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Only God knows why….traffic to this old post from 3yrs ago is way up this week…So let me help you out and repost it in a convenient location:

It was origonally called “Here Kitty-Kitty…Feeding Time on Parliament Hill”

 

In case you have forgotten,  I am a humour writer and I’m not even half-bad, at that…but I haven’t written anything funny for several months because I’ve been at the bottom of a depressive hole.

Sorry about that, it’s not your fault….

I’ve done what I could to keep you entertained with photos and videos etc…but it’s getting to be so long since I wrote anything even remotely funny, that I am putting links here to some old posts to remind you of why you started coming to CanadaWry to begin with…

Enjoy!

Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Words

On Sex and Bicycles

Take Two Meat and Call Me in the Morning

You Know It’s Good When…

OMG my posts keep disappearing…good ones too

Croc of Science, a Few Words About Dogs and Husbands what the HELL!!!

A present for my Twitter friend @Koursey

10 Things Your Dog Would Never Do… 

1.    Tell you your ass looks fat in those jeans

2.    Ask you to wear a dog collar and call him “master”

3.    Rent a video camera and ask you to tape yourself scratching his tummy

4.    Leave you for a younger, prettier owner

5.    Fart and blame it on your husband 

But Your Dog Would Also Never…

6.    Buy you jewellery

7.    Notice that you changed your hair

8.    Bring you flowers “just because”

9.    Kiss that sweet spot at the nape of your neck

10.  Join you for a candlelit bath… 
(and if he does….well….that would be weird and you should both seek professional help immediately….In fact, don’t even towel off first)

Bad Dogs/Bad Husbands…          

          A bad dog jumps on your mother
          A bad husband licks her face           

          A bad dog chews your bra
          A bad husband wears it
          A really bad husband buys his own                     

          A bad dog pees on your floor
          A bad husband pees on your Ficus
          A really bad husband comes home drunk and pees in the laundry hamper                    

          A bad dog humps the furniture
          A bad husband humps his secretary           

          A bad dog ‘makes’ in the hallway
          A bad husband makes crystal meth in the storm cellar                    

          A bad dog doesn’t understand the word “stay”
          Neither does a bad husband                     

          A bad dog sleeps with your sister
          A bad husband sleeps with your sister
          A REALLY bad husband sleeps with your sister’s accountant ‘Fred’                     

          A bad dog chases the neighbours’ children
          A bad husband catches them
          A really bad husband bites them                    

          A bad dog chases cars
          A bad husband trades your car for a samurai sword and the Season 3
          Directors Cut of Battlestar Galactica
          A really bad husband trades it for an ounce of weed and Season 2                    

          A bad dog brings home dead rabbits and buries them in your garden
          A bad husband brings home dead “business associates” and buries
          them under the patio                     

          A bad dog eats your shoes
          A bad husband says he’d rather eat your shoes than your meatloaf
          A really bad husband proves it                     

          A bad dog jumps on you when you are trying to sleep
          A bad husband jumps on you when you are trying to sleep
          A really bad husband jumps on your sister when she’s trying to sleep
          A really, really bad husband jumps on your sister’s accountant “Fred” when
          he’s trying to sleep          

          A good dog waits patiently outside the store while you go shopping
          A good husband holds your purse 

10 Tips for a Happy Husband…

1.    Let them off the leash…if your bond is strong…he’ll come back when you call

2.    Expect the best…If you expect the worst, that’s what you’ll receive…
     Set your expectations HIGH and they will happily rise to meet them.

3.    If you don’t keep them stimulated, they will find ways to get into trouble

4.    They need opportunities to socialize with their own species….
     otherwise, you will thwart their natural instincts.

5.    They need a few special toys that are theirs to play with

6.    Nagging doesn’t work…sit, sit, sit, sit…..stay, stay, stay, stay…
     take out the garbage…put the seat down….you never take me
     anywhere….stop sleeping with my sister’s accountant
     ……they just tune you out.

7.    They don’t naturally speak your language….so learn to speak theirs.

8.    Recognize good behaviour … reward it with your enthusiasm

9.    The relationship will require time, effort and attention…
      but the results are worth it

10.  Don’t let them chew tennis balls… it’s really bad for their teeth 

 (now watch me try and stretch this piece to my requisite 1000 words…)

Maybe you should stop reading here…..
You know me….not for the faint-of-heart….
Some of you are going to *gasp* and say “OMG how could she write that”….
forgetting momentarily that that is EXACTLY what I do for a living.

 Now, in closing, for all you Liberal, dyed-in-the-wool sticklers out there…

Let me please clarify that I have nothing against men who sleep with other men:
My best friend is a man who sleeps with other men. 

Nor am I vexed, even slightly, by men who choose to have sex with accountants.I am slightly vexed by the notion that accountants have sex.
But if they didn’t, all the math camps and chess clubs would shut down, crippling the math and chess based economies.

This piece was not a broad-based social statement.
It’s not even a narrowly-based social statement.
It was just little old me, being funny and exploiting a few commonly
recognized social phobias.

It’s not judgemental to surmise that a man who sleeps with your sister’s
accountant is a bad husband.  – It’s accurate.

A husband who sleeps with your sister isn’t being true to you: 
A man who sleeps with “Fred”, the accountant, is certainly not being true to you,
But, even worse than that, he isn’t being true to himself.

The only true “grey area” is the bra-issue.

I’m certain that many cross-dressers are wonderful husbands.
If you like to wear frilly-things…well….If I don’t have to look…
then I certainly don’t have to judge. 

 

While I am at it, let me dispel another myth…lest you be misled and think me a gold-digging jewellery whore because of what I wrote in the list of other things your dog would never do…I was just trying to be relatable.

 I have never received jewellery as a gift from a man and it’s not important to me that I do.

I don’t even wear jewellery.

Men never buy me presents.

After 15 years, Mike finally bought me a Christmas
present in our final year together.

I can’t say that it was the Christmas present that made me finally leave.

It may have been his date with another girl on my birthday.

Or the fact that when the date started going sideways, he called me to come over to his house and run interference….which I must say goes above and beyond the call of girlfriend duty.

Or maybe it’s simply that I actually went.

What was that about EXPECTATIONS again?

Either way….

After 15 years, nothing says “Thanks for all the blow jobs”
like a pair of mittens for Christmas.

Now if you will excuse me…

I have my therapist on the other line.
The candles are burning unattended.
And my Saint Bernard is waiting for me in the tub.

 (crap …that’s a LOT of vamping and I’m still 60 words short) 

Bud Light commercial….and the reason I don’t work in an office.
…well….not really.

Wow, Harper does a great job in this sketch….why…he seems so life-like…almost HEW-MON…HU-mon…Heman…HUMAN…yes, that’s it…Harper seems nearly human here…

Ahhhh, one of our all time favourites. CBC’s Rick Mercer, think of him as our Jon Stewart, visits PM Martin at 24 Sussex…think of it as our White House…and …well, watch it and see. One of the things I love about my country…..you would never see a US president doing this. (hee hee)

The Daves I Know – Kids In The Hall

xklzx | MySpace Video

No doubt a response to Bill O’Reilly (and others) contention that once gay marriage is legalized…then people will start having sex with ducks…I don’t make this shit up people, honest to god

I’m pretty sure that I don’t like The Office….although, if it’s on…I am compelled by some unknown force to watch it. It hurts…it’s upsetting…I get a littly dizzy and I usually throw-up a little…but I can’t help myself. I keep on watching…

BTW, the whole Jim & Pam storyline was handled beautifully, brilliantly….just the best ever love story on TV.

And…no it doesn’t hurt that John Krasinski is cute as a bug either (if I cared, even a little bit, I’d google the spelling on his name)

Here’s a video from our friends at The Office

Leave to the neo-conservative movement the careful consideration and vetting savvy to name themselves after a sex act – likely illegal in several states (oral sex is considered sodomy) (Update: Sodomy was illegal in most of the united states until 2003, when the laws were nullified by the Supreme Court)

If you go back and read my piece from last year called “A Few Words About Sex, How’s Your Latin” I also point out how ironic it is, that neo-cons while promoting abstinence programs and creepy purity rings/rituals…seem oblivious to the fact that their children are engaging in oral and anal sex to preserve their virtues…

You are what you hate/fear, right?

This, my poor dear, misguided shmucks…

is TEABAGGING…

Poster Paints & Bristol Board $12

Book of Hateful Slogans $29.95

Righteous indignation laced with ignorance …Priceless

(photo links to Larry Halstead’s blog)

I used to think that the only woman I would change teams for was Angelina Jolie (and *sigh* if I had to do Brad too…well, that’s a cross I’m willing to bear)

But, after watching this, I’m pretty turned on by Rachel Maddow *LOL*

I’m just sayin’ smart is good….very, very good.

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

Too cute!

Courtesy of TMZ….I’m impressed.

 

 

There’s a million stories in the Naked City, and most of them were written with words.

That’s right, words – those tidy little packages of sound and air that give our lives context and meaning…

The hard and soft tones we rely on every day to share our dreams, order lunch and emotionally cripple our children.

Read more

I don’t know exactly what has happened to me lately..but I just LOVE the Muppets and love posting these clips…please to enjoy…

A beee–aa–uuuuu—tiful video on Youtube about my personal hero, Jim Henson…If nothing else, watch the first part…It’s just so worth it!

 

click thumbnail

Here’s a solution! While I am sullen and miserable…let’s laugh at stuff other people write. This is a cute piece. I didn’t wet myself or anything but, I liked it.

http://badnewsfromouterspace.blogspot.com/2010/01/pope-as-movie-reviewer.html

Please scroll down to some of the old pieces here and remember that I used to be pretty f’in hilarious…

This is a wonderfully funny speech by Carrie Fisher at George Lucas’s AFI Salute. Please..to enjoy…

I’m having trouble writing right now because I’m really depressed and struggling…This is my way of keeping you engaged until I find myself again.

 This is Conan O’Brien’s letter…I think he did a fine job. As an editor, there is very little I would quibble over! You and I both know how important my opinion is to Mr. Obrien….So I’m sure this will be a huge relief for him. (hey! he’s not the only one who can be funny)

People of Earth:

In the last few days, I’ve been getting a lot of sympathy calls, and I want to start by making it clear that no one should waste a second feeling sorry for me. For 17 years, I’ve been getting paid to do what I love most and, in a world with real problems, I’ve been absurdly lucky. That said, I’ve been suddenly put in a very public predicament and my bosses are demanding an immediate decision. . Read more

I saw this last year at the gym and bonded with a fellow eliptical rider when we were both laughing so hard that neither of us could keep exercising…and just listen to him too…”I danced my ass off!”…it’s frickin adorable! I must admit, I don’t actually weep when I see it now…but the first time I saw it, I totally fell apart…I wish the same for you!

Did anybody else notice that she said “size 10″…today in the size 0 = world, that would be considered fat. Not relevant, just an observation.

Words are powerful tools…

Words can, quite literally, change the world.

Well chosen words can inspire the masses,

Topple empires …..

and make women swoon.

That’s right -

SWOON.

Note the phrase – “well chosen”  here…it’s important to make the distinction. Read more

An instant classic. My appreciation to CNN’s Jack Gray for the Tweet! You know, the first Twitter message I sent out was that I wished I could hire Morgan Freeman to follow me around and narrate my life…Now I realize that Christopher Walkin would probably be PERFECT for the job…could you imagine?

On Sex & Bicycles

 

 

 

Have you ever gone so long without sex that you started wondering if anything has changed?

It’s probably just me, but after eight years, (nine now btw) I imagine myself finally having the uhhhh…”opportunity”, and because I’ve been out of the sexual loop so long, the whole thing suddenly goes terribly and embarrassingly awry.

Think about it….(but not too hard please)

There I’d be…I think I’m hot….I think everything is going well and my partner suddenly stops me and says, ”Uhmmmmmm…Gee Jules, people don’t really do that anymore….”

I mean GOD!…

I’d be so embarrassed…standing there in my Hamburglar Costume, holding those jumper cables… Read more

This is a re-write on the column from Feb 1st…

 

I am a woman on the edge.

I smoke a pack a day between 9:00pm and 9:17pm. 

I think Animal Crackers are a main course and I run with scissors every chance I get.  

 My pet peeves are salad and longevity. Read more

How do advertisers know that their campaigns are working?

What highly technical, super-secret metrics do they use track your spending and lifestyle habits???

Is it that Points Card you use that tells them you suffer from flaky scalp and athletes foot? How do they know you like corned beef sandwiches at midnight; Which you share with your cat “Hebert” (pronounced eeee-bear) ….The one who knows how to poop in the toilet but does it in your purse ??? (OMG I had a boyfriend like that once!)

Is it the Visa Folks who are selling-out your deep, dark secrets?

…or is it those pug-faced weasel-retards over at Mastercard? (and I mean that in the nicest possible way) Read more

Oh Johnny Honey….Johnny Depp…..you beautiful bastard.  

Please forgive me for what I am about to say.  You KNOW how much I love you….

But Matt Damon may actually be the greatest actor of my generation….of OUR generation.

No…..shhhhhhhh……it’s OK Johnny…shhhhhhhh….it’s OK……OK-baby….it’ll be fine.

You are still OH sooooooo talented….and cooooooool

I’ve always liked Matt Damon but – as Pitt and Clooney can tell you – I have a strict “no pretty boys” policy…I don’t give them a second glance. 

(there’s a great story about a long flirtation with a much younger male model…when we finally met, I turned him away…he was stunned….why? my pretty boy whimpered? what happened?….I could barely believe it myself but the words just flew out of my mouth…dude, you are just too dumb to fuck”….) Read more

Yes…it’s Thanksgiving….
that special day when families gather around the table to thank god for the other 364 days of the year when they can pretend they were orphaned years ago.

I love turkey. I also love mashed potatoes and stuffing …and corn niblets ….and gravy….I am also quite a fan of lemon meringue pie.

But I don’t love any of those things enough to subject myself to spending time with my family to get them….

Maybe….just may-beeee…..if Thanksgiving involved turkey, stuffing, pie and something extraordinary like HEROIN and giant piles of CASH….I might be enticed to brave my mother’s thin lipped smiles and air kisses….to get the goodies…. Read more

Despite my best efforts, someone managed to snap a pic of me
during a break at the Brad Pattison seminar in Toronto last Saturday….

 

 Now you know why I felt so sexy all day!

Listen people,

I love you.

You know I do and maybe I don’t always show it….

I could bring you flowers occasionally….take you out to dinner….kiss you like I really, really mean it.

But, sometimes life and fleeting bouts of rational thought  get in the way…

Just remember I love you as much as one person could possibly love a large group of people I’ve never met that share a common interest…

You know, like the large groups found in any Bingo Hall, drunk tank or holding cell.

I love you all…THAT MUCH!

Just wait till I plant one on ya’…then you’ll know…

But there comes a time when you’ve got to throw in that proverbial towel.

Know when to say “when”…

(I actually spelled that wrong and it came out “wen”….so cute! Hi Wen!!)

I have watched you all try really hard to engage “He who must not be named” positively…

I’ve read notes from people trying to – from a place of genuine compassion – figure out the f*ck is wrong with that guy….guessing at various mental diseases and defects.

You have done the best you can to make lemonade from the lemons Lacie5 has given you…

Some people are just plain sour.

String some garlic around your necks and fashion a crucifix out of breadsticks and scotch tape because that bloodsucker is not going anywhere.

I can totally see his response to this in my head…”you lack…blah blah blah….ability to discourse….blah blah blah….(insert me rolling my eyes here)….you are rubber and I’m glue…blah blah blah” It’s old and frankly quite boring.

He gets his jollies creating conflict….

I’ve said before that Lacie5 needs to look in the mirror and ask himself what he gains from seeking out combat over Brad Pattison night after sleepless night…(I forgot that vampires don’t have a reflection)

Yup that’s right  Lacie5….I just called you a name. It’s clearly because I lack your superior intellect and morality.But ya know what?

I’m OK with that.

This is not driven by a desire for debate or intelligent “discourse”….

He appears to fancy himself the impartial observer…but, this level of engagement screams OBSESSION…

Lacie5 may just be Brad’s number one FAN…insomuch as the word FAN comes from FANATIC.

For his mental health and your own, stop engaging him.

If you love something, set it free….then lock the door as quickly as possible.If it comes back, call the authorities.  

Now, as for Stacey2002….

That is a different animal all together.

I honestly don’t get that behaviour.

It’s not about your right to disagree or express your dissent.

That is CLEARLY acceptable.

But, for Goddsakes grow a pair.

If you disagree stand up and say so….in your own voice….with your own name.

This is who I am and this is what I believe is right.

THAT – I can respect.

That is something we can all respect.

But, running around behind someone’s back and slandering them is not only two faced but kinda immature.

I don’t know how old you are, but I am wondering if you might be quite young still and impressionable…

Maybe you change your point of view based on who the audience is, not because you are spineless but you just haven’t developed one yet.

And that may be difficult to hear….

But I’m giving you a generous gift here.

I’m offering you the opportunity to say, “I’m young and I haven’t figured this out yet…but I get it now

I admit I haven’t read the Slice Blog in months and months,
but ending every contentious post with “PEACE” is just disingenuous….

If you are going to kick someone in the shins, own it and kick him in the shins….doing it and saying OOPS! Then doing it again…doesn’t make it any less egregious….

(OMG I think I made a Britney Spears reference…I have to go wash my brain out with lye) 

Finally to Brad,

You inspire people…sometimes they like it, sometimes they don’t.

Inspiration isn’t a beautiful thing…It’s like childbirth….

We all say “Oh it’s beautiful”..

But it’s not….When you are right in the midst of it..It’s messy and ugly.

It’s bloody and there’s screaming and (in my case) a lot of biting involved.

Inspiration stirs us at our deepest level….in our core.

You want to exact a change in the way people live and relate to their dogs…

If it wasn’t powerful…

If it wasn’t important…

And if it wasn’t working….

You would not be a target and we wouldn’t be having this conversation…

What a gift…what a blessing…what an awesome responsibility.

You have the power to move mountains.

So few posess both the ability and the opportunity….

What more could one man desire in this world?

Jules. 

P.S.
That’s right…I’m not going to the seminar because I bought shoes!
Yes…SHOES…the kind you wear on your feet….

And speaking as someone who wore flip flops all winter ….I`m glad I bought shoes…because they arrived today and they are SEXY…they look sexy and they smell sexy and they make sexy little noises when I walk….
.and I feel sexy when I wear them….and I couldn`t afford it and it was a huge mistake….and I won`t eat for days….But ya know what???

I don’t care.

I am going to sleep with my new shoes….and you can`t stop me.

But I`m sorry I`ll miss seeing you all in person. It would have been nice J

And it’s highly unlikely that I would have tried to “plant one”on any of you….

But you may have tried to plant one on me….

because you wouldn’t be able to resist the formidable allure of my sexy shoes…
 

Hats off to LeeLee for this AWESOME emoticon…

  

I’ve had a personal “mission statement” for my life for several years now…

But it recently received an addition.

NOW it’s…

To tell one great story.

To live one great love affair.

To be a better person tomorrow than I am today

And to make people laugh so hard they blow beverages out of their nose…..
because, let’s face it…that’s God’s work.

LeeLee the Magnificant…made the brilliant emoticon…luv that girl!

OK…OK….

If you are thinking of sending me an angry email about how offended you are by this off-colour the topic….

I have only one thing to say to you:

“uhmmmm…. What…are you new in town?”

Our new policy at CanadaWry is to feel flattered by your attention. Clearly, something about my work compels you to visit this site day after day and night after sleepless night…..even though you hate me sooooo much.

I want to thank you for that. You are giving me an awful lot of power and I want you to know that I will honour and respect that which you choose to surrender to me.

I promise to continue giving you everything you seem to need from me, by continuing to write about things that upset you….in a way that drives you to the very brink of your sanity.

By the way, I have a few books coming out soon…..you may want to buy them as soon as possible and keep them under your pillow….. It’s OK…I won’t tell anyone.

Yours in humble service,

Jules Carlysle.
XO

Now lets talk about cock…..

_______________________

This is another post that is NOT for the faint-of-heart.

If you are easily offended, stop reading now.

No…..no…..see?

You are still reading….

I told you to STOP reading…

but here you are…still reading….

Do you think I can’t see you there…

Eyes scanning the page ….

and since when do you move your lips when you read?

 OK…on the count of three…stop reading…

one…..two……three….

STOP!

HEY! You are still reading…..

Boy… that’s just bad manners…

OK….fine…be that way.

I won’t stop you…

But I will not be held responsible if my words or ideas offend….

You have been duly warned.

________________________

Why am I writing a piece about blowjobs?

Well, that’s an interesting question.

I had an unfortunate incident earlier this week.

Let’s say the subject of blowjobs “came up” in a conversation with someone in a position of trust and authority, who thought, that given my living situation, I would be amenable to exchanging his “goods” for my “services…”

I was really pissed.   But, I’m totally over it now.

After I got past the fact that some creepy asshole wanted me to suck his cock to pay my bill…

I started thinking about oral sex in more general terms…..

I have been thinking about it as a cultural touchstone, as a commodity…as an act of submission….as a gift…as a source of power…It’s actually a very complicated subject and so much has changed in recent years.

But, I’ll get to all that…

_____________________________

First, just let me say that, speaking in general terms….personally, I’m a fan….

I have to admit that the first time it…errrrr…”happened”…
I didn’t know that people actually did that to each other…

It was a complete and total surprise to me!

That’s kind of cute isn’t it?

If someone had told me about oral sex, prior to that particular night,  I probably wouldn’t have believed them anyway.

“I’m sorry…I don’t understand…people do WHAT? This is a joke right?….I’m on Candid Camera…..you can’t be serious…..why would anybody DO THAT????”

From that very first time,

when I lay there thinking,

“Hey! — Where is he going?—–

- — to a sunny afternoon when I was thirty and I found myself saying

“No…seriously….wh..uhhhh…Toes? ….Really?”

I have learned to cherish those rare moments when I’ve been taken by surprise….

OK, I should clarify…

I mean that in the sense of being “caught off guard” and “delighted” by a sensation or experience…

Not…you know…….being taken by surprise in an actual physical AMBUSH…

That’s a whole different kind of experience.

 

Of course, this is all conjecture based on the fuzzy memories of another time and place…..*sigh*

Now – YOU ask:

“Hey Jules, why don’t you have sex anymore?”….(I mean, even really ugly people get it once in a while)

To which, I respond (this week anyway)….

Well, it’s all in the name of science….

You see, I am testing the hypothesis -

“If one does, indeed, not ”USE IT”
Will they eventually ”LOSE IT”?

I’m still collecting data.

I’ll keep you posted.

______________________

This is probably a good time to point out, to all you guys out there, that you didn’t personally invent cunnilingus or fellatio…

I know you think you did …and really… God bless you….It’s adorable and very charming.

And…On behalf of all women, I would like to thank you for all of your efforts “down there”….We really do appreciate it…and …

I have to tell you that, despite all evidence to the contrary,

and although it defies the laws of nature, logic and simple math…because I’m not that kind of girl…

I feel confident in telling you that….

Every single one of you is the “best ever”.

….seriously….you are ….and I really mean that.

So, now that I have “softened the blow”….(see that? I made a funny) I can tell you that oral/genital contact has been around so long that there are actual Latin names attached.

L-A-T-I-N..

Now, that’s old baby!

I must surmise, based on my slim knowledge of the history of Latin, that people have been thus-ly engaged since about 9000 years before Christ arrived. (give or take a thousand years)

I have to wonder who that first person was that thought…”Hey! I have an idea!” – and then I wonder how he roped someone else into participating with him. Maybe there was actual rope involved.

“No…No  seriously Dude…..just put it in your mouth for a sec..I want to try something”

I think we should be glad they didn’t name the sex act after the guy who discovered it….

“Oh God, my girl gives good Walter”….

“Baby I love it when you George me….ya-ya-ya….just like that…mmmmmm….George me”

…..it just seems wrong somehow.

(I’m sorry, I don’t know any good ancient Roman names….or do I?)

Wait!

Maybe his name WAS Fellatio!

Fellatio and his best “buddy” Horatio.

It must have been a slow night in the old vomitorium.

__________________________ 

I don’t think oral sex has the same instinctual methodology as intercourse.

As they say, (about intercourse) “Birds do it, bees do it…even educated fleas do it”…

Everything that breeds has the “insert tab ‘A’ into slot ‘B’” instructions etched right into their DNA.

I mean, for Heaven’s sake -  We are hardwired for that.

Sarah Palin and Britney Spears have both made new baby humans right from scratch.

It’s not rocket science.

 Oral sex however, IS rocket science…

or at the very least, a high art…like good satire or balloon animals. 

____________________

It’s every bit as much an intellectual experience as a physical one.

I don’t think we are born knowing how to do that or with the inclination towards doing it.

But – remember – I’m also the girl who had no idea people
actually did that to each other….

It’s not necessary to the breeding process:

So oral sex immediately lacks a certain biological imperative. 

Somebody thought of it….Somebody Perfected it….
(his name was “Randy”, by the way)

and like using medicinal herbs and the proper way to tie a potroast….

…like all MYSTERIOUS and ESOTERIC knowledge…

It was passed down through the generations,

until it landed squarely – where everyone could see it – in the 11pm timeslot on cable….every Friday night.

 But, consider THIS for a minute…

If people had actually lived the “ideal” and remained virgins until marriage and stayed faithfully married for life…prior to Harlequin Romance, Internet Porn, Cosmo and HBO….How would anybody know how to do it?

…much less do it well?

_______________________________

Despite the fact that people have been doing it (according to me) for thousands of years;

There was a time, not that long ago, when this topic was quite taboo…

But then the seventies came along and the American Mainstream met a chick named Linda (apparently she really liked lace) . Suddenly housewives all over America….somewhere between bridge night and cooking Salisbury Steak…. were using Lidocaine spray and Codeine to suppress their gag reflexes. (Oh sure….wouldn’t YOU like to know….a book OK…I read it in a book…)

Almost overnight, blowjobs entered popular culture in a big way….

Ok “big” is negotiable….not that size matters….

(I’m sooooo lying here….size totally matters – stop asking us questions you don’t want to hear the answer to)

Ahhhhh the seventies…Volkswagons, bell bottoms and blowjobs….

What a magical time!

____________________________

Apparently, I grew up at a time when pretty girls didn’t give head…(no seriously, it just wasn’t expected of them)
They contented themselves with receiving….No reciprocity required or requested.

They didn’t need to have skills…They didn’t need to have enthusiasm….Men wanted to be in their presence just because they were “hot”. 

Sounds pretty cold to me…

But what do I know -

I wasn’t that pretty.

________________________

Almost as soon as I was introduced to the whole concept of oral copulation, I was also introduced to the belief system that said it was acceptable to receive but, giving was an expression of my submission and his dominance. 

That summer, I hung around with a very granola crew of musicians and hippy-hipsters….and the girls included the head of the Women’s Bookstore and notorious feminists and lesbians…That was an awesome summer actually…I was young, but strong-minded and didn’t fall under other’s influence easily. I could easily see the contradictions in the messages they preached and the way they lived.  Correct me if I’m wrong but, from what I understand about lesbian sex….nobody seems to think oral is an expression of submission and dominance – to be strictly forbidden -

It is the introduction of the penis that seems to throw a wrench in their works.

They preached a message of “Man – Bad” “Woman -Good” that I just couldn’t get on board with….

Equality in their eyes is strictly unbalanced and decidedly in-equal

Throughout the course of history, people have risen above great obstacles to achieve…..People have overcome horrors I can’t imagine and faced literal threat to life and limb….and gone on to change the world or become a light in it….

If you can’t accomplish your goals and dreams in this day and age….and if you think it’s the glass ceiling or The Old Boys Club and discrimination that’s preventing you….

If you think all the cards are stacked against you….

Well, it ain’t guys that are the problem sister….It’s your attitude.  

Sex should not be an expression of your politics…
_______________________

Nowadays, not only does everybody do it, but it’s not even considered sex….(Thnx President Clinton)

Now, in one short generation….everything is different.

Apparently, girls….

girls I consider to be very young….sixth/seventh/eighth grade….think absolutely nothing of fellating boys.

Wrap your head around THIS:

Children are engaged in recreational fellatio…..

Which is startling enough but, they do it publicly…at parties…on the bus….in front of their friends.

In one short generation…it went from an act too dirty and taboo for pretty girls to worry their little heads with…to literal child’s play.

Now this sets my mind reeling…

I have all sorts of different questions – like:

How did this become something that kids did?

Why are you so stupid?

Why are you so stupid?

Why do I repeat myself?

Why does hot water freeze faster than cold water?

What’s the weird smell coming from my shower drain?

Exactly how low IS your self-esteem?

 

Don’t look at me like that.

I said I had questions….

I didn’t say they were RELEVANT!

 

I think it’s a huge mischaracterization to believe oral sex is subservient or demeaning.

But THAT…..a twelve year old giving head on the school bus…while his friends take pictures and post them on the internet….that is a whole new world of degrading.

It’s degrading, but I’m not suggesting that the boys are acting in a predatory fashion. That is one of my pet peeves with media coverage. The girls are portrayed as “victims” and the boys as “manipulators”….

This is one of the cultural benchmarks that communicate how “old we are”….because the view of oral sex from one generation to the other is vastly different. My parents likely never did it….according to a recent study conducted in Australia, only about 21% of people their age had ever tried it.  So, they assume if a girl is doing it…it’s against her will or she was duped…Not so!

Of my generation, 68% have done it and over 80% of us, classify it as sex.  Many draw a distinction as to whether or not sex occurred, with the orgasm…oral sex without orgasm isn’t sex….OH…just don’t get me started on that one…OK?

Kids today, often have oral sex instead of intercourse….They do it casually….

And they are doing it voluntarily….

It’s not a predator/prey issue. These girls are not victims…so put that out of your head immediately….

Oral sex has become the “fall back position”

A study commissioned by the Bush White House to test the effectiveness of his $94 million investment in Abstinence Only Sexual Education, found that kids who had taken the Purity Pledge….which includes those girls who attend an incredibly creepy wedding/prom purity ritual, where they promise to remain virgins until marriage by pledging themselves to their fathers….

Well, as it happens…

The study showed that these kids actually substitute oral and anal sex for good old fashioned intercourse….because these acts are not considered “sex” and they are technically speaking, still virgins.

Think about this:

The darling spawn of the Christian Right Neo-Con, are schooling themselves in the fine art of sodemy to preserve their virtues. 

That blows my mind!

(see what I did there? I made another funny)

More importantly, these kids are 76% more likely to engage in this risky behaviour unprotected.

Seriously…President Bush…..that was 90 million dollars well-spent.

________________________

Not only is oral sex….SEX…

It is one of the most intensley erotic, intimate, heady, powerful experiences you could possibly share with another person.

How did we lose sight of that? 

Why cheapen it?

Any simple life form can fuck…just as Kevin Federline.

We can do THAT in our sleep…

Unlike THAT, this wasn’t written on our DNA…We had to learn it….We had to think about it.

It’s an exercise of body and mind….

If you do it well, you can still take the most jaded, experienced, bored partner to heights and places they didn’t even know existed.

Now THAT’s what I call “power”.

_________________________

If you believe oral sex is less intimate than penis-in-vagina-intercourse, then you aren’t doing it right.

In fact, I demand that you stop doing it immediately….

Wait, you aren’t doing it right NOW are you?

Good…..stop doing it until you are willing to do it right.

_________________________

Oral sex is where sex moves from “me”…to “you”….

It doesn’t matter how it’s achieved, an orgasm is a solo experience.

There is a retreat within – people pull back into their own body: Fall into their own sensation in those final moments…

They are not “with” you….

But you are “with” them….

You are the witness…..

Does that sound corny?

Well, get over it because it’s honorable.

This is the place where sex becomes “stewardship.”

That’s what makes it powerful.

That is why it is so misunderstood…

We are conditioned to believe that the one “in service to” is the lessor party….the subservient…

But that displays a very immature understanding of the nature of power.

First, speaking in strictly practical terms, if I have both his penis and my teeth….who is more vulnerable?

Don’t imagine for a moment that, as a women, you can’t control that interaction…

______________________

But, to look at this correctly, we should look to the principles of Servant Leadership, which has been practiced for many centuries.

Now, just like we permit all individual men to believe they invented oral sex, we permit the Christians to believe Jesus invented Servant Leadership. He certainly embodied the prinicples but, it’s been around a lot longer than that.

I don’t want to get all dry and boring (ha! more innuendo) and tell you who wrote about it in India in 4th Century BC…

Or about it being referenced in the Tao Te Ching…

Let me just say that for centuries, the enlightened recognized that  true power wasn’t found in your ability to opress and dominate ….but, in your ability to give and be in service to others…

It takes more strength to lift someone up, than it does to hold them down.

(even more innuendo…I’m on a roll)

______________________

Crap…I still don’t see an ending for this…I have to stick a pin in this one for now.

I’m thinking about rounding off with my impending pursuit of sanctions against Dr. Dick and the blow I will be striking to the whole blowjob based economy….

 

 

 

Well, you just know that someone who owns a dog this cute has got to be an exceptional guy….

You know me…I love big puppy dogs.

Today I am writing a public “thank you” to Canada Wry’s one and only subscriber/donor.

Tom sent me a donation again this month and I have used it to buy a pair of Nike runners and several brassieres on eBay!

Who knew you can buy Victoria’s Secret bras on eBay??? ….go figure.

I don’t usually talk about my underwear, but the bra thing is pretty funny!

You see, when the laundry was stolen….I wasn’t wearing one. They were all in the wash….and hence, are now probably being worn by a very unattractive cross-dresser or being used to keep homeless people’s ears warm.  So, if you happen to see a street person with blue lace covering what appear to be a pair of GIANT ears….don’t worry…it’s just my unmentionables being put to good use.

When we arrived at the shelter, we were allowed to root through boxes of clothes that had been donated or left behind and I found a brassiere….But it had a giant slice across both cups.

Being creative and resourceful (nee: desperate) I pulled a piece of yarn out of my black sweater and sewed them both up…whipstitched, no less.

They now look like a cartoon corpse’s mouth…you know how they used to draw them with their mouths and eyes stitched up?

For 10 months, my breasts have looked like they have 3 nipples (I didn’t say I stitched them WELL)….and like they belong in a Tim Burton movie….The Nightmare Before DD Day…..too hilarious.

So, thanks to Tom and eBay….I will look like a real-live girl very soon!

Everyone’s talking about the jabs taken at the Canadian Military by Fox’s Red Eye “satirical news show”.

Go easy on them.

Republicans aren’t funny.

They have tried twice to recreate the Daily Show but failed because they don’t understand the nuances required to deliver good satire. The best Republican-leaning satire is The Colbert Report….brilliant…except it’s making fun of Republicans…..

But, shhhhhhh…. don’t tell them that!

They were actually surprised by Colbert’s speech at the White House Correspondents Dinner! It would be adorable, if it wasn’t so sad.

Here’s the deal.

Nobody shits on the military.

That’s the rule.

Shit on the politicians…..

Shit on the Generals….

Shit on the Media-Whores….

But do NOT shit on the troops.

It’s in the worst possible taste….

But I can’t and I won’t stop you from doing it.

In response to Greg Gutfeld’s comments, I would like to point out a few things about the Canadian Military.

In case you didn’t know, Greg,

Canada’s entire population is approximately 30 million people, or in other words, the population of California.

Our Canadian Armed Forces have a total of about 65,000 soldiers and civilians in service, compared to America’s 4 million in the combined armed services.

The Canadian Armed Forces have an extraordinary branch in service called DART (Disaster Assistance and Relief Team) who are first responders all over the world in cases of natural and humanitarian disasters.
I am personally very proud of this program in particular.

DART was on hand during Katrina and after September 11 to deliver medical services, supplies and food to your citizens.

Canada is currently leading the NATO mission in Afghanistan.

Canada was also in Somalia and Rwanda.

Militarily speaking, Canada is generally a group of peacekeepers and nation builders, and I mean no disrespect to our service people, but Canada has been engaged in combat operations against the Taliban for 8 years and is getting their ass handed to them on a regular basis.

We have lost 116 lives there: The highest death toll of any of the allied countries.

But we are still there.

Our friends, our neighbours and our children are fighting and dying in Afghanistan because it’s the right thing to do.

We love our troops too.

Their lives are no less valuable than those of US soldiers.

Canada didn’t join you in Vietnam, but thousands of our citizens, crossed the border and joined your fight only to lose their lives over there.

On September 11^th, when the airports and borders closed, Canada received your planes on our soil and ordinary Canadians opened their homes to stranded American travellers.

So, Mr Gutfeld, I have heard what you said, and I have only one response:

You’re welcome.

P.S. On behalf of my country, you can kiss our oil-rich ass!

That being said, I am a proponent of free speech.

These jerks are absolutely entitled to behave like jerks and say anything they want to about Canada and the Canadian Military….period.

You have the absolute right to be incredibly offended and insulted.

But, we must defend to our dying breath their right to offend us.

Since I’ve been writing on this topic for some time now, I’m going to get lazy and insert some copy here from an older piece entitled “You Have Every Right to Be Offended, You Goddamn, Retarded, Jesus-Loving, Queer” It was written in response to the dust-up over the movie Tropic Thunder.

Here’s the thing….“FREE SPEECH” as it currently stands, is only “FREE” if nobody gets upset about it.

In a truly FREE society, you cannot demand that your government protect your feelings.

Of course, under current conditions you CAN and do demand that the government protect your feelings and they actually do it.

But it’s WRONG!

You can and should demand that your government protect your RIGHTS.

How do they protect your rights?

By guaranteeing that everyone and their ideas, good or bad are given equal expression, free from censorship, influence or restriction of any kind. Period.

The only way to ensure that YOU have the opportunity to speak freely, is to also ensure that the people who disagree with you also have that opportunity…even the ugly stuff.

Ideas shouldn’t be pasteurized, nurtured or coddled.

History will prove that only the strong survive.

Forget the “Marketplace of Ideas”…

Fling those doors wide open and make it the “Ideas Ultimate Fighting Octagon of Death”…

Forget the rules.

Let’s have a cagefight.

Throw the ideas into the ring and let them publicly wail on each other until the weakest ones DIE.

Censorship and hate speech laws don’t protect GOOD IDEAS…they protect BAD ONES.

They keep them alive and push them underground. When brought under the full force of public scrutiny and debate, bad ideas do not thrive or survive over the long term.

Some last longer than others, but bad ideas do ultimately fall to the wayside.

Yes, admittedly some bad ideas survived and thrived for hundreds of years, like slavery for example.

But today, with our phenomenal power to access and share ideas and information, but for those bad ideas receiving respite from the people who commit censorship (you heard me)…they would NEVER survive today like they did in ignorant premature civilizations.

If someone is engaging in HATE SPEECH, you don’t silence them, don’t tell them to shut-up…

You say, “COME HERE AND SAY THAT”

You say, “BRING IT ON”

It comes down to RIGHTS…T

he only way we can be positive that rights are protected, any rights, is if these rights are applied equally to everyone across any situation.

What if the day comes when THEY (whoever the bad ideas are) are the accepted social mores and YOU are the one not permitted to speak, “hey, I disagree”…

What if one day, YOU are the person being detained by the government without access to a judge or a lawyer or charges pressed against you…

You think it’s OK to eradicate rights because it’s happening to THEM and THEY must deserve it….But, if it can be done to THEM…It can be done to YOU.

Justice that is not applied equally to all …let me emphasize that…TO ALL….even people who scare you….even people you don’t agree with and YES goddamnit….even people who want to KILL YOU….is not justice.

If 8 out of 10 actors and recording artists get to thank Jesus for their award, why isn’t Kathy Griffin allowed to NOT thank him for hers? If that offends you then I suggest you not invite her to your next dinner party. But, she’s welcome at mine.

Could you imagine the OUTRAGE that would ensue if an artist thanked Allah or Zeus for their Grammy Award?

Well…sure….because we live in a country that protects our right to FREEDOM of religion…You are FREE to be a CHRISTIAN. Thank Zenu for that!

So, you’ve discovered that there’s a script in development (or a couple of jerks on TV) that uses a word or expresses an idea that you find objectionable…Don’t go over my head to the movie studio (or attempt to censor the show) to prevent me from hearing the word or idea…

How dare you PROTECT ME?

Trust that the public has the ability to discern for themselves….If your ideas are strong, they will survive. Write your articles, go on the news…express your outrage…push YOUR ideas…You have every RIGHT….

I think it’s called FREE SPEECH
…but I could be wrong.

Yup, second day in a row and now the top 5 referrers to this site are porn…I can’t figure it out.

The top search terms in terms of sheer number and variety are still related to a certain dog trainer

This week I was talking to my son Adam on the phone while checking my website stats and I discovered that a bunch of porn sites (of the girl-on-girl variety) are linking back to CanadaWry. Curious as to why, I went to some of the sites and searched for the references and links to my website.

My son, being a consumate 16yr old gentleman, offered to go look for me. But I couldn’t allow my child to fall on his own sword like that…..While I was looking around….I was shreiking things like…OH NO….OH MY GOD…..AAAAACK!…..EEEEEEK…..OH MY EYES…..OH MY GOD MY EYES……OH NO….OH GOD….MAKE IT STOP…..meanwhile Adam laughed hysterically on the other end of the phone….

….and for the first time ever, the search term “Jules Carlysle Breasts” showed up….maybe they were looking for that piece “Florida Theme Park Terrorized by Nipple Wielding Canadian” that I wrote a couple years back

….or that other one about women who get breast implants being more likely to kill themselves

….or the one where I refer to Showgirls as “the movie starring Elizabeth Berkley’s nipples”…

We have been talking a bit about breasts as it relates to not running my daily 10 miles in Rage Against the Machine 2….so, it could be that….

Or some joker out there really is wondering if he can see mine…..and the answer is an emphatic and unequivocal “NO!”

You know I mean it because women who show their bits on the Internet don’t know how to use words like “emphatic” and “unequivocal”.

Must be a Democrat because the Republicans think I’m a guy….

Actually, I’m not 100% sure that Republicans know about breasts yet..except the ones Rush Limbaugh’s sporting….

With all due respect and deference to Mr. Limbaugh….mine are better.

But you’ll have to just take my word for it.

I suggest anyone looking for tits visit one of the damn porn sites that are linking back to CanadaWry instead because you won’t find them here!

 

Funny, tonight I was at a book signing with an old friend and I told her that people often think I’m a lesbian.

I was having pizza one night with a teacher at Adam’s grade school…we were in my little nightclub on an off night and I had just taken  a bite of pizza when Jen says something to the effect of, “Well Jules, you’re a lesbian, what do you think about _______”….and I literally spewed pizza bits all over the table….

She explained that although we had been friends for a couple years, she had been told I was gay by another teacher and assumed it was true because of MY EYEGLASSES!

Apparently, to Cobourg, I was sporting the latest in homosexual eyewear….
I started wearing contacts, then relocated…Not that there’s anything wrong with that!

First, thanks to Tom from Wisconsin for letting me post this picture of his adorable dog Buster with his Ducky.

Lacie5,  

 Whether you see it or not…whether you give a damn or not….your posts ARE most definitely mean-spirited and contain personal attacks.

 Every time you call someone IGNORANT, a HYPOCRITE, or STUPID…..either directly or indirectly, that is a personal attack and it’s not welcome over there. 

No one else is engaging in this behaviour….. 

 If you’ve ever looked at a situation in your life and wondered “Is it just me or…..”

 The answer, in this particular case, is YES…..Lacie5, it IS just you.  Read more

I’m posting what I have to date….It’s not done….It’s certainly not right. I have to move on and write someting else. I’ll come back to this one:

The biggest problem with this piece is rhythm….humour is all about the rhythm.  

There’s an age old saying (and by “age old” I mean “the 1980’s”) that has graced both cheesy motivational posters and love songs written by Sting.

It goes a little something like this:

“If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, you didn’t duct tape the laboratory magnets to its head correctly”.

No, that’s not it.

It’s actually:

“If you love something set it free. If it comes back, it is yours. If it doesn’t, it never was.” 

This is not only a timeless message about the nature of true love, it’s also a comforting thing to tell your neighbour when their leaf blower, garden gnomes or housecat go missing.

The other is less like a Sting lyric and more like fraternity hazing ritual passed off as scientific research. 

According to a recent REUTERS news item, Researchers at Mexico’s Crocodile Museum in Chiapas believe that crocodiles rely, in part, on the Earth’s magnetic field for navigation and  that attaching magnets to a crocodiles’ head disrupts their “homing” ability, thus preventing them from returning to residential neighbourhoods, once they have been removed.  

Apparently, when crocodiles are relocated from urban areas to new homes in the wild, the determined and territorial beasts, will travel up to 10 miles per week back to where they were captured.  

Upon their return, these crocodiles, capture the researchers, duct tape their ass-cheeks together and release them into urban areas….. where they are subjected to finger-pointing and taunting by neighborhood children.

But hey, it’s all in the name of science!

I’m a big fan of science.

For instance, according to Galileo’s Law of Accelerated Motion and Free-Falling Objects, my neighbour’s leaf blower and favourite garden gnome, when dropped simultaneously from a highway overpass, will theoretically, impact the asphalt and shatter into tiny pieces at the exact same time. Of course, this hypothesis does not take into consideration, wind resistance or the gnome making direct impact with a speeding Lexus.

Also, according to the Ministry of Transportation’s  Law of Not Throwing Stuff Off Highway Overpasses, conducting this experiment could land me in jail and make me subject to a fine of up to $20,000. 

Now, don’t get me wrong, I have nothing but respect for the lovely and talented “Researchers” (if, by “researchers” we mean intoxicated frat boys who got lost on their way to Spring Break) of the Crocodile “Museum” in Chiapas, Mexico. (if by,  “Museum” we mean the back seat of a burned out Toyota Corolla) 

I personally imagine that the Crocodile Museum probably features many fascinating exhibits, including the requisite crocodile jawbone, a fancy handbag and an 8 track of Elton John singing Crocodile Rock. 

Of course, after enjoying the many exhibits on display in the Crocodile Museum, you will be ushered to the gift shop (located in the front seat of said, burned out Corolla) where you may purchase many valuable souvenirs, including an 8 track of Elton John singing Rocket Man, a Meatloaf Bat Outta Hell concert T and a slightly used roll of duct tape.

In reality, of course I have every faith that these are highly trained scientific professionals, with some of the finest credentials their parents’ money can buy. 

The steely-eyed professionalism of these crocodile “scientists” is clearly displayed by these quotes that I evidently “FABRICATED”, just minutes ago:

“Wheeeeeee!”,

“Duuuuuuudde”

and ____________________ insert something funny here.

These quotes should not be confused with ACTUAL quotes, like this one from Lindsey Hord, the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission’s Crocodile Response Coordinator, who, upon learning that he had the longest job title in the history of trading fancy titles for dental coverage …..said, “You forgot Extraordinaire”

Actually…

Lindsey Hord, the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission’s Crocodile Response Coordinator “Extraordinaire”, explained the painstaking validation process they undertook before implementing the study in Florida, with “We said, ‘Hey! We might as well give this a try!”.
 
Incidentally, this is precisely the same procedure Florida uses to decide elections. It is also the procedure used to regulate the importation of toys from China and the manufacture and sale of consumer peanut butter products.

The only difference being; in one case your baby is teething on a lead rattle and in the other, your baby is teething on a disoriented crocodile whose head is stuck to your refrigerator.

“This one is by no means a really well-developed scientific study with a control group. It’s just something we thought we would try,” Hord said.

Hord and his co-workers have tried it on two crocodiles since launching the experiment in January.

One got run over by a car and died, but the other has yet to return.

Ironically, the same could be said about my neighbour’s leaf blower and garden gnome.

When asked to comment, one of the Mexican Researchers said, “Hey! What happened to my Corolla?”

 

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