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Jan 062012
It’s no secret that truth is in the eye of the beholder. We can be generous about it and say that we interpret information as it is reflected through our individual lens of social conditioning, beliefs, among other things…What we understand and how we understand it, is ultimately colored….dare I say…tainted by numerous factors.
Or we can be less generous and say that we are brazenly manipulated by propaganda .
Both are true. Everyone is drinking the Kool-Aid. Everyone is taking the red pill….or is it the blue pill?
The only distinction between one sugary drink and the next is the color and even that it artificial.
The common truth is that neither is good for you.
But truth is hardly the point — It stopped being relevant a long time ago.
Being shocked when we find evil lurking in the halls of power….is akin to being surprised when we find milk lurking in the dairy aisle. But, the fact is, while both parties shape the available information in a ways that clearly stack the deck in their favor; they do it because they honestly believe that they are right and acting in the best interest of their country…Those with truly evil motives are far fewer than we are lead to believe.
“Do not criticize your government when out of the
country. Never cease to do so when at home.”
Winston Churchill
OK….I admit it.
This is a slightly re-worked reprint of a column I wrote back in 2008.
The original had one of my customary inflammatory titles, but I fear InformedVote.ca might not be ready to entertain me in all of my salty, fight-provoking glory just yet.
I’ll give you a hint though…The previous title implied Stephen Harper is so enamoured of a certain country to our immediate South, that he metaphorically got down on his knees and….uhmmm….pleasured them spectacularly. *I have restored previous title*
Now, there is a perfectly good reason why I have chosen this column to reprint and there’s even a reason why I do so today.
The Federal Budget came down today and….well, you don’t need me to tell you.
It’s all over the news and smarter people than I have written about it on this very website. Suffice to say, the budget does little more than pay lip-service (see that? I made a funny) to helping our country’s most vulnerable populations.
Jan 042012
Jan 042012
Today, I want to share a remarkable insight Junior had last night.
We were watching Season 2 of The West Wing, while we both worked separately on our laptops…In this particular episode, they are discussing the Defense of Marriage Act. We have had a similar debate in Canada, it’s the Conservatives wishing to limit the definition of marriage to a union between a man and a woman. It is the manifestation of knee-jerk backlash from people who fear that homosexuality is a political or moral agenda being perpetrated on society — and not a biological imperative or lifestyle choice.
So, I am personally of the opinion that if you are against gay marriage that you should absolutely NOT marry a gay person; but who I marry or have sex with is none of your business.
It’s ironic, I have spent a lot of ink talking about the fact that I haven’t had sex in over 10 years…LOL…apparently I think THAT’s your business…Who I sleep with…NOT your business…Who I DON’T SLEEP WITH….apparently — totally your business.
Now, while watching this episode of the West Wing, Adam made the off-handed remark that instead of protecting or defending marriage, it should just be abolished all together!
Jan 032012
Famous cock – Foghorn Leghorn
OK…OK….
If you are thinking of sending me an angry email about how offended you are by this off-colour the topic….
I have only one thing to say to you:
“uhmmmm…. What, are you new in town?”
Our new policy at CanadaWry is to feel flattered by your attention. Clearly, something about my work compels you to visit this site day after day and night after sleepless night…..even though you hate me sooooo much.
I want to thank you for that. You are giving me an awful lot of power and I want you to know that I will honour and respect that which you choose to surrender to me.
I promise to continue giving you everything you seem to need from me, by continuing to write about things that upset you….in a way that drives you to the very brink of your sanity.
By the way, I have a few books coming out soon…..you may want to buy them as soon as possible and keep them under your pillow….. It’s OK…I won’t tell anyone.
Yours in humble service,
Jules Carlysle.
XO
Now lets talk about cock…..
Dec 082011
Words are powerful tools…
Words can, quite literally, change the world.
Well chosen words can inspire the masses,
Topple empires …..
and make women swoon.
That’s right -
SWOON.
Note the phrase – “well chosen” here…it’s important to make the distinction.
Writers, even the good ones, ones whose names everyone knows…
icons like William Shakespeare and Steven King…could never claim
that scantily clad women line up outside Barnes and Noble begging to pleasure them.
No one throws their panties at a book signing. (I found out the hard way)
Forget what you think you know about the glamorous, erotic underworld of the literary elite…
Writers aren’t rock stars.
Pasty-faced and socially awkward, James Bond-esque, suave lotharios we are not.
So, in all fairness, is it any wonder that our descriptions of sex sometimes miss the mark?
I mean….really….truly…SPECTACULARLY miss the mark.
The Associated Press reports that the editors of Literary Review Magazine in the UK, have awarded their annual “Bad Sex in Literature Award” to American author Jonathon Littell. The award is given annually to the most crude or ridiculous depiction of sex in literature. (Fun Fact: John Updike was given a Lifetime Achievement Award!)
Danny Boy
Muppet Videos, Videos
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Dec 082010
I don’t know exactly what has happened to me lately..
but I just LOVE the Muppets and love posting these clips…please to enjoy…
I Don’t Have to Write Anymore!
Funny Photos, Humour
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Dec 032010
Nothin to Add Here…
Funny Photos
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Dec 012010
Failing Sex Ed
Funny Photos
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Nov 032010
Christopher Walkin on Lady Gaga’s Poker Face
Videos
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Nov 012010
An instant classic. My appreciation to CNN’s Jack Gray for the Tweet! You know, the first Twitter message I sent out was that I wished I could hire Morgan Freeman to follow me around and narrate my life…Now I realize that Christopher Walkin would probably be PERFECT for the job…could you imagine?
Oct 192010
People seem to parent without giving due consideration to the fact that someday,
sooner than they might expect…their children will be much bigger than they are.
Sep 122010
You say you don’t care…and I believe you….and then you send me letters….
Yes, I know there’s something weird about the site. One day, the sidebars suddenly appeared at the top of the content box and no amount of yelling at the screen will convince them to return to where they belong….So, we also lose all of those tasty sidebar widgets like, blogroll, archives, search et al….
I’m sooooo sorry!
But also….
Get over it a little.
A Few Words for Greg Gutfeld (Reprise from Mar 2008)
Jules Carlysle, News - Canada, News - USA, Opinion, Politics, Politics - Canada, Politics - USA, Random Acts of Truth
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Sep 112010
Everyone’s talking about the jabs taken at the Canadian Military by Fox’s Red Eye — it’s a satirical news show.
Go easy on them.
Republicans aren’t funny.
They have tried twice to recreate the Daily Show but failed because they don’t understand the nuances required to deliver good satire. The best Republican-leaning satire is The Colbert Report…now that’s funny.
Here’s the deal.
Nobody shits on the military.
That’s the rule.
Shit on the politicians; shit on the media-whores….go ahead and shit on celebrities if you are really that bored.
But do NOT shit on the troops.
It’s in the worst possible taste.
But I can’t and I won’t stop you from doing it.
In response to Greg Gutfeld’s comments, I would like to point out a few things about the Canadian Armed Forces.
In case you didn’t know, Greg,
Canada’s entire population is approximately 30 million people, or in other words, the population of California.
Our Canadian Armed Forces have a total of about 65,000 soldiers and civilians in service, compared to America’s 4 million in the combined armed services.
Whatever Happened to….?
Hollywood News, Humour, What Ever Happened to...?
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Aug 112010
Fozzy Bear – Fugitive
Robbed of an Oscar for his role in the 1979 hit “The Muppet Movie” this beloved funnyman left show business in the early 80′s and turned to a life of crime. Paroled after 6 years in prison for drug and weapons offenses, Fozzy once again ran afoul of the law when he accidentally killed a hooker in Reno in a dispute over an 8 ball of cocaine and a bucket full of raw fish.
Gentle Ben
Who doesn’t have fond memories
of Gentle Ben from the hairy mountain drama Grizzly Adams? Popular with the ladies, this fella was the George Clooney of television, before George Clooney was the George Clooney of television. Smart, and devilishly handsome, this smooth operator was named Sexiest Bear Alive by People Magazine 3 years running. In a curious twist of fate, like George Clooney, he was eventually bumped off the list by Brad Pitt. Apparently People Magazine can’t find enough lists to award Brad Pitt “sexiest” man of…..
Winnie-the-Pooh
Jul 072010
I am watching The Hills for the first time…
“This program deals with mature subject matter…”
Uhmmmm……really?
Are you sure about that?
The Bestest Ever….tv show pitch
Muppet Videos, Videos
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May 282010
May 272010
I'm loving the new camera!
Mar 062010
Only God knows why….traffic to this old post from 3yrs ago is way up this week…So let me help you out and repost it in a convenient location:
It was origonally called “Here Kitty-Kitty…Feeding Time on Parliament Hill”
Now, what you DON”T see in this syrupy public relations maneuver…..errrrr….I mean….candid photo of serpentine Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper…is that moments later, he unhinged his jaw and swallowed the poor feline whole.
I don’t usually do baseless pot shots….but, Harper’s smile is just so creepy here….and the kitten??? Augh! How painfully contrived an effort to make Harper relatable and likable. God….he’s sitting in front of a fireplace, dressed casually….it couldn’t be more cliche if he was eating….errrr…..I mean….KISSING a baby!
OK….now back to our regularily scheduled program:
Turtle…meet Scorpion…..Scorpion….meet the Turtle….
A Parable for Canadian Voters.
Mar 062010
A present for my Twitter friend @Koursey
A Few Words About Dogs and Husbands…(revised)
Humour, People, Random Acts of Truth, Weird Weird Weird
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Mar 012010
5 Things Your Dog Would Never Do…
1. Tell you your ass looks fat in those jeans
2. Ask you to wear a dog collar and call him “master”
3. Rent a video camera and ask you to tape yourself scratching his tummy
4. Leave you for a younger, prettier owner
5. Fart and blame it on your husband
Bad Dogs/Bad Husbands…
A bad dog jumps on your mother
A bad husband licks her face
A bad dog chews your bra
A bad husband wears it
A really bad husband buys his own
A bad dog pees on your floor
A bad husband pees on your Ficus
A really bad husband comes home drunk and pees in the laundry hamper
A bad dog humps the furniture
A bad husband humps his secretary
A bad dog ‘makes’ in the hallway
A bad husband makes crystal meth in the storm cellar
A bad dog doesn’t understand the word “stay”
Neither does a bad husband
Oppositional Defiance Disorder…
Funny Photos
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Feb 182010
Rick Mercer’s Sleepover with Prime Minister Harper
Videos
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Feb 182010
Wow, Harper does a great job in this sketch….why…he seems so life-like…almost HEW-MON…HU-mon…Heman…HUMAN…yes, that’s it…Harper seems nearly human here…
Feb 182010
Ahhhh, one of our all time favourites. CBC’s Rick Mercer, think of him as our Jon Stewart, visits PM Martin at 24 Sussex…think of it as our White House…and …well, watch it and see. One of the things I love about my country…..you would never see a US president doing this. (hee hee)
The Brightside
Videos
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Feb 162010
Klassik Kaufman (andy sings mighty mouse)
Humour
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Feb 162010
Andy Kaufman performs Mighty Mouse – watch more funny videos
Teabagging Explained
Politics - USA
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Feb 132010
Leave to the neo-conservative movement the careful consideration and vetting savvy to name themselves after a sex act – likely illegal in several states (oral sex is considered sodomy) (Update: Sodomy was illegal in most of the united states until 2003, when the laws were nullified by the Supreme Court)
If you go back and read my piece from last year called “A Few Words About Sex, How’s Your Latin” I also point out how ironic it is, that neo-cons while promoting abstinence programs and creepy purity rings/rituals…seem oblivious to the fact that their children are engaging in oral and anal sex to preserve their virtues…
You are what you hate/fear, right?
This, my poor dear, misguided shmucks…
is TEABAGGING…
Poster Paints & Bristol Board $12
Book of Hateful Slogans $29.95
Righteous indignation laced with ignorance …Priceless
(photo links to Larry Halstead’s blog)
The World of Jim Henson
Muppet Videos, Videos
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Jan 212010
A beee–aa–uuuuu—tiful video on Youtube about my personal hero, Jim Henson…If nothing else, watch the first part…It’s just so worth it!
Jan 152010
click thumbnail
You Know, I Used to Write Stuff Here
Videos
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Jan 142010
This is a wonderfully funny speech by Carrie Fisher at George Lucas’s AFI Salute. Please..to enjoy…
“People of Earth” Conan’s Letter
Hollywood News
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Jan 132010
This is Conan O’Brien’s letter…I think he did a fine job. As an editor, there is very little I would quibble over! You and I both know how important my opinion is to Mr. Obrien….So I’m sure this will be a huge relief for him. (hey! he’s not the only one who can be funny)
People of Earth:
In the last few days, I’ve been getting a lot of sympathy calls, and I want to start by making it clear that no one should waste a second feeling sorry for me. For 17 years, I’ve been getting paid to do what I love most and, in a world with real problems, I’ve been absurdly lucky. That said, I’ve been suddenly put in a very public predicament and my bosses are demanding an immediate decision. .
I saw this last year at the gym and bonded with a fellow eliptical rider when we were both laughing so hard that neither of us could keep exercising…and just listen to him too…”I danced my ass off!”…it’s frickin adorable! I must admit, I don’t actually weep when I see it now…but the first time I saw it, I totally fell apart…I wish the same for you!
Almost Too Good to Be True
Funny Photos
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Jan 012010
Gotta Love Irony
Funny Photos
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Jan 012010
Love It – Love iT – Love IT!!!
Muppet Videos, Videos
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Nov 272009
You Have Every Right to Be Offended You Goddamn Retarded Jesus-Loving Queer
Hollywood News, Humour, Jules Carlysle, News - USA, Opinion, Politics, Random Acts of Truth
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Nov 012009
Community Leaders involved with special interest groups — namely the Special Olympics — are up in arms over Ben Stiller’s new movie “Tropic Thunder”.
It’s been in the news lately; I’m sure you’ve already heard the noise. They object to use of the word “retard” in the film. They are picketing and calling for boycott.
As I understand it, the movie is not mocking people with developmental disabilities. It is satirizing actors who take-on heavy-handed and morally exhaustive roles to win awards.
In this crazy world of ours, the potential for hurt feelings — or insult added to self-perceived injury — is ever-present. You simply cannot please all of the people all of the time. It’s ludicrous to be expected to try.
Prior to filming, the producers and writers of Tropic Thunder apparently consulted with numerous organizations about the script, in a pre-emptive attempt at appeasement. That offends me more than anything else.
I hate it when artists are so afraid of their own work that they held meetings in advance; Did Picasso hold focus groups – “So, this painting of a woman fellating a horse…is it too much?” I very nearly bought this actual painting because it was original, signed and cheap; but I didn’t know where I could hang it.
Sex & Bicycles
Humour
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Oct 292009
On Sex & Bicycles
Have you ever gone so long without sex that you started wondering if anything has changed?
It’s probably just me, but after eight years, (nine now btw) I imagine myself finally having the uhhhh…”opportunity”, and because I’ve been out of the sexual loop so long, the whole thing suddenly goes terribly and embarrassingly awry.
Think about it….(but not too hard please)
There I’d be…I think I’m hot….I think everything is going well and my partner suddenly stops me and says, ”Uhmmmmmm…Gee Jules, people don’t really do that anymore….”
I mean GOD!…
I’d be so embarrassed…standing there in my Hamburglar Costume, holding those jumper cables…
Take Two Meat and Call Me In the Morning
Humour
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Oct 272009
This is a re-write on the column from Feb 1st…
I am a woman on the edge.
I smoke a pack a day between 9:00pm and 9:17pm.
I think Animal Crackers are a main course and I run with scissors every chance I get.
My pet peeves are salad and longevity.
You Know It’s Good When…
Humour
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Oct 232009
How do advertisers know that their campaigns are working?
What highly technical, super-secret metrics do they use track your spending and lifestyle habits???
Is it that Points Card you use — that tells them you suffer from flaky scalp and athletes foot?
How do they know you like to eat corned beef hash; which you share with your cat “Hebert.” Pronounced: eeee-bear –
The one who knows how to poop in the toilet, but does it in your purse ??? (OMG I had a boyfriend like that once!)
Is it the Visa Folks who are selling-out your deep-dark secrets?
…or is it those pug-faced weasel-retards over at Mastercard? (and I mean that in the nicest possible way…I actually love pugs…and I have a Mastercard. LOL)
The Word You’re Looking for is “DOUCHEY”
Hollywood News, Humour
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Oct 212009
Oh Johnny Honey….Johnny Depp…..you beautiful bastard.
Please forgive me for what I am about to say. You KNOW how much I love you….
But Matt Damon may actually be the greatest actor of my generation….of OUR generation.
No…..shhhhhhhh……it’s OK Johnny…shhhhhhhh….it’s OK……OK-baby….it’ll be fine.
You are still OH sooooooo talented….and cooooooool
I’ve always liked Matt Damon but – as Pitt and Clooney can tell you – I have a strict “no pretty boys” policy…I don’t give them a second glance.
(there’s a great story about a long flirtation with a much younger male model…when we finally met, I turned him away…he was stunned….why? my pretty boy whimpered? what happened?….I could barely believe it myself but the words just flew out of my mouth…dude, you are just too dumb to fuck”….)
Mmmmm – Turkey and Aspersions
Humour
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Oct 122009
Yes…it’s Thanksgiving….
that special day when families gather around the table to thank god for the other 364 days of the year when they can pretend they were orphaned years ago.
I love turkey. I also love mashed potatoes and stuffing …and corn niblets ….and gravy….I am also quite a fan of lemon meringue pie.
But I don’t love any of those things enough to subject myself to spending time with my family to get them….
Maybe….just may-beeee…..if Thanksgiving involved turkey, stuffing, pie and something extraordinary like HEROIN and giant piles of CASH….I might be enticed to brave my mother’s thin lipped smiles and air kisses….to get the goodies….
Hilarious….
Humour
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Sep 162009
As Fozzy Would Say….”Trust Me”
Muppet Videos, Videos
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Aug 072009
Apr 212009
Listen people,
I love you.
You know I do and maybe I don’t always show it….
I could bring you flowers occasionally….take you out to dinner….kiss you like I really, really mean it.
But, sometimes life and fleeting bouts of rational thought get in the way…
Just remember I love you as much as one person could possibly love a large group of people I’ve never met that share a common interest…
You know, like the large groups found in any Bingo Hall, drunk tank or holding cell.
I love you all…THAT MUCH!
Just wait till I plant one on ya’…then you’ll know…
But there comes a time when you’ve got to throw in that proverbial towel.
Know when to say “when”…
(I actually spelled that wrong and it came out “wen”….so cute! Hi Wen!!)
I have watched you all try really hard to engage “He who must not be named” positively…
I’ve read notes from people trying to – from a place of genuine compassion – figure out the f*ck is wrong with that guy….guessing at various mental diseases and defects.
Apr 212009
I’ve had a personal “mission statement” for my life for several years now…
But it recently received an addition.
NOW it’s…
To tell one great story.
To live one great love affair.
To be a better person tomorrow than I am today
And to make people laugh so hard they blow beverages out of their nose…..
because, let’s face it…that’s God’s work.
LeeLee the Magnificant…made the brilliant emoticon…luv that girl!
A Special “Thank You”
Uncategorized
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Apr 142009
Well, you just know that someone who owns a dog this cute has got to be an exceptional guy….
You know me…I love big puppy dogs.
Today I am writing a public “thank you” to Canada Wry’s one and only subscriber/donor.
Tom sent me a donation again this month and I have used it to buy a pair of Nike runners and several brassieres on eBay!
Who knew you can buy Victoria’s Secret bras on eBay??? ….go figure.
I don’t usually talk about my underwear, but the bra thing is pretty funny!
You see, when the laundry was stolen….I wasn’t wearing one. They were all in the wash….and hence, are now probably being worn by a very unattractive cross-dresser or being used to keep homeless people’s ears warm. So, if you happen to see a street person with blue lace covering what appear to be a pair of GIANT ears….don’t worry…it’s just my unmentionables being put to good use.
When we arrived at the shelter, we were allowed to root through boxes of clothes that had been donated or left behind and I found a brassiere….But it had a giant slice across both cups.
Lesbian Porn & Homosexual Eyewear
Housekeeping
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Mar 222009
Yup, second day in a row and now the top 5 referrers to this site are porn…I can’t figure it out.
The top search terms in terms of sheer number and variety are still related to a certain dog trainer
This week I was talking to my son Adam on the phone while checking my website stats and I discovered that a bunch of porn sites (of the girl-on-girl variety) are linking back to CanadaWry. Curious as to why, I went to some of the sites and searched for the references and links to my website.
My son, being a consumate 16yr old gentleman, offered to go look for me. But I couldn’t allow my child to fall on his own sword like that…..While I was looking around….I was shreiking things like…OH NO….OH MY GOD…..AAAAACK!…..EEEEEEK…..OH MY EYES…..OH MY GOD MY EYES……OH NO….OH GOD….MAKE IT STOP…..meanwhile Adam laughed hysterically on the other end of the phone….
….and for the first time ever, the search term “Jules Carlysle Breasts” showed up….maybe they were looking for that piece “Florida Theme Park Terrorized by Nipple Wielding Canadian” that I wrote a couple years back
Knife Fights and Nerf Bats…
People, Random Acts of Truth
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Mar 082009
First, thanks to Tom from Wisconsin for letting me post this picture of his adorable dog Buster with his Ducky.
Lacie5,
Whether you see it or not…whether you give a damn or not….your posts ARE most definitely mean-spirited and contain personal attacks.
Every time you call someone IGNORANT, a HYPOCRITE, or STUPID…..either directly or indirectly, that is a personal attack and it’s not welcome over there.
No one else is engaging in this behaviour…..
If you’ve ever looked at a situation in your life and wondered “Is it just me or…..”
The answer, in this particular case, is YES…..Lacie5, it IS just you.