was an actor? I have actual physical pain because I miss it so much….but, I couldn’t do it….As an actor you must spend years doing really bad stuff very, very well before getting to do the good stuff….and I couldn’t live with that. I couldn’t commit to doing the stupid stuff with credibility. I know, it makes me a bad person.

I haven’t seen There Will Be Blood…but I will. We see every movie we can, sometimes 2 or 3 a week. But we are limited by where we live.

This soft-spoken British son of a Poet Laureate knocks my socks off every time. He has the type of career I most admire…not driven by the Hollywood machine, he does too few projects but his work is always heart-stopping.

alf.jpgFinally!

The only guests still willing to talk to Bill O’Reilly are creepy-looking puppets…..oh that`s not a nice thing to say about Michelle Malkin……..and 80′s TV hearthrob….Alf……

Hey! Wasn’t Dennis Miller also popular in the 80′s?

I remember when Dennis Miller was funny…..*sigh*….I miss THAT Dennis Miller….

I digress, sorry…..

Over the past several years Bill O`Reilly has been invited to debate numerous people…My personal favorites being George Clooney, Keith Olbermann and Mark Cuban. I would trade a non-esstential internal organ to watch any one of those…

But, alas….this is not to be….instead, Bill O`Reilly is debating Alf….

No, seriously….

Alf, the puppet from days of TV yore.  I`d say more, but what more could I possibly add….I don`t like to pick the low-hanging fruit.

Damn….sweeps just ain`t what they used to be.

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I don’t make the rules people….I just write about them. 

With a proverbial sea of worthy honorees to choose from, such as Kevin Federline, Dina Lohan, Paris Hilton and my own personal pharmacist (sometimes good drugs happen to good people), this gruesome twosome are going to be honored with the Peace Summit Award at the conference of Nobel Laureates in Rome this December

*sigh*

Clearly, Don Cheadle’s work in Darfur is an effort to atone for participating in this particular photo session…..(giddyup, cow-dude)

and Clooney…..well…..

Clooney’s involvement is an act of contrition for foisting this photo of Cheadle on unsuspecting, innocent viewers at his AFI Salute…..

Damnit guys, there isn’t enough therapy in the world to heal our hearts and minds….(Are you there valium? It’s me, Jules)

(my eyes…..my eyes…..it burns…..! ahhhhhhhhhh)

I’ll forgive you when you win the Nobel Peace Prize.

P.S. Congrats!

chili_peppers_naked.jpg     This post comes from the “quit yer insipid whining” pile….

So, the Red Hot Chili Peppers are suing Showtime over the title of David Duchovney’s new show Californication. You see, they had an album/song/video by that name in 1999. (read about it on TMZ) They are suing for the name and any profits the show has aquired.

First, the show is in it’s first run of it’s first season and probably hasn’t made any money….so, that’s just silly.

Second, the RHCP are not cool without Dave Navarro and Dave Navarro is not cool without Carmen Electra….what’s my point?….I don’t know…I just wanted to get that little dig in.

If this suit was in Canada they would have to prove actual harm to prevail in this lawsuit….meaning that they would have to prove that the TV show somehow stole profits/sales from the band’s song/album/video of the same name….That money made by the TV show would have been money made by the band if Showtime had never produced the TV show.

The profit ship for RHCP album of 1999 has pretty much sailed….so this is a pathetic cash grab and a vain attempt to try and weasel some post script pre-obituary career relevence for a band that’s not as cool as it used to be.

cuban_mark050517.jpg I revised my last post about the film “Redacted” to make some comments directly to Mark Cuban. They aren’t terrible comments by any stretch….I just asked him to shrug his shoulders and stand down in the face of the artistic controversy.  I may have used the phrase “grow a set” but, that’s really as far as it went…

Then I went on to other research and discovered that Bill O’Reilly has been attacking Cuban over the movie Redacted…saying Mark is putting the troops in danger and the like….Truthfully, O`Reilly is jealous….like he was of George Clooney and Keith Olbermann. You guys have money, hair and you`re single….Bill O cries himself to sleep at night wishing he was as popular as you guys….OK, may be not….maybe he has a little homo-erotic crush and the strange feelings `down there`scare him just a little….

For those of you who don’t know, I have a book called “Shitheads Say the Darndest Things – A Bill O’Reilly Quote Book”…I haven’t published it although it would probably take about 6 weeks to finish it and get it on the market.  (see the cover and description here)   

briandepalma.bmpIf a piano falls in the forest and crushes a wandering piano tuner….and no one is there to sketch it into a New Yorker cartoon…is it still funny?…or, as the very act of observation alters what is being observed…is the ironic rendered ironic, merely by our observation.

Or does irony stand alone…

Personally, I like to think of irony like Sanata Claus….it lives in our hearts and delivers us unexpected gifts occasionally….when we have been very good girls and boys.  We don’t always recognize immediately the value of these unexpected gems that fall into our lives….But, eventually…even the footless man must admit he appreciates those wooly socks you got him….When life hands you lemons….make chicken salad.

Brian DePalma’s new movie has been redacted due to a montage of dead soldiers he had featured….I’ll let you read about it here….yes, because I’m totally lazy. (Not so much lazy as busy doing stuff…like The Book of Larry that’s due in January….producing the talk show…writing a new radio spot….working for the United Way….working for my old clients as marketing/media liason…..and the new job with Futura….and of course, trying to keep you blog readers hap-hap-happy)

Oscar Season Begins…

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david_copperfield.jpgFine! I take it back….David Copperfield really is creepy. 

I have defended him. I’ve said we need to ‘Give Copperfield a Break’…But, TMZ uncovered this instructional document from Copperfield’s show complete with instructions on how to seperate prospective prey from the herd and what appear to be some pretty lame code words….You know, I can’t even make this funny…it’s just freakin’ weird.  I’m entirely dumbstruck.

Since I can’t be funny about this….I’ll let Copperfield’s hair be hilarious for me…..remember when he made the Statue of Liberty disappear?…well, I think I know where he stashed it…..That is one suspicious lid he’s sportin’! 

Now, to be fair….and as icky as it may seem….this behaviour is no different from rock bands who have roadies select girls pulled from the audience to ‘party’ with the band after a concert…It’s precisely the same thing. And those chicks know exactly what/who they are doing and trust me, they know they aren’t boarding the tour bus for tea biscuits and a rousing game of Scrabble.

If some chick with stars in her eyes, was willing to overlook the erratic overgrowth above his….and decided to head to an island with a man they barely know…unless, he used force, she must take some responsibility….if he used force, all bets are off. But my original argument about that remains unchanged. (See link above)

brad_pitt_george_clooney.jpgMadam Taussaud’s Wax Museum is a little slow on the uptake.  To promte the release of Ocean’s 13 on DVD, she (I know the actually “she” has died…don’t get all anal about it)  moved the wax statues of George and Brad to a display where the fans were all too real and could gain access to the eerily lifelike effigies.  Brad Pitt’s bum was destroyed by excessive pinching and George Clooney’s cheeks were covered with lipstick. 

The fans left satisfied but sadly, the wax celebrities learned the hard way that neither fame nor beauty can make them respect you in the morning….*sniff*

Ladies listen up….

You do us all a great disservice behaving this way. Do you think men are in the north wing feeling up wax statues of Jenna Jameson or Pamela Anderson?….NO! They are not….They buy her vagina replicated in latex and keep it under their pillow and have secret, secret sex with it like normal people. 

If you continue to carry on like idiots…weeping with outstretched arms behind the rope line outside of their hotels, sending them love poems written in blood and sexually assaulting their wax statues….It’s embarrassing for women everywhere and a little scary for the stars.

sumner-redstone.bmpDOH!  In a tragic, yet nonetheless HILARIOUS gaff, Sumner Redstone’s Mom & Pop Movie Shop/Hollywood Deathstar/Galactic Media Empire, announced that revenue and profits are up this year, with revenues over $3.7 billion (with a ‘B’)….”Yippee!” Who knew you could make money in Hollywood?

The announcement is rendered somewhat ironic however, due to the very public contention of the movie studios that profits are down and the future of new media remains uncertain….These considerations being key to their stance that has lead to the imminent strike of the Writers Guild….basically, they are broadcasting simultaneous and contradictory messages….Timing…as they say…is EVERYTHING!

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Britney Spears’ mother Lynn is writing a parenting book….wow….’nuff said….

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I don’t know if he’s guilt or innocent, but I do think David Copperfield is being treated unfairly.

The alleged victim remains unnamed and her story remains untold but, the Feds have been leaking details early in this investigation and it’s not right.

Say what you will about the guy….

He’s pompus, weird, a little creepy…but he’s a magician and they cultivate their own caricature and persona.  It doesn’t mean he’s a bad guy.

Can anybody name a famous magician that didn’t come off as slightly odd?

Anyone remember Doug Henning’s rainbow spandex?  David Blaine’s sullen, brooding man of mystery shtick disguises a lack of personal charisma. Which is a good choice for him….keeps him mysterious….

 Criss Angel…..good-god-damn…don’t get me started on Criss Angel…cute as Hell, sexy, charisma like crazy….but he started talking too much…and he must have fired the stylist that re-tooled his image for the first year of his show…now it’s bad hair, bad marriage…too much exposure, suddenly his show is laying down some serious hack-magic and it’s showing…..I don’t usually believe that familiarity breeds contempt but we don’t worry about missing his show anymore….we used to tape and re-watch everything he did.  Too much exposure baby! Bad for magicians…

glenbeck3.jpgAt least Nero only fiddled while Rome burned while Glen …someone please explain why this guy still has a job…..Beck danced a jig on the charred and still burning remains of Malibu beach, declaring….I shit-you-not…”I think there is a handful of people who hate America. Unfortunately for them, a lot of them are losing their homes in a forest fire today.” Beck continued: “There are a few people that hate America. But I don’t think the Democrats are those. I think there are those posing as Democrats that are like that.” Geez…..that last part was uncharacteristically generous of him….This is the juvinile rhetoric that really must be ignored, lest it do more damage….that’s why I draw attention to it here….the irony is not lost on me I assure you!   There are very few people who actually ‘HATE’ America….disagreeing with someone or something is not a sign of hatred…It’s a sign of committment, passion and concern. Somewhere between games of hopscotch and pulling pigtails, everyone learns that people may disagree and still be capable of civil behaviour.  Beck and others of his ilk show a pathological inability to empathize…..nobody who has been driven from their home tonight….nobody who is suffering a great loss…has it coming.

35297691_richardharris.jpg  JK Rowling revealed the shocking news that Dumbledore, the famed and beloved Headmaster of the harry Potter series is gay, at the International Author’s Festival today. I don’t know why…but I couldn’t be happier.  Pointy hats, heeled shoes and elaborate flowing robes aside…I never would have guessed that Dumbledore was homosexual. Of course, these stories were not about sexuality so the subject wouldn’t have come up….we never would have known, had the question not been posed…”Did Dumbledore ever find true love?”  I was sad to hear the answer….Gay men are always so hard on each other…uhmm…pun not intended but certainly aknowledged.

I’ve always been madly attracted to Richard Harris…….stop looking at me like that….At times, he resembles the great love of my life….Ironically, it too ended in a fierce battle between the forces of good and evil….guess which side I was on……..WRONG!

I don’t care what he says….he does NOT have a magic wand. …and that’s all I can say about that….

I’m on pins and needles waiting for the Conservative Right to freak out over this……Rowling is richer than the Queen now….what does she care? God Bless Her! It’s not like the books featured any hot wizard on wizard action….(I have that Joe Cocker song ‘You Can Leave Your Hat On’ playing in my head) 

david_copperfield.jpg No, seriously…12 FBI agents raided David Copperfield’s Vegas warehouse yesterday, but refused to comment on the ongoing case.  The warehouse, which the magician pretentiously refers to as the ”International Museum & Library of the Conjuring Arts”, contained, among other things, $2 million dollars in cash.  However, $2 mil in small bills does not a museum-make…..so I’m sure the tour groups must be bitterly disappointed. 

I’m almost certain that there is no federal law against strapping a midget to your back and awkwardly posing for photographs, but I suggest you run out immediately and try it for yourself…..and for godssakes, please remember to be politically correct….It’s called ’DUCT’ Tape NOT ‘DUCK’ Tape!

Unfortuately, there is no law banning this hairstyle either….So, that leaves only one remaining option for the FBI’s investigation…. 

David Copperfield’s eyebrows are under investigation for committing crimes against his face.

britney_spears300.jpgBut loses custody of kidlettes to ex-hubby Federline . Now I know I said I wasn’t going to pick the low-hanging fruit earlier….but, this was worthy of comment because of personal experience….and I must give her credit….she’s had two babies…her fruit seems to have faired remarkably well.

Seriously though….

It’s OK to feel bad for her but, it’s a good thing…truly. She needs the motivation to get her act together and the kids need a stable environment.  read about it on TMZ  Lot’s of people are crying foul for Spears….well they used to be anyway. But, she failed to comply with every one of the judges orders including submitting for drug testing and parenting classes. She knew what she had to do to keep her kids and she didn’t do it. That buck stops here for me. 

I personally called up Children’s Services 15 years ago and gave them my 6 month old son. I told them not to give him back unless I proved that I could be a good mother. I handed him over and went to rehab. Nobody in my family, none of my friends supported me….I was there over Christmas, New Years and my birthday….I was absolutely alone and didn’t know if I’d get my son back.  The other ‘residents’ wanted to kill me…and I don’t mean figuratively…I mean literally dragged me out of the bathtub by my hair to confront a group of them in the kitchen in the middle of the night…dripping wet and clutching a bar of soap in my hand.

0731simpson.jpgMaxim.com posted this list of OJ rhymes, related to the Vegas crimes….see what I did there?

OK, they aren’t perfect or brilliant, but neither am I.

It’s been a rhyme-y kinda week…so, here it goes….

“If the items are mine, then what is the crime?”

“If you plunder my riches, I might have to kill some white bitches.”

“If I’m forced to pay millions for another attorney, someone’s leaving here on a gurney.”

“If you take my memorabilia, I might just have to killia.”

“If I was part of that armed raid, you know someone would’ve ended up slayed.”

“If the jersey says ‘Juice,’ the sentence must be reduced.” “If I can get off for murder, this trial should go no further.”

“If the jersey doesn’t fit, I’ve just gotten too fat for it.”

“If the footballs bore my name, then I can’t be to blame.”

“If you aren’t this autograph’s rightful owner, I’ve got another pair of Isotoners.”

“If you make a movie about Fred Goldman, he should be played by Gary Oldman.”

“If the trophy says “Simpson,” you’ll get a double dose of this pimpin’.”

naomi_camplbell_sanitationdress.jpg 

Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful…Hate me because I’m a raging bitch. Honestly, the reason I posted this article was the final line, which I happily use as my title here…..clever…literary….delightful….much like Naomi Campbell herself!   HA!…gotcha…..see what I did there?…..I made a little joke.

I want to know why the crazy, evil, bitchy, unstable, difficult to deal with, drug addicted, unreliable people get to have the fame and money…..

Seriously, why do THESE people get the work? Are there no decent, people with work and personal ethics CAPABLE of acting or modelling or singing???  Hell, these jokers don’t even have to sing…They LIP-SYNC! ….Are the only truly BEAUTIFUL people….beautiful enough for modelling clothes….the ones who are UGLY inside?  I’m sad now….Naomi Campbell makes me sad. Don’t hate me because I’m sad. Hate me because I’m poor.

news_n8673409777.jpg Sharpen your pencils people, I’m about to tell you a powerful secret…..

For those of you who don’t know (which would be all of you) I’m a marketing consultant. I prefer the title ‘guru’ but, it doesn’t look as pretty on my business cards.

There’s a wonderful little book called The 22 Immutable Laws of Marketing and I make my clients buy and read it….It’s mandatory homework. I didn’t write it. I don’t get a piece of the action…I’m only a pusher. My copy is long gone so, it’s not in front of me, but I’m going to paraphrase the crucial concepts to make my point.  I just wanted to give credit where credit is due….It`s a wonderful book to keep in mind when you are starting a new business…not AFTER you`ve launched…I mean BEFORE…when you are determining your business model, competitive analysis etc…Can you believe I`m pushing it like this (my question mark is a capital `E` with an accent right now so, forgive) That book changed the way I look at business.

 Here it goes…

cawnrestcarrs72dcapx1svqcafxhrnzcab78aqucab3ue2mcaktxj2ccapej67jcaoun0rgca0k88socan53×7cca1g1hwjca6ab2ulcavkmw53capy5dljca13mrwocakyqpvlcagpio8w.jpgI was prepared to say that most jokes are not entirely limited to a single comedien, especially with current affairs. But, then I clicked through to the article and this is what presented itself:  “Cenk Uygur of Air America‘s morning show “The Young Turks” insisted on his program Wednesday that Colbert used his joke on Comedy Central’s “The Colbert Report.”Uygur posted a video on YouTube comparing his joke — which he claims he first told on his Sept. 7 radio program — with a segment that aired on “The Colbert Report” four days later.

In both jokes, Uygur and Colbert suggest that the Republican presidential candidates sounded like Klingons from “Star Trek” while speaking about the value of honor.”

First, I’d like to congratulate Uyger on his new-found pop culture relevancy….Colbert is probably one of the most influential media figures in the country. He can steal from me anytime….not just jokes either….my car….my shoes…..my watch…..my dog….My identity…(wucka-wucka)

Second, I’d like to say….”Klingons?…..REALLY???……you want to go with that, do you?…..*sigh*……?!”

I think what’s bothering me here is that I’m pretty sure that I can’t mock them with references to their mother’s basements and their virginity….

david_duchovny_01.jpg …Try ….   EVERYTHING! 

OH DUUUUUUUDE……SERIOUSLY……

You’re killin’ me here.

I was looking for a pic to put with the story below and found this.

I stand by David Duchovny’s hotness…but, this picture really calls my judgement into question.

He looks characteristically pouty albeit a little slippery and scared…

David, baby….I can’t defend you in the shiny pants….but, to be fair…it takes a man very secure in his masculinity to don spandex and perch like that….I’ll spare you the obvious ‘ball’ jokes.

david_duchovnyman.jpg

(AHHHHHH…that’s more like it)

It’s a live action half hour show about an insanely sexy, though self destructive, navel-gazing, has-been author who has lots of sex and dirty talk, while doin’ drugs and pining after his ex…It seems oddly inappropriate for the Cartoon Network…but who am I to judge?

Nudity, cocaine and Cheerios are every bit as wholesome as the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Wait, I might be confused….Californication is on Showtime not the Cartoon Network….The half hour pilot for the Cartoon Network is about a junior highschool student that turns his school AV club into a hard-hitting newscast…….come to think of it, I don’t think there will be much nudity of the nippular variety,  so….this isn’t really very newsworthy…(Hollywood Reporter)

But, Californication is loads of fun as Showtime makes another slick and pretty effort to glamorize drugs, nudity and in an effort to “out HBO” HBO, they trot out the “C” word on occasion. It’ll win awards for sure.  

oj_simpson_narrowweb__300×4720-781304.jpgNothing brightens my day like a good dose of irony.

The night before he was arrested in his Las Vegas hotel suite for armed robbery and related charges …OJ Simpson was caught on camera by TMZ whistling “If I Only Had a Brain” from The Wizard of Oz.  It’s only appropriate since it’s too late for him to ask for some courage or a heart. Follow this breaking story at TMZ

naomi-vogue.bmpWell too bad baby because you’ve got it! 

It seems the reason she doesn’t appear on some magazine covers has nothing to do with her penchant for throwing cellphones and sharp objects at employees — and it’s certainly not because she has a notoriously bad attitude — It’s because she’s black. (no seriously…she said this)

Naomi has joined with a number of other supermodels and black industry officials to stage rallies aimed at putting pressure on the fashion industry to …..oh whatever….for crissakes…they are SUPERMODELS….

I must admit, I had no idea they were so oppressed….I mean, Naomi Campbell says ….well…it’s not that she doesn’t still get on the cover of Vogue…But she must take “extraordinary measures”. 

I know what she means…I personally would have to grow another foot or so. (In height not an actual foot – that would just be weird), lose most of my body weight and become actually attractive.

Then beat out millions of other women who’ve won the genetic lottery and spend my days throwing temper tantrums and beating my subordinates — all for millions and millions of dollars.

I suggest everybody forget about the refugees in Darfur and put their support behind the SUPERMODELS who really need it.  

2007-09-10-kathyjesus.jpg

First, my heartfelt congratulations to Kathy Griffin for her Emmy win….from one redhead to another….She has been an under-rated comedien for too long.

Now, there’s a dust-up because she said “Suck It Jesus”… in her thank you speech. 

Here’s the deal people….you are NOT constitutionally protected against being offended or having your feelings hurt. Free speech is not FREE if there are limits placed on it. We must defend ….adamantly defend the rights of people to say things we hate…to say things that make our blood boil and our stomach turn. You equally have the right to disagree.

I’m so sick of people telling us what we can and cannot think based on their own limited perspective and system of beliefs….This is not Tripoli for fucksakes! America is out spreading ‘freedom’ in the Middle East….while shredding the Bill of Rights at home….Kathy Griffin can say anything she bloody well wants to — and so can you.

If you don’t think she should be able to….or if you think there should be government limitations on who says what, where and when…then ask yourself this: Are you too weak to handle living with FREEDOM? 

sharon-stone-zombie-1.jpg  *sigh*…Why are Janet Jacksons nipples  still making headlines? If I knew I could get 3 years worth of international headlines by exposing one of mine…well….let’s just say, I’d be whipping them out every once in awhile. It’d be well worth the fine….for me anyway. There wouldn’t be enough therapy in the world for you however…

Ironically, even with the $550,000 indecency fine levied against CBS….Janet Jackson does not have the most expensive breasts in history. That honour is reserved for Sharon Stone’s nipples. They co-starred with Sharon in the ill-conceived film, Basic Instinct 2. It’s hard to imagine making a movie that bad by accident…..Anyway, Stone’s nipples gave a stellar performance and were robbed of the Oscar I tell ya…ROBBED!

On the flipside, Elizibeth Berkley’s nipples ruined her career. Speaking of bad movies; after the Showgirls fiasco, Berkley’s bright hollywood – Saved By the Bell – light was snuffed out by her nude foray into big budget pictures. While Gina Gershon’s career, nipples and all, has remained in tact.

I guess some breasts have more marketability than others.

“It’s pronounced Ver-sach-ee”

letterman.jpg Patience or discipline? David Letterman gave a wonderful interview to Oprah today. I loved it. He was hilarious as usual…He never replied to the copy of my book I sent him…but I don’t hold grudges…

Speaking of his son, he asked about the issue of patience versus discipline and since I have had a somewhat successful experience as a Mom…(my 15 yr old and I have not had a fight or need to discipline in over 8 yrs) I wanted to answer that question. I assume he reads this site…har har har…

It’s both. You make your expectations clear BEFORE you enter a situation and lay out the consequences…then if the worst happens, you execute the consequences calmly…patiently…and explain that HE has choices and power over those choices and next time he can choose differently…this choice had this consequence…if you want different results you have to make different choices…You do NOT react emotionally…It’s not about you….it’s about empowering them to be responsible for their actions both good and bad.

I swear to you…I did a good job. My son is sitting ten feet from me right now and he is the best person I’ve ever had the privelege to know.

“WOO HOO I’m Pretty!!!”

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clooney_woohoo.jpgOK, this is totally serious… Hailed for limitless talent, Clooney given French cultural honor”…

I love him…I really do. I begrudge the man nothing…He deserves his success and his life…He should do every single 22 yr old model he can get his hands on….But “LIMITLESS” talent? I’m a big fan and I have real trouble with the word ‘limitless’….I mean, did they not see Batman & Robin?…Dusk Till Dawn?…Did he win an Oscar for best performance by a neck tatoo or a pair of rubber nipples? …and don’t get me started on The Peacekeeper…eeeek!

Granted it’s France….But given a choice between Jerry Lewis or George Clooney…I’ll pick Brad Pitt.
I kid because I love….