mastiff_preview.bmp5 Things Your Dog Would Never Do… 

 1.    Tell you your ass looks fat in those jeans

 2.    Ask you to wear a dog collar and call him “master”

 3.    Rent a video camera and ask you to tape yourself scratching his tummy

 4.    Leave you for a younger, prettier owner

 5.    Fart and blame it on your husband 

 

     

Bad Dogs/Bad Husbands…          

          A bad dog jumps on your mother
          A bad husband licks her face 
          

          A bad dog chews your bra
         
A bad husband wears it
          A really bad husband buys his own
            
         

          A bad dog pees on your floor
         
A bad husband pees on your Ficus
          A really bad husband comes home drunk and pees in the laundry hamper
           
         

          A bad dog humps the furniture
         
A bad husband humps his secretary  
         

          A bad dog ‘makes’ in the hallway
          A bad husband makes crystal meth in the storm cellar
           
         

          A bad dog doesn’t understand the word “stay”
          Neither does a bad husband
 
           
         

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There’s a million stories in the Naked City, and most of them were written with words.

That’s right, words – those tidy little packages of sound and air that give our lives context and meaning…

The hard and soft tones we rely on every day to share our dreams, order lunch and emotionally cripple our children.

Have you missed me?

Yes, baby, I missed you too.

Now lets get down to business..okay?

I have been under the most certain suspicion for years….nay, DECADES….that I was given a joint laced with PCP as a young teenager. The night was pure terror. I literally grew up working in live professional theatre: I was 12 when I started and almost 20 when I left. In many ways, it was pure joy. Nothing sums it up like this quote from Shakespeare in Love:

Philip Henslowe: Mr. Fennyman, allow me to explain about the theatre business. The natural condition is one of insurmountable obstacles on the road to imminent disaster.

Hugh Fennyman: So what do we do?

Philip Henslowe: Nothing. Strangely enough, it all turns out well.

Hugh Fennyman: How?

Philip Henslowe: I don’t know. It’s a mystery.

See?

It’s the perfect environment for hyper-expressive adrenaline junkies.  Nothing ever goes entirely as planned….but you pull together, think on your feet and it all works out.  — and then we drink.

(This why television was like “coming home” to me….except for the drinking part)

These photos taken in Kirkland Lake Ontario
made me feel magic….and awe….

I see warm memories  whenever the trees are covered with snow.
I think snow is romantic (it’s OK to laugh…everyone does)
…and I’m a good Northern Girl and always appreciate a good moose-sighting.

These photos of a rare white moose will open to larger image files.

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It’s no secret that truth is in the eye of the beholder. We can be generous about it and say that we interpret information as it is reflected through our individual lens of social conditioning and beliefs (among other things…) What we understand and how we understand it, is ultimately colored….dare I say…tainted… by numerous factors. 

Or we can be less generous and say that we are brazenly manipulated by propaganda .

Both are true. Everyone is drinking the Kool-Aid. Everyone is taking the red pill….or is it the blue pill?

The only distinction between one sugary drink and the next.. is the color… and even that is artificial.

The commonly accepted truth is that neither one is good for you.

But truth is hardly the point — It stopped being relevant a long time ago.

Being shocked when we find evil lurking in the halls of power….is akin to being surprised when we find milk lurking in the dairy aisle.  But, the fact is, while both parties shape the available information in ways that clearly stack the deck in their favor; they do it because they honestly believe that they are right and acting in the best interest of their country…Those with truly evil motives are far fewer than we are lead to believe.


“Do not criticize your government when out of the
country. Never cease to do so when at home.”
Winston Churchill

 

 OK….I admit it.

 This is a slightly re-worked reprint of a column I wrote back in 2008.

 The original had one of my customary inflammatory titles, but I fear InformedVote.ca might not be ready to entertain me in all of my salty, fight-provoking glory just yet.

 I’ll give you a hint though…The previous title implied Stephen Harper is so enamoured of a certain country to our immediate South, that he metaphorically got down on his knees and….uhmmm….pleasured  them spectacularly. *I have restored previous title*

 

Now, there is a perfectly good reason why I have chosen this column to reprint and there’s even a reason why I do so today.

 

The Federal Budget came down today and….well, you don’t need me to tell you.

It’s all over the news and smarter people than I have written about it on this very website.  Suffice to say, the budget does little more than pay lip-service (see that? I made a funny) to helping our country’s most vulnerable populations.

The continue reading buttons have disappeared, so click the title to see full text. Thnx.

Britain Bad Sex Award

Words are powerful tools…

Words can, quite literally, change the world.

Well chosen words can inspire the masses,

Topple empires …..

and make women swoon.

That’s right -

SWOON.

Note the phrase – “well chosen”  here…it’s important to make the distinction.

 

Writers, even the good ones, ones whose names everyone knows…
icons like William Shakespeare and Steven King…could never claim
that scantily clad women line up outside Barnes and Noble begging to pleasure them.

No one throws their panties at a book signing. (I found out the hard way)

Forget what you think you know about the glamorous, erotic underworld of the literary elite…

Writers aren’t rock stars.

Pasty-faced and socially awkward, James Bond-esque, suave lotharios we are not.

So, in all fairness, is it any wonder that our descriptions of sex sometimes miss the mark? 

I mean….really….truly…SPECTACULARLY miss the mark.

The Associated Press reports that the editors of Literary Review Magazine in the UK, have awarded their annual “Bad Sex in Literature Award” to American author Jonathon Littell. The award is given annually to the most crude or ridiculous depiction of sex in literature.  (Fun Fact: John Updike was given a Lifetime Achievement Award!)

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Today, I want to share a remarkable insight Junior had last night.

We were watching Season 2 of The West Wing, while we both worked separately on our laptops…In this particular episode, they are discussing the Defense of Marriage Act. We have had a similar debate in Canada, it’s the Conservatives wishing to limit the definition of marriage to a union between a man and a woman. It is the manifestation of knee-jerk backlash from people who fear that homosexuality is a political or moral agenda being perpetrated on society — and not a biological imperative or lifestyle choice.

So, I am personally of the opinion that if you are against gay marriage that you should absolutely NOT marry a gay person; but who I marry or have sex with is none of your business.

It’s ironic, I have spent a lot of ink talking about the fact that I haven’t had sex in over 10 years…LOL…apparently I think THAT’s your business…Who I sleep with…NOT your business…Who I DON’T SLEEP WITH….apparently — totally your business.

Now, while watching this episode of the West Wing, Adam made the off-handed remark that instead of protecting or defending marriage, it should just be abolished all together!

I don’t know exactly what has happened to me lately..

but I just LOVE the Muppets and love posting these clips…please to enjoy…

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doggy

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An instant classic. My appreciation to CNN’s Jack Gray for the Tweet! You know, the first Twitter message I sent out was that I wished I could hire Morgan Freeman to follow me around and narrate my life…Now I realize that Christopher Walkin would probably be PERFECT for the job…could you imagine?

AURGHHHHH

Filed Under Humour

julesvid11.jpgYou say you don’t care…and I believe you….and then you send me letters….

Yes, I know there’s something weird about the site. One day, the sidebars suddenly appeared at the top of the content box and no amount of yelling at the screen will convince them to return to where they belong….So, we also lose all of those tasty sidebar widgets like, blogroll, archives, search et al….

I’m sooooo sorry!

But also….

Get over it a little.

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Everyone’s talking about the jabs taken at the Canadian Military by Fox’s Red Eye — it’s a satirical news show.

 Go easy on them.

 Republicans aren’t funny.

They have tried twice to recreate the Daily Show but failed because they don’t understand the nuances required to deliver good satire. The best Republican-leaning satire is The Colbert Report…now that’s funny.

Here’s the deal.  

 Nobody shits on the military.

That’s the rule.

Shit on the politicians; shit on the media-whores….go ahead and shit on celebrities if you are really that bored.

But do NOT shit on the troops.

It’s in the worst possible taste.

But I can’t and I won’t stop you from doing it.

In response to Greg Gutfeld’s comments, I would like to point out a few things about the Canadian Armed Forces.

In case you didn’t know, Greg,

Canada’s entire population is approximately 30 million people, or in other words, the population of California.

Our Canadian Armed Forces have a total of about 65,000 soldiers and civilians in service, compared to America’s 4 million in the combined armed services.

fozzy.jpg   Fozzy Bear – Fugitive

Robbed of an Oscar for his role in the 1979 hit “The Muppet Movie” this beloved funnyman left show business in the early 80′s and turned to a life of crime. Paroled after 6 years in prison for drug and weapons offenses, Fozzy once again ran afoul of the law when he accidentally killed a hooker in Reno in a dispute over an 8 ball of cocaine and a bucket full of raw fish.

grizzly-adams.jpg  Gentle Ben

Who doesn’t have fond memories
of Gentle Ben from the hairy mountain drama Grizzly Adams? Popular with the ladies, this fella was the George Clooney of television, before George Clooney was the George Clooney of television. Smart, and devilishly handsome, this smooth operator was named Sexiest Bear Alive by People Magazine 3 years running. In a curious twist of fate, like George Clooney, he was eventually bumped off the list by Brad Pitt. Apparently People Magazine can’t find enough lists to award Brad Pitt “sexiest” man of…..

 

 

Winnie-the-Pooh 

Hmmmmm

Filed Under Humour

 

the-hills

 

 

I am watching The Hills for the first time…

“This program deals with mature subject matter…”

Uhmmmm……really?

Are you sure about that?

Self Portrait

Filed Under Humour

I'm loving the new camera!

I'm loving the new camera!

THIS is NOT me.

This is not my quote.

This is not a sentiment I share….in fact, it is something I would simply never say.

And this is NOT a photo of me.

The only thing they got right was my name.

meme

 

Okay, I have been pretty upset about this, but I am going to reframe how I look at it and say, “Wow, it’s been a long time since I wrote anything and people are still interested in me. Isn’t that flattering…..and someone went through all the trouble of impersonating me….isn’t that a compliment?”

In FACT! This spurred me on to start the book I’m currently working on: UNFAITHFUL.

And it lends some credibility to the notion that our talk show, which will have my name on it, will find an audience…..that my name still holds a little cache….these are all good things.

And I’m gonna just keep telling myself that – until I stop cringing.

From March 31, 2013 — self timer was set to 2 seconds not 6 — caught me in the process of sitting down. Inappropriate? HA! I have great boobs….get over it.

cleavage

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Only God knows why….traffic to this old post from 3yrs ago is way up this week…So let me help you out and repost it in a convenient location:

It was origonally called “Here Kitty-Kitty…Feeding Time on Parliament Hill”

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 Now, what you DON”T see in this syrupy public relations maneuver…..errrrr….I mean….candid photo of serpentine Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper…is that moments later, he unhinged his jaw and swallowed the poor feline whole.

 I don’t usually do baseless pot shots….but, Harper’s smile is just so creepy here….and the kitten??? Augh! How painfully contrived an effort to make Harper relatable and likable. God….he’s sitting in front of a fireplace, dressed casually….it couldn’t be more cliche if he was eating….errrr…..I mean….KISSING a baby! 

OK….now back to our regularily scheduled program:

Turtle…meet Scorpion…..Scorpion….meet the Turtle….

A Parable for Canadian Voters.

A present for my Twitter friend @Koursey

do not

Wow, Harper does a great job in this sketch….why…he seems so life-like…almost HEW-MON…HU-mon…Heman…HUMAN…yes, that’s it…Harper seems nearly human here…

Ahhhh, one of our all time favourites. CBC’s Rick Mercer, think of him as our Jon Stewart, visits PM Martin at 24 Sussex…think of it as our White House…and …well, watch it and see. One of the things I love about my country…..you would never see a US president doing this. (hee hee)

The Brightside

Filed Under Videos

Andy Kaufman performs Mighty Mouse – watch more funny videos

A beee–aa–uuuuu—tiful video on Youtube about my personal hero, Jim Henson…If nothing else, watch the first part…It’s just so worth it!

conan-craigslist 

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This is a wonderfully funny speech by Carrie Fisher at George Lucas’s AFI Salute. Please..to enjoy…

 This is Conan O’Brien’s letter…I think he did a fine job. As an editor, there is very little I would quibble over! You and I both know how important my opinion is to Mr. Obrien….So I’m sure this will be a huge relief for him. (hey! he’s not the only one who can be funny)

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People of Earth:

In the last few days, I’ve been getting a lot of sympathy calls, and I want to start by making it clear that no one should waste a second feeling sorry for me. For 17 years, I’ve been getting paid to do what I love most and, in a world with real problems, I’ve been absurdly lucky. That said, I’ve been suddenly put in a very public predicament and my bosses are demanding an immediate decision. .

I Cried…

Filed Under Videos

I saw this last year at the gym and bonded with a fellow eliptical rider when we were both laughing so hard that neither of us could keep exercising…and just listen to him too…”I danced my ass off!”…it’s frickin adorable! I must admit, I don’t actually weep when I see it now…but the first time I saw it, I totally fell apart…I wish the same for you!

orwell

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Community Leaders involved with special interest groups — namely the Special Olympics — are up in arms over Ben Stiller’s new movie “Tropic Thunder”.

 It’s been in the news lately; I’m sure you’ve already heard the noise. They object to use of the word “retard” in the film. They are picketing and calling for boycott.

As I understand it, the movie is not mocking people with developmental disabilities. It is satirizing actors who take-on heavy-handed and morally exhaustive roles to win awards.

 

In this crazy world of ours, the potential for hurt feelings — or insult added to self-perceived injury — is ever-present. You simply cannot please all of the people all of the time. It’s ludicrous to be expected to try. 

 

Prior to filming, the producers and writers of Tropic Thunder apparently consulted with numerous organizations about the script, in a pre-emptive attempt at appeasement.  That offends me more than anything else.

 

I hate it when artists are so afraid of their own work that they held meetings in advance; Did Picasso hold focus groups – “So, this painting of a woman fellating a horse…is it too much?”  I very nearly bought this actual painting because it was original, signed and cheap; but I didn’t know where I could hang it. 

Sex & Bicycles

Filed Under Humour

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On Sex & Bicycles

 

 

 

Have you ever gone so long without sex that you started wondering if anything has changed?

It’s probably just me, but after eight years, (nine now btw) I imagine myself finally having the uhhhh…”opportunity”, and because I’ve been out of the sexual loop so long, the whole thing suddenly goes terribly and embarrassingly awry.

Think about it….(but not too hard please)

There I’d be…I think I’m hot….I think everything is going well and my partner suddenly stops me and says, ”Uhmmmmmm…Gee Jules, people don’t really do that anymore….”

I mean GOD!…

I’d be so embarrassed…standing there in my Hamburglar Costume, holding those jumper cables…

doctors-smoke-camelsThis is a re-write on the column from Feb 1st…

 

I am a woman on the edge.

I smoke a pack a day between 9:00pm and 9:17pm. 

I think Animal Crackers are a main course and I run with scissors every chance I get.  

 My pet peeves are salad and longevity.

How do advertisers know that their campaigns are working?

What highly technical, super-secret metrics do they use track your spending and lifestyle habits???

Is it that Points Card you use — that tells them you suffer from flaky scalp and athletes foot?

How do they know you like to eat corned beef hash; which you share with your cat “Hebert.” Pronounced:  eeee-bear –

The one who knows how to poop in the toilet, but does it in your purse ??? (OMG I had a boyfriend like that once!)

Is it the Visa Folks who are selling-out your deep-dark secrets?

…or is it those pug-faced weasel-retards over at Mastercard? (and I mean that in the nicest possible way…I actually love pugs…and I have a Mastercard.  LOL)

the-informantOh Johnny Honey….Johnny Depp…..you beautiful bastard.  

Please forgive me for what I am about to say.  You KNOW how much I love you….

But Matt Damon may actually be the greatest actor of my generation….of OUR generation.

No…..shhhhhhhh……it’s OK Johnny…shhhhhhhh….it’s OK……OK-baby….it’ll be fine.

You are still OH sooooooo talented….and cooooooool

I’ve always liked Matt Damon but – as Pitt and Clooney can tell you – I have a strict “no pretty boys” policy…I don’t give them a second glance. 

(there’s a great story about a long flirtation with a much younger male model…when we finally met, I turned him away…he was stunned….why? my pretty boy whimpered? what happened?….I could barely believe it myself but the words just flew out of my mouth…dude, you are just too dumb to fuck”….)

Hilarious….

Filed Under Humour

wb-plunge.jpg Listen people,

I love you.

You know I do and maybe I don’t always show it….

I could bring you flowers occasionally….take you out to dinner….kiss you like I really, really mean it.

But, sometimes life and fleeting bouts of rational thought  get in the way…

Just remember I love you as much as one person could possibly love a large group of people I’ve never met that share a common interest…

You know, like the large groups found in any Bingo Hall, drunk tank or holding cell.

I love you all…THAT MUCH!

Just wait till I plant one on ya’…then you’ll know…

But there comes a time when you’ve got to throw in that proverbial towel.

Know when to say “when”…

(I actually spelled that wrong and it came out “wen”….so cute! Hi Wen!!)

I have watched you all try really hard to engage “He who must not be named” positively…

I’ve read notes from people trying to – from a place of genuine compassion – figure out the f*ck is wrong with that guy….guessing at various mental diseases and defects.

  spitcoffee

I’ve had a personal “mission statement” for my life for several years now…

But it recently received an addition.

NOW it’s…

To tell one great story.

To live one great love affair.

To be a better person tomorrow than I am today

And to make people laugh so hard they blow beverages out of their nose…..
because, let’s face it…that’s God’s work.

LeeLee the Magnificant…made the brilliant emoticon…luv that girl!

PC_PornYup, second day in a row and now the top 5 referrers to this site are porn…I can’t figure it out.

The top search terms in terms of sheer number and variety are still related to a certain dog trainer

This week I was talking to my son Adam on the phone while checking my website stats and I discovered that a bunch of porn sites (of the girl-on-girl variety) are linking back to CanadaWry. Curious as to why, I went to some of the sites and searched for the references and links to my website.

My son, being a consumate 16yr old gentleman, offered to go look for me. But I couldn’t allow my child to fall on his own sword like that…..While I was looking around….I was shreiking things like…OH NO….OH MY GOD…..AAAAACK!…..EEEEEEK…..OH MY EYES…..OH MY GOD MY EYES……OH NO….OH GOD….MAKE IT STOP…..meanwhile Adam laughed hysterically on the other end of the phone….

….and for the first time ever, the search term “Jules Carlysle Breasts” showed up….maybe they were looking for that piece “Florida Theme Park Terrorized by Nipple Wielding Canadian” that I wrote a couple years back

busterwithducky.JPGFirst, thanks to Tom from Wisconsin for letting me post this picture of his adorable dog Buster with his Ducky.

Lacie5,  

 Whether you see it or not…whether you give a damn or not….your posts ARE most definitely mean-spirited and contain personal attacks.

 Every time you call someone IGNORANT, a HYPOCRITE, or STUPID…..either directly or indirectly, that is a personal attack and it’s not welcome over there. 

No one else is engaging in this behaviour….. 

 If you’ve ever looked at a situation in your life and wondered “Is it just me or…..”

 The answer, in this particular case, is YES…..Lacie5, it IS just you. 

keep looking »