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I am watching The Hills for the first time…

“This program deals with mature subject matter…”

Uhmmmm……really?

Are you sure about that?

 

 

Wait…how do you spell “sayanara”?

Ahhhh…who cares?

I can’t be bothered to spell anymore….or conjugate or *sigh* ….

Like my will to live, my will to blog has drained from my body and pooled itself in the crannies of the floor mats in my car…

It’s hell on the cuffs….I’ve lost more pants that way…

I am abandoning my long-abandoned blog…say good-bye to Canada Wry.

It was dead already…just a vegtablog…a turnip or cabbage-like remanant of it’s former glory…time to pull the plug.

 

Listen Dear Readers,

It doesn’t mean that I don’t love you anymore…

To be honest…it’s all about the words…

You remember those right?

The deliberateness of a captial “A”…the quiet strength of an “M”….that ssssssizzzzzling….ssssserpent..ine…slick…sssssexy…”S”

Words, like carbon molecules are the building blocks of life…Where are we without WORDS…HUH?….those tidy packets of sound and air we use every day to share our dreams…order lunch ….and emotionally cripple our children…

It’s the words baby…we used to have them….and they were good…but they’ve gotten predictable ….boring..

I’ve been seeing other words on the side…

HOLY CRAP{ I can’t even finish writing this….LOL…going to bed.

Happy Fucking Canada Day.

My new online portfolio is located at http://julescarlyslephoto.wordpress.com

It’s always nice to find a good use for this picture.

Today, I want to share a remarkable insight Junior had last night.

We were watching Season 2 of The West Wing, while we both worked seperately on our laptops…In this particular episode, they are discussing the Defense of Marriage Act…We have had a similar debate in Canada, it’s the Conservatives wishing to limit the definition of marriage to a union of a man and a woman. It is the backlash of people who fear that homosexuality is a political or moral agenda being perpertrated on society….and not a biological imperative or lifestyle choice…or however you choose to define it.

I am personally of the opinion that if you are against gay marriage that you should absolutely NOT marry a gay person….but who I marry or have sex with is none of your business. (It’s ironic, I have spent a lot of ink talking about the fact that I haven’t had sex in almost 10 years…LOL…apparently I think THAT’s your business…Who I sleep with…NOT your business…Who I DON’T SLEEP WITH….totally your business.

I don’t even understand myself sometimes

But Adam made an off-handed remark that instead of protecting or defending marriage, it should just be abolished all together!

Now, keep your mind open for a minute…This idea, although it would never come to pass, is a very interesting proposition!

Why do people get married? Read more

233333 Palm Canyon Lane Malibu CA 90265 (yes, the other listed address is wrong)

It’s for sale, or I wouldn’t give out the address….click the pic to see the listing with more pics.

Only God knows why….traffic to this old post from 3yrs ago is way up this week…So let me help you out and repost it in a convenient location:

It was origonally called “Here Kitty-Kitty…Feeding Time on Parliament Hill”

 

A present for my Twitter friend @Koursey

10 Things Your Dog Would Never Do… 

1.    Tell you your ass looks fat in those jeans

2.    Ask you to wear a dog collar and call him “master”

3.    Rent a video camera and ask you to tape yourself scratching his tummy

4.    Leave you for a younger, prettier owner

5.    Fart and blame it on your husband 

But Your Dog Would Also Never…

6.    Buy you jewellery

7.    Notice that you changed your hair

8.    Bring you flowers “just because”

9.    Kiss that sweet spot at the nape of your neck

10.  Join you for a candlelit bath… 
(and if he does….well….that would be weird and you should both seek professional help immediately….In fact, don’t even towel off first)

Bad Dogs/Bad Husbands…          

          A bad dog jumps on your mother
          A bad husband licks her face           

          A bad dog chews your bra
          A bad husband wears it
          A really bad husband buys his own                     

          A bad dog pees on your floor
          A bad husband pees on your Ficus
          A really bad husband comes home drunk and pees in the laundry hamper                    

          A bad dog humps the furniture
          A bad husband humps his secretary           

          A bad dog ‘makes’ in the hallway
          A bad husband makes crystal meth in the storm cellar                    

          A bad dog doesn’t understand the word “stay”
          Neither does a bad husband                     

          A bad dog sleeps with your sister
          A bad husband sleeps with your sister
          A REALLY bad husband sleeps with your sister’s accountant ‘Fred’                     

          A bad dog chases the neighbours’ children
          A bad husband catches them
          A really bad husband bites them                    

          A bad dog chases cars
          A bad husband trades your car for a samurai sword and the Season 3
          Directors Cut of Battlestar Galactica
          A really bad husband trades it for an ounce of weed and Season 2                    

          A bad dog brings home dead rabbits and buries them in your garden
          A bad husband brings home dead “business associates” and buries
          them under the patio                     

          A bad dog eats your shoes
          A bad husband says he’d rather eat your shoes than your meatloaf
          A really bad husband proves it                     

          A bad dog jumps on you when you are trying to sleep
          A bad husband jumps on you when you are trying to sleep
          A really bad husband jumps on your sister when she’s trying to sleep
          A really, really bad husband jumps on your sister’s accountant “Fred” when
          he’s trying to sleep          

          A good dog waits patiently outside the store while you go shopping
          A good husband holds your purse 

10 Tips for a Happy Husband…

1.    Let them off the leash…if your bond is strong…he’ll come back when you call

2.    Expect the best…If you expect the worst, that’s what you’ll receive…
     Set your expectations HIGH and they will happily rise to meet them.

3.    If you don’t keep them stimulated, they will find ways to get into trouble

4.    They need opportunities to socialize with their own species….
     otherwise, you will thwart their natural instincts.

5.    They need a few special toys that are theirs to play with

6.    Nagging doesn’t work…sit, sit, sit, sit…..stay, stay, stay, stay…
     take out the garbage…put the seat down….you never take me
     anywhere….stop sleeping with my sister’s accountant
     ……they just tune you out.

7.    They don’t naturally speak your language….so learn to speak theirs.

8.    Recognize good behaviour … reward it with your enthusiasm

9.    The relationship will require time, effort and attention…
      but the results are worth it

10.  Don’t let them chew tennis balls… it’s really bad for their teeth 

 (now watch me try and stretch this piece to my requisite 1000 words…)

Maybe you should stop reading here…..
You know me….not for the faint-of-heart….
Some of you are going to *gasp* and say “OMG how could she write that”….
forgetting momentarily that that is EXACTLY what I do for a living.

 Now, in closing, for all you Liberal, dyed-in-the-wool sticklers out there…

Let me please clarify that I have nothing against men who sleep with other men:
My best friend is a man who sleeps with other men. 

Nor am I vexed, even slightly, by men who choose to have sex with accountants.I am slightly vexed by the notion that accountants have sex.
But if they didn’t, all the math camps and chess clubs would shut down, crippling the math and chess based economies.

This piece was not a broad-based social statement.
It’s not even a narrowly-based social statement.
It was just little old me, being funny and exploiting a few commonly
recognized social phobias.

It’s not judgemental to surmise that a man who sleeps with your sister’s
accountant is a bad husband.  – It’s accurate.

A husband who sleeps with your sister isn’t being true to you: 
A man who sleeps with “Fred”, the accountant, is certainly not being true to you,
But, even worse than that, he isn’t being true to himself.

The only true “grey area” is the bra-issue.

I’m certain that many cross-dressers are wonderful husbands.
If you like to wear frilly-things…well….If I don’t have to look…
then I certainly don’t have to judge. 

 

While I am at it, let me dispel another myth…lest you be misled and think me a gold-digging jewellery whore because of what I wrote in the list of other things your dog would never do…I was just trying to be relatable.

 I have never received jewellery as a gift from a man and it’s not important to me that I do.

I don’t even wear jewellery.

Men never buy me presents.

After 15 years, Mike finally bought me a Christmas
present in our final year together.

I can’t say that it was the Christmas present that made me finally leave.

It may have been his date with another girl on my birthday.

Or the fact that when the date started going sideways, he called me to come over to his house and run interference….which I must say goes above and beyond the call of girlfriend duty.

Or maybe it’s simply that I actually went.

What was that about EXPECTATIONS again?

Either way….

After 15 years, nothing says “Thanks for all the blow jobs”
like a pair of mittens for Christmas.

Now if you will excuse me…

I have my therapist on the other line.
The candles are burning unattended.
And my Saint Bernard is waiting for me in the tub.

 (crap …that’s a LOT of vamping and I’m still 60 words short) 

Wow, Harper does a great job in this sketch….why…he seems so life-like…almost HEW-MON…HU-mon…Heman…HUMAN…yes, that’s it…Harper seems nearly human here…

Ahhhh, one of our all time favourites. CBC’s Rick Mercer, think of him as our Jon Stewart, visits PM Martin at 24 Sussex…think of it as our White House…and …well, watch it and see. One of the things I love about my country…..you would never see a US president doing this. (hee hee)

The Daves I Know – Kids In The Hall

xklzx | MySpace Video

No doubt a response to Bill O’Reilly (and others) contention that once gay marriage is legalized…then people will start having sex with ducks…I don’t make this shit up people, honest to god

I’m pretty sure that I don’t like The Office….although, if it’s on…I am compelled by some unknown force to watch it. It hurts…it’s upsetting…I get a littly dizzy and I usually throw-up a little…but I can’t help myself. I keep on watching…

BTW, the whole Jim & Pam storyline was handled beautifully, brilliantly….just the best ever love story on TV.

And…no it doesn’t hurt that John Krasinski is cute as a bug either (if I cared, even a little bit, I’d google the spelling on his name)

Here’s a video from our friends at The Office

Leave to the neo-conservative movement the careful consideration and vetting savvy to name themselves after a sex act – likely illegal in several states (oral sex is considered sodomy) (Update: Sodomy was illegal in most of the united states until 2003, when the laws were nullified by the Supreme Court)

If you go back and read my piece from last year called “A Few Words About Sex, How’s Your Latin” I also point out how ironic it is, that neo-cons while promoting abstinence programs and creepy purity rings/rituals…seem oblivious to the fact that their children are engaging in oral and anal sex to preserve their virtues…

You are what you hate/fear, right?

This, my poor dear, misguided shmucks…

is TEABAGGING…

Poster Paints & Bristol Board $12

Book of Hateful Slogans $29.95

Righteous indignation laced with ignorance …Priceless

(photo links to Larry Halstead’s blog)

I used to think that the only woman I would change teams for was Angelina Jolie (and *sigh* if I had to do Brad too…well, that’s a cross I’m willing to bear)

But, after watching this, I’m pretty turned on by Rachel Maddow *LOL*

I’m just sayin’ smart is good….very, very good.

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

Too cute!

Courtesy of TMZ….I’m impressed.

 

 

There’s a million stories in the Naked City, and most of them were written with words.

That’s right, words – those tidy little packages of sound and air that give our lives context and meaning…

The hard and soft tones we rely on every day to share our dreams, order lunch and emotionally cripple our children.

Read more

I don’t know exactly what has happened to me lately..but I just LOVE the Muppets and love posting these clips…please to enjoy…

A beee–aa–uuuuu—tiful video on Youtube about my personal hero, Jim Henson…If nothing else, watch the first part…It’s just so worth it!

 

click thumbnail

Here’s a solution! While I am sullen and miserable…let’s laugh at stuff other people write. This is a cute piece. I didn’t wet myself or anything but, I liked it.

http://badnewsfromouterspace.blogspot.com/2010/01/pope-as-movie-reviewer.html

Please scroll down to some of the old pieces here and remember that I used to be pretty f’in hilarious…

This is a wonderfully funny speech by Carrie Fisher at George Lucas’s AFI Salute. Please..to enjoy…

I’m having trouble writing right now because I’m really depressed and struggling…This is my way of keeping you engaged until I find myself again.

 This is Conan O’Brien’s letter…I think he did a fine job. As an editor, there is very little I would quibble over! You and I both know how important my opinion is to Mr. Obrien….So I’m sure this will be a huge relief for him. (hey! he’s not the only one who can be funny)

People of Earth:

In the last few days, I’ve been getting a lot of sympathy calls, and I want to start by making it clear that no one should waste a second feeling sorry for me. For 17 years, I’ve been getting paid to do what I love most and, in a world with real problems, I’ve been absurdly lucky. That said, I’ve been suddenly put in a very public predicament and my bosses are demanding an immediate decision. . Read more

I saw this last year at the gym and bonded with a fellow eliptical rider when we were both laughing so hard that neither of us could keep exercising…and just listen to him too…”I danced my ass off!”…it’s frickin adorable! I must admit, I don’t actually weep when I see it now…but the first time I saw it, I totally fell apart…I wish the same for you!

Did anybody else notice that she said “size 10″…today in the size 0 = world, that would be considered fat. Not relevant, just an observation.

Words are powerful tools…

Words can, quite literally, change the world.

Well chosen words can inspire the masses,

Topple empires …..

and make women swoon.

That’s right -

SWOON.

Note the phrase – “well chosen”  here…it’s important to make the distinction. Read more

An instant classic. My appreciation to CNN’s Jack Gray for the Tweet! You know, the first Twitter message I sent out was that I wished I could hire Morgan Freeman to follow me around and narrate my life…Now I realize that Christopher Walkin would probably be PERFECT for the job…could you imagine?

On Sex & Bicycles

 

 

 

Have you ever gone so long without sex that you started wondering if anything has changed?

It’s probably just me, but after eight years, (nine now btw) I imagine myself finally having the uhhhh…”opportunity”, and because I’ve been out of the sexual loop so long, the whole thing suddenly goes terribly and embarrassingly awry.

Think about it….(but not too hard please)

There I’d be…I think I’m hot….I think everything is going well and my partner suddenly stops me and says, ”Uhmmmmmm…Gee Jules, people don’t really do that anymore….”

I mean GOD!…

I’d be so embarrassed…standing there in my Hamburglar Costume, holding those jumper cables… Read more

This is a re-write on the column from Feb 1st…

 

I am a woman on the edge.

I smoke a pack a day between 9:00pm and 9:17pm. 

I think Animal Crackers are a main course and I run with scissors every chance I get.  

 My pet peeves are salad and longevity. Read more

How do advertisers know that their campaigns are working?

What highly technical, super-secret metrics do they use track your spending and lifestyle habits???

Is it that Points Card you use that tells them you suffer from flaky scalp and athletes foot? How do they know you like corned beef sandwiches at midnight; Which you share with your cat “Hebert” (pronounced eeee-bear) ….The one who knows how to poop in the toilet but does it in your purse ??? (OMG I had a boyfriend like that once!)

Is it the Visa Folks who are selling-out your deep, dark secrets?

…or is it those pug-faced weasel-retards over at Mastercard? (and I mean that in the nicest possible way) Read more

Oh Johnny Honey….Johnny Depp…..you beautiful bastard.  

Please forgive me for what I am about to say.  You KNOW how much I love you….

But Matt Damon may actually be the greatest actor of my generation….of OUR generation.

No…..shhhhhhhh……it’s OK Johnny…shhhhhhhh….it’s OK……OK-baby….it’ll be fine.

You are still OH sooooooo talented….and cooooooool

I’ve always liked Matt Damon but – as Pitt and Clooney can tell you – I have a strict “no pretty boys” policy…I don’t give them a second glance. 

(there’s a great story about a long flirtation with a much younger male model…when we finally met, I turned him away…he was stunned….why? my pretty boy whimpered? what happened?….I could barely believe it myself but the words just flew out of my mouth…dude, you are just too dumb to fuck”….) Read more

Yes…it’s Thanksgiving….
that special day when families gather around the table to thank god for the other 364 days of the year when they can pretend they were orphaned years ago.

I love turkey. I also love mashed potatoes and stuffing …and corn niblets ….and gravy….I am also quite a fan of lemon meringue pie.

But I don’t love any of those things enough to subject myself to spending time with my family to get them….

Maybe….just may-beeee…..if Thanksgiving involved turkey, stuffing, pie and something extraordinary like HEROIN and giant piles of CASH….I might be enticed to brave my mother’s thin lipped smiles and air kisses….to get the goodies…. Read more

Despite my best efforts, someone managed to snap a pic of me
during a break at the Brad Pattison seminar in Toronto last Saturday….

 

 Now you know why I felt so sexy all day!

Listen people,

I love you.

You know I do and maybe I don’t always show it….

I could bring you flowers occasionally….take you out to dinner….kiss you like I really, really mean it.

But, sometimes life and fleeting bouts of rational thought  get in the way…

Just remember I love you as much as one person could possibly love a large group of people I’ve never met that share a common interest…

You know, like the large groups found in any Bingo Hall, drunk tank or holding cell.

I love you all…THAT MUCH!

Just wait till I plant one on ya’…then you’ll know…

But there comes a time when you’ve got to throw in that proverbial towel.

Know when to say “when”…

(I actually spelled that wrong and it came out “wen”….so cute! Hi Wen!!)

I have watched you all try really hard to engage “He who must not be named” positively…

I’ve read notes from people trying to – from a place of genuine compassion – figure out the f*ck is wrong with that guy….guessing at various mental diseases and defects.

You have done the best you can to make lemonade from the lemons Lacie5 has given you…

Some people are just plain sour.

String some garlic around your necks and fashion a crucifix out of breadsticks and scotch tape because that bloodsucker is not going anywhere.

I can totally see his response to this in my head…”you lack…blah blah blah….ability to discourse….blah blah blah….(insert me rolling my eyes here)….you are rubber and I’m glue…blah blah blah” It’s old and frankly quite boring.

He gets his jollies creating conflict….

I’ve said before that Lacie5 needs to look in the mirror and ask himself what he gains from seeking out combat over Brad Pattison night after sleepless night…(I forgot that vampires don’t have a reflection)

Yup that’s right  Lacie5….I just called you a name. It’s clearly because I lack your superior intellect and morality.But ya know what?

I’m OK with that.

This is not driven by a desire for debate or intelligent “discourse”….

He appears to fancy himself the impartial observer…but, this level of engagement screams OBSESSION…

Lacie5 may just be Brad’s number one FAN…insomuch as the word FAN comes from FANATIC.

For his mental health and your own, stop engaging him.

If you love something, set it free….then lock the door as quickly as possible.If it comes back, call the authorities.  

Now, as for Stacey2002….

That is a different animal all together.

I honestly don’t get that behaviour.

It’s not about your right to disagree or express your dissent.

That is CLEARLY acceptable.

But, for Goddsakes grow a pair.

If you disagree stand up and say so….in your own voice….with your own name.

This is who I am and this is what I believe is right.

THAT – I can respect.

That is something we can all respect.

But, running around behind someone’s back and slandering them is not only two faced but kinda immature.

I don’t know how old you are, but I am wondering if you might be quite young still and impressionable…

Maybe you change your point of view based on who the audience is, not because you are spineless but you just haven’t developed one yet.

And that may be difficult to hear….

But I’m giving you a generous gift here.

I’m offering you the opportunity to say, “I’m young and I haven’t figured this out yet…but I get it now

I admit I haven’t read the Slice Blog in months and months,
but ending every contentious post with “PEACE” is just disingenuous….

If you are going to kick someone in the shins, own it and kick him in the shins….doing it and saying OOPS! Then doing it again…doesn’t make it any less egregious….

(OMG I think I made a Britney Spears reference…I have to go wash my brain out with lye) 

Finally to Brad,

You inspire people…sometimes they like it, sometimes they don’t.

Inspiration isn’t a beautiful thing…It’s like childbirth….

We all say “Oh it’s beautiful”..

But it’s not….When you are right in the midst of it..It’s messy and ugly.

It’s bloody and there’s screaming and (in my case) a lot of biting involved.

Inspiration stirs us at our deepest level….in our core.

You want to exact a change in the way people live and relate to their dogs…

If it wasn’t powerful…

If it wasn’t important…

And if it wasn’t working….

You would not be a target and we wouldn’t be having this conversation…

What a gift…what a blessing…what an awesome responsibility.

You have the power to move mountains.

So few posess both the ability and the opportunity….

What more could one man desire in this world?

Jules. 

P.S.
That’s right…I’m not going to the seminar because I bought shoes!
Yes…SHOES…the kind you wear on your feet….

And speaking as someone who wore flip flops all winter ….I`m glad I bought shoes…because they arrived today and they are SEXY…they look sexy and they smell sexy and they make sexy little noises when I walk….
.and I feel sexy when I wear them….and I couldn`t afford it and it was a huge mistake….and I won`t eat for days….But ya know what???

I don’t care.

I am going to sleep with my new shoes….and you can`t stop me.

But I`m sorry I`ll miss seeing you all in person. It would have been nice J

And it’s highly unlikely that I would have tried to “plant one”on any of you….

But you may have tried to plant one on me….

because you wouldn’t be able to resist the formidable allure of my sexy shoes…
 

Hats off to LeeLee for this AWESOME emoticon…

  

I’ve had a personal “mission statement” for my life for several years now…

But it recently received an addition.

NOW it’s…

To tell one great story.

To live one great love affair.

To be a better person tomorrow than I am today

And to make people laugh so hard they blow beverages out of their nose…..
because, let’s face it…that’s God’s work.

LeeLee the Magnificant…made the brilliant emoticon…luv that girl!

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